Oh my god, dude. Denny’s has introduced a new late-night menu with dishes designed by bands that no one except people who are really into Target commercials likes, bands such as Boys Like Girls, Taking Back Sunday, and fucking HOOBASTANK! Has there ever, ever been a funnier band name than Hoobastank? Every time I hear mention of Hoobastank, I just imagine a thirteen-year-old boy who has never been drunk before wearing a pot-leaf beanie and getting yelled at by his mom for making too much of a ruckus moshing in his bedroom.
Just imagine the meeting at which Hoobastank got together with the “creative team” who design Denny’s dishes to put this together, and then imagine the people who concoct Denny’s dishes guiding Hoobastank in creating a burrito with fried chicken, fried onions, cheese, and cheese sauce on it, but deciding that wasn’t Hoobastanky enough and tossing in a side of cheese sauce and a side of ranch.
Goddamnit, dude. That was the most banal, soulless, embarrassing thing I think I’ve ever seen. Denny’s wins.
I love nothing more than the inane copyrighted names corporate restaurants come up with for their alcoholic drinks (get over to Outback tonight and get you a Wallaby Darned, which is easily the best one there is) and dishes, and I make sure to order them whenever I get the chance, even if it means embarrassing the person who has to repeat my order to me. Really, corporate restaurants are an awesome social phenomenon; I often visit them just in order to get a look at what’s going on with the people that most people think of when they are discussing “Americans.” I know, I’m an asshole, but I can’t think of anything more entertaining than watching unsophisticated suburbanites get stoked about BBQ Pork Ravioli Bites, Kickin’ Jack Nachos, Chicken Parmesan Tanglers, or whatever other insane, bacon-and-cheese-encrusted food item the marketing geniuses have designed to appeal to people who can’t wait to start taking Lipitor. I like that shit so much, in fact, that Davetavius and I once drove over an hour to go to an Olive Garden in a Georgia suburb on a Saturday night to analyze the menu and watch other people eat.
If I could afford it, I’m certain that the ultimate entertainment experience would be to go corporate bar hopping in Times Square, which is the only place in Manhattan where one can find a TGI Friday’s, an Olive Garden, an Outback, a Hooters, an Applebee’s, a Red Lobster, and maybe even a Chili’s in one square mile, but they all charge about 175% of their normal menu prices due to location, so I’ll never know. I’ve always been blown away by the idea that someone would travel all the way to New York, a city full of awesome restaurants with decent prices, to eat the same food they can eat at their local strip mall while paying almost twice the money for the privilege, and I really want to go and see for myself what goes on in those joints. But alas…
I can’t afford that shit, but you know what I can afford? Denny’s. You know I’m going to a Denny’s after 10 PM at the first chance I get, because I wanna get me a Hooburito and some Potachos. Those are potato chip nachos, for those of you uncool motherfuckers who aren’t down with the new Rockstar Menu. And when I’m done with those, I’m gonna tell the waiter to whip a Smokin’ Q Four Pack on me, and I want that shit with A Ton O’Rings, to be certain. After that I’m gonna go get a sun tattoo and then maybe head back to the practice space to get me a full gulp pull of some Jager and “kick out some rockin’ jams” with my buddies: Big Dog, Ill Will, and The Burger. After which I’ll be back at the Denny’s to hit up that All-Nigher Value menu. Munchies, brah!
Seriously, dude, I’m pretty sure this new Denny’s menu is even making Guy Fieri and his 1996 Rockabilly kit look cool.
This shit is crossposted.