Burger King to Customers: Eat a Dick

This is so unbelievable that I had to take a break from my blogging hiatus to comment on it.

Not that you need one, but here’s another reason not to eat at Burger King:

What in the hell is this ad even trying to say? Our hamburger is so awesome you’ll want to fellate it? Our hamburger is so big you’ll feel like your wang is inadequate by comparison? Our new Whopper is so big that chicks — even though their first instinct might be to fellate it (I mean, it is really awesome) — will be terrified of its girth once they approach it to do the fellating?

This ad is so fucking stupid that I almost can’t believe it. First of all, there’s absolutely no way to forge a connection between Whoppers and fellatio without jumping through about six tired, adolescent, Judd Apatow-esque mental hoops. Second, because that connection is impossible to make via sane means, the ad guys have had to resort to the advertising equivalent of a baseball bat to the crotch to get their point across. You’ve got a woman about to blow a cheeseburger, an absurd amount of mayo/semen, and two completely idiotic dick-related puns, all in one blisteringly dumb ad. And finally, the goddamn cliche in the ad copy isn’t even correct! It’s “it’ll blow your mind” not “it’ll blow your mind away,” assholes.

Imagine the meeting at which the creative team at the ad agency came up with this bit of marketorial genius.

Ad guy Dave: It’s a seven-inch burger.

Ad guy Todd: That’s almost as big as my dick, bro.

Ad guy Dave: Yeah, right, motherfucker. But whoa, we should totally call it the seven-incher. And then we could make all kinds of dick jokes!

Ad guy Todd: Yeah!

Ad guy Dave: But who wants to be told to eat a dick?

Ad guy Todd: Uh… whatever. It’ll be funny. We’ll show a chick about to blow the burger.

Ad guy Dave: Won’t that offend female customers?

Ad guy Todd: Dude, haven’t you seen that Durex ad? Chicks are too stupid to notice they’re being insulted. Besides, chicks only eat salad. We’re selling this burger to men, and men like the idea of eating something related to blowjobs.

Ad guy Dave: So we’re saying to men that this burger is like a big dick, and chicks want to suck it, so men should eat it? That sounds kinda weird, dude.

Ad guy Todd: You’re over thinking this, bro. We’re just relating big dicks, burgers, and blowjobs. People [and by “people” I mean “men”] like dick jokes, they like blowjob puns, they like burgers, they like porn. It’ll work, trust me.

Ad guy Dave: You’re the genius. I’m out of here. Dane Cook’s doing a show tonight at the sports arena. I got loge tickets for only $100!

Ad guy Todd: Bonus!

I mean, really. I’m surprised it doesn’t say anything about them putting their meat in our mouths. If I were you — even if you’re a dude — I’d take this as Burger King giving me the finger and calling me a retard.

Burger King has clearly decided to give up on selling anything to women or anyone with a brain and to bet the wad (ha, get it? I should work for their ad department) on the 13-35 porn-saturated idiot male demographic — the 4chan set, if you will.  And what do those assholes love more than burgers and the idea of seeing women penetrated by objects large enough to cause them pain? The woman pictured in the ad looks, quite frankly, like she’s terrified of what’s about to happen to her, and I have a hard time believing that was an accident, first because this ad is only slightly less subtle than having someone throw a burger at your face while yelling, “Suck my dick!” and second because… well, because these days the entire male target demographic is wanking to images of giant dongs and frightened women every other day or so.

Here we have a fairly crystalline distillation of what’s wrong with American culture. We’ve found the most corrupt, revolting, violent, unnatural, and unsatisfying ways possible to sate each of our separate natural biological desires, and now we’ve blundered onto a way to incorporate two of them into one big, stupid, disgusting experience. Combine shitty, chemical-laden “food” with nearly no nutritional value with empty, insulting, dehumanizing facsimiles of sex and you have the zenith of American capitalism, my dear readers.

Pretty soon you’re going to read a news story about some guy choking to death on a nine-patty burger while masturbating to video of a woman fucking a dog because his 64-ounce Mountain Dew Baja Blast was too far away from the toilet for him to reach it without upturning his laptop. I promise.

* Word up to the Esquire for the photo.

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