The Object and the Missing Subject, the Effect and the Missing Cause

Roy Moore just lost by a mere four votes or so despite the fact that he’s a serial child molester who lives in his own private version of Gunsmoke. The president is a rapist. Every famous dude in America — of every political stripe — has been fired or has stepped down from his job for sexually assaulting someone. Still, while the #metoo movement is laying bare the ubiquity of the abuse that all women face, there is no real concomitant movement to recognize the ubiquity of abusive behavior among men and boys or to determine the source of that behavior.

I’ll tell you a little about the source of that behavior.

Southern California is an exceedingly harsh environment to grow up in. The emotional depravity that seems to emanate from the starkly bright, spiritually empty, inescapably dull, brown landscape isn’t unique in the world, but it stopped seeming natural or unavoidable once I finally left and life, thankfully, ceased to resemble a Bret Easton Ellis novel. After recently reading about the suicide of 13-year-old Rosalie Avila after she had endured years of torment from her peers in Yucaipa — a smallish town just outside of San Bernardino — memories of growing up female in suburban San Diego began to reemerge from whatever part of my mind they have been sequestered in.

Thankfully, for Rosalie’s sake, the content of the social media bullying she endured hasn’t been made public (though I’m sure I could find it were I to make the slightest prurient effort). Still, it wouldn’t be an outrageous stretch to guess that she was terrorized for being brown and female. Everyone knows what form bullying takes when directed at an adolescent girl. Double that for girls of color.

I often wonder how one could quantify the potential, kindness, and brilliance the world loses when it is routinely beaten out of children by their families and by popular culture, and when those children turn around and unleash their anguish on other young victims (and go on to do so as adults). What would Rosalie have become if she had survived the abuse heaped upon her? How many other girls are enduring the same abuse now, and how will it alter their futures? How many imaginations have been snuffed out by the hatred this culture has for young women and people of color? How many little boys who were on track to become decent men have succumbed to the pressure to suppress their decency in favor of the capricious cruelty that adolescent society, the cult of masculinity, and popular media culture promote and reward?

How can these young people be convinced that anything outside of the nightmare they live in exists? What is the mechanism by which some victims of childhood and adolescent abuse survive and come to use their experiences to better the world, and how can it be provided to those who need it the most?

That list of questions makes it sound as though I have no hope for addressing the behavior of the culprits. That’s because I don’t. It’s a rare childhood bully who will even recognize their youthful behavior as a problem when confronted with it in adulthood, probably because emotionally terrorizing others isn’t a behavior that people easily grow out of. That would require a level of self-awareness and empathy that is hard to amass out of thin air. Besides, where would the motivation even come from when the public is too recalcitrant to shift its focus away from victim-blaming and toward the behavior of perpetrators?

Adolescents are routinely exposed to and forced to reckon with behaviors and ideas that are far too harrowing and complex for their young minds to cope with. They all commit and endure cruelties and subjugations that they are completely incapable of comprehending. Some people have argued that this is a result of the lack of purpose and meaning assigned to the life stage of adolescence in Western society. Adolescents are no longer children and aren’t yet adults, existing in a liminal zone of frustration and confusion about why they even exist. There’s nothing to do but emulate and wait, enduring a keen feeling of powerlessness and depersonalization wrought by a materialistic and power-obsessed culture. Cruelty, then, becomes a form of power for people who feel like they’ve been excluded from control over their lives.

Nothing novel there. But there was something peculiar about the social and cultural tenor of Southern California in particular that exacerbated this already noxious reality, and it seems to have metastasized to the entirety of the culture in recent years. When I grew up in Southern California, it was palpably uncool to have feelings of any kind. You didn’t respond to cruelty with tears. You didn’t respond to a reciprocated crush with honest excitement. You maintained the empty, dead demeanor of a sociopath lest you be vulnerable to the terrifying emotional possibilities around every corner. It was also extremely uncool to be intelligent, emotionally or otherwise. You forgot highfalutin words on purpose to prevent the idiot arbiters of coolness from descending upon you with their brutishly stupid rebukes. Everyone was smoothly empty and dull on the surface, their interiority completely invisible if not totally excised.

I think it took me an entire decade to recover. It’s been long enough now that I can afford to reflect on some of it in public, if only for the sake of other women and girls who might need to relate. What I’m about to recount didn’t occur in a trailer park. It wasn’t aberrant. We weren’t “the bad kids.” (Harmony Korine — retch — and Larry Clark were onto something bigger than they realized). This is not an extreme example, but rather the everyday reality that adolescent girls endure in this society until they either die emotionally, actually kill themselves, or rediscover the last glimmer of humanity inside themselves in time to escape and resist.

Sometime near the middle of my sophomore year in high school, I lost the only form of protection teenage girls have from the predations of teenage boys: my boyfriend. Well, I didn’t “lose” him; he decided to sleep with one of my friends while he was watching my parents’ house while we were on vacation. Being only fifteen, I handled it poorly, which means I partied a lot and was susceptible to predatory male attention because having been cheated on had made me doubt my self-worth. Some guy I had had a mild crush on in junior high started paying attention to me. Let’s call him Jack Phillips. At one of many Mickey’s-soaked house parties I attended that winter, I had three too many Hornets and blacked out, only to learn later that Phillips had intercourse with me.

I only discovered this had occurred because it immediately became the talk of the town. Another piece of evidence that something untoward had happened: while hanging out at my best friend’s house playing Toejam and Earl, I discovered a photo of myself and that best friend in which I had been rendered invisible under the etched letters “fuken hor.” I asked him who had done it, and he told me Phillips had, then asked me why I hung out with him. I didn’t know. I was too young to understand the mechanisms at work in my poor decision-making, and I was certainly not emotionally sophisticated enough to shrug it off and recognize Phillips as a psychopath (and an idiot). I mean, I did shrug it off — because that was a social requirement — but I internalized the message in the etching and the idea that Phillips’s stupidity and warped psyche and sexuality were somehow something for me to be ashamed of.

Shortly thereafter, I found myself at yet another party with Phillips. He suggested we drive up to some remote area where teenagers went to party unmolested by parents or cops. I was drunk, I desperately needed to misunderstand the obvious meaning of his treatment of me, and my naivete/denial told me the invitation meant he actually did like me but didn’t know how to express it (dear god, everyone, STOP telling young girls that boys’ abuse is a sign of a crush). We went. He demanded I have sex with him, threatening to leave me at the top of the mountain we had driven up if I didn’t. It was 1993. There were no cell phones. I certainly wasn’t going to knock at the gate of one of the “estates” up there and ask to call my parents to come pick me up, so I started walking downhill. He pulled alongside me and apologized, and I got in the car and let him drunk-drive me home.

That would have been the end of our interactions were it not for the fact that he continued to call me constantly. One night, a friend I’ll call Sarah was spending the night at my house. She had just moved to the area from Utah, which rendered her woefully ill-prepared for the viciousness of a social environment informed more by Sublime lyrics than human decency. She was impressionable and eager to fit in, and for some reason found my interactions with Phillips fascinating. He called while we were sitting in my bedroom drinking yet more Mickey’s (I still can’t explain what I was doing drinking the official fine malt liquor of House of Pain so often; maybe we were white trash) and she told me to invite him over. I did so reluctantly, knowing no good would come of it, and none did.

They ended up having sex in front of me, these two inebriated children with no inkling of the social or emotional consequences of their actions beyond the immediate moment. I didn’t consider it socially acceptable to have obvious feelings about it, so I got up and wandered out into the house so as not to be forced to watch and listen, wandering back in to find Sarah crying after Phillips had climbed back out the window he had climbed in to drive drunk to his next destination. We went to sleep hugging each other, both engulfed in a confused fog of shame and fear.

The next day, she was an absolute mess. Shortly after she went home, she attempted to kill herself by taking upwards of 100 ibuprofen. Her mother called my parents to ask what had happened and they were astounded, having slept through the pointless drunken destruction that had occurred a mere 75 feet from their bedroom door. They naturally demanded that I tell them what went on, but I refused out of shame and some sense of obligation to protect Sarah from the intervention of adults I was sure could not possibly understand what she (or I) was going through. It netted me a month without a phone or a social life outside of school, which was probably for the best.

You know who wasn’t engulfed in shame, fear, parental punishment, and social opprobrium? Phillips. He was at a party the following weekend bragging that Sarah had tried to kill herself because she had had sex with him. In other words, this teenage kid was celebrating the fact that he had enough power to ruin someone’s life by having sex with them.

Men — adolescent ones especially — are so incapable of self-reflection that they can consider a woman defiled, ruined, permanently tainted by having come into contact with their dicks without thinking about what that says about them. He wasn’t ashamed of anything from what anyone could tell. He wasn’t shunned from any social circle, no one bothered to interrupt him to tell him there might be something wrong with what he was saying and doing, and he presumably continued to do it for all I know. He suffered zero social consequences for multiple instances of what today is considered sexual assault and for taking advantage of someone’s natural human need to be liked to the extent that she wanted to die.

Oddly enough (wink wink), people had plenty to say about me and about Sarah and our decisions. It disrupted our lives to the extent that we were prevented from thinking about literally anything else for months. I’m frankly shocked, given how poorly-developed our coping skills and emotional intelligence were at that age, and given the systemic psychological sickness of our social environment, that we didn’t both end up actually killing ourselves.

This incident was maybe a four on the “most fucked up things that happened between the time I grew boobs and turned 22” scale. It was part of what made me a mistrustful, angry jerk by the time I was 16, which didn’t help protect me as much as it led me further away from my true nature. And it was just one small speck of dust in a vast and dark universe of adolescent depravity.

Things are not better for young women today than they were in the 90s, they are exponentially worse. Internet porn, the vicious recent backlash against feminism, the death of the counterculture messages that used to compete with the materialistic and emotionally violent messages of popular media, and the rise of intrusive and inescapable social media have left young women in a much more emotionally precarious position than I ever found myself in, which beleaguers the imagination.

Which brings me back to my main point: I’m not surprised that suicide is on the rise among an ever-younger demographic. Just days before Rosalie Avila did so, a ten-year-old girl hanged herself after being bullied. Months before, an eight-year-old boy did the exact same thing for the exact same reason.

A week doesn’t go by that I don’t hear about an adolescent girl committing suicide after being coerced into sending revealing photographs to some porn-conditioned teenage boy (or some adult predator) who immediately turns around and shares them with all his friends at a minimum, and often with the whole world via social media and revenge porn sites. It’s downright pedestrian these days to read about a teenage girl being gang raped at some party, only to find out later that her assailants have recorded and shared images of her humiliation with everyone they know. The social consequences then fall squarely on her while the rapists get high-fived by their boys.

Teenage society, the law, and even the media have a never-ending supply of opprobrium for these girls, but there is somehow never enough left over for the boys and men who take advantage of them.

Anti-bullying campaigns are not an indication that things are getting better; they’re a begrudging recognition of the enormity of the problem of psychological and physical abuse against and among children and adolescents. The search for the root cause of this epidemic bears no fruit because those doing the searching don’t want to find the answer. Each “investigation” of adolescent suicide comes to the same conclusion: social media is beyond adult control and makes it easier for bullies to target victims.

It’s a facile explanation that allows everyone to shrug and move on without asking why the culture is becoming crueler, meaner, more atomized (and what role social media is playing in that process). It allows the parents of shitty little people to evade the examination of their own behavior and parenting practices. It offers nothing in the way of a solution for the millions of girls (and boys) in America who suffer from depression, anxiety, and PTSD as a result of the way they’re treated by a growing number of underage sociopaths. And it completely elides the role of the perpetrators and a culture that foments and rewards cruelty, and then conveniently overlooks or excuses the behavioral excesses it inculcates.

It isn’t like we don’t know how these kids will turn out. It isn’t like we don’t know how the cycle of abuse works. I wonder how much more filthy laundry will have to be aired before the focus ends up where it belongs: on the perpetrators and the sociopolitical/economic systems that create them.

11 thoughts on “The Object and the Missing Subject, the Effect and the Missing Cause

  1. Such a brilliant, searing thought piece, thank you so much for sharing.

    I have to say, that Stephen Marche’s article (we apparently live in the same city), which you linked to last, perpetuates the DIS-ease and misogyny plaguing the colonist culture. Of course he would cite Freud in his attempt at explaining the psychology of the oh-so-dangerous male libido. Talk about mansplaining.

    I don’t buy Marche’s analysis for a minute, for many reasons, least of which because it removes all PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY from the menz. Plus Freud was a sicko and coward who upon learning about the MASSIVE rape and molesting holding adult females hostage, decided to stop pursuing it/shining a light on it because of his precious reputation and boyz club. That he is still considered a “father” or “grandfather” of psychology speaks to the sickness and twistedness of mental health. But I digress.

    I loved your analysis (as always), and that you shared personal experience, as our stories are everything and the most learning we can ever do as a society if we just start respecting and listening to people’s stories.

    I haven’t articulated even a quarter of what your article incited in me, I may not be able to put into words. Just thank you though, your words are so appreciated and so refreshingly HUMAN in the colonist culture of inhumanity and dehumanization.

    Peace & Luv

    Liked by 4 people

    1. I got the opposite impression from the article – finally a man who is willing to tell the truth about who and what he is rather than launching into pompous condescending denials and accusing women of “misandry” for pointing out that men have always been dangerous and posed a threat to themselves and others. The article is not perfect but it’s a good first step to having an honest conversation about the male condition.

      It’s taken me a long time to accept that men are constitutionally different than women. Men and women are not interchangeable. There is no “gendered brain” but that doesn’t mean living in a male body is the same as living in a female body. Women experience sexuality as a matter of social bonding, whereas men experience sexuality and penetration as a matter of domination. Penetrating=dominance, being penetrated=humiliation and losing. Is it any wonder then that we live in a Patriarchal hellhole full of rape where women are designated as the default rape objects and losers in the hierarchical pecking order. Because that’s how men see and experience it, and they have decided that they have conquered us and therefore are subject to their default way of thinking even if our sexual reality is different than theirs.

      Men have always used rape to establish dominance over other men as well as women, this has been documented in the histories of war, the prison system, and territorial disputes in other areas of the world. I read a horrifying story where a man in Africa was kidnapped and gang raped by other men who worked for a warlord, and was so injured he has to wear a nappy to manage anal leakage for the rest of his life. For anyone to tell me that male sexuality is harmless and beyond reproach is abusive and gaslighting. It’s time for people to stop lying to women and stop lying to themselves that men aren’t dangerous.

      Male created religions like Christianity always talk about “fighting against the flesh” because men themselves are constantly waging war with their own bodies and against other men. They sense that women do not have that inner conflict, so they institute forced birth policies and shame women for menstruation so we are turned against our own bodies as well. They want us to be just as miserable and conflicted as they are.

      The ending of the article says this: “If you want to be a civilized man, you have to consider what you are. Pretending to be something else, some fiction you would prefer to be, cannot help. It is not morality but culture — accepting our monstrosity, reckoning with it — that can save us. If anything can.”

      He is basically admitting that men are constitutionally screwed up and that men themselves need to deal with it. I can agree with that, even if he was silly enough to cite Freud as an authority.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. “When I grew up in Southern California, it was palpably uncool to have feelings of any kind. You didn’t respond to cruelty with tears. You didn’t respond to a reciprocated crush with honest excitement.”

    Men are constantly complaining that they can’t express their emotions but never acknowledge how women are silenced and dismissed on a regular basis. Every time I get on the Internet I find myself subjected to men’s constant rage and screeds about how life is so terribly unfair for them and then they turn around and tell women to shut the fuck up.

    Men want to talk about their feelings but it’s all they ever want to talk about. What THEY think and what THEY feel. Everything revolves around them and then they wonder why some women give up and just write off men altogether.

    With regard to the rest of the post, I think the public school system is a form of abuse and institutionalization. It’s not unlike the prison system where inmates are allowed to abuse each other on a regular basis. You know for a fact that if a parent were to treat their kid the way bullies treat other kids that the cops would be called and child protective services would show up. But when it’s kids abusing other kids, adults just let it happen and nobody cares. They say “kids are cruel” then turn around and act shocked when they hear stories about serial killers and rapists. Well no shit, how did they think those men started out? As nice little angels sitting quietly in class? No, they started out as repulsive sadistic brats who developed a taste for female suffering early on in life. Yes, I know that girls are also cruel to other girls and participate in misogyny. But it’s not girls who become predators, serial killers, and rapists when they are released from the public school penitentiary.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. >>”…I think the public school system is a form of abuse and institutionalization. It’s not unlike the prison system”
      I went to Catholic school, and it was the same “inmates running the prison” scenario. I was bullied mercilessly, sometimes right in front of the teachers. One in particular (a male Social Studies teacher) didn’t even pretend to look away (as all the other teachers did), and gave a small shrug and a sour look when my eyes fell on him across the room, pleading for his help as the boys put whiteout in my hair.


  3. I’m a day late and a dollar short with saying “Hey, great piece of writing!” but there it is. I love its honesty and I have a feeling almost every female person can see or hear themselves in in. Thank you and I hope you write some more soon.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Long time reader, first time to comment because of this:

    “But there was something peculiar about the social and cultural tenor of Southern California in particular that exacerbated this already noxious reality, and it seems to have metastasized to the entirety of the culture in recent years.”

    While reading I was reminded of something I had read some years ago that resonated as strongly as your essay does today. Paraphrasing, that was:

    “Anyone who rises in a world that worships success should be suspect, for this is an age of psychopathy…..We live today in the age of psychopathy, when the psychopath rides in the limousine of the visiting head of state or is the head of giant corporations. Today the psychopath is celebrated and appears nightly on our television screens instead of being shunned and forced to slink through the filthy alleys of our cities.”. (James Hillman.)

    Psychopaths (or sociopaths together with their fan boy and girl followers), too, the social bullies of our high school days. More of them today than before because we are well into the late cancer stage of our “age of psychopathy”, and there are so very many role models for the social bullies to emulate in our celebrity culture.

    I’m amazed it took you only an entire decade to recover. I’m middle aged and it’s taken me all those decades from teenage years to fully understand the tawdry suburban awfulness of what was happening at the time.

    Looking forward to your Part 3 in this series. You are a very powerful writer.

    Liked by 2 people

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