Have you guys heard about this “tea-bagging” bullshit? Apparently there are still three or four people out there holding onto the idea that their lives will get better if they will only vote in support of the rich people who have been fucking them over since 1980, and they have gotten together and formed what is undoubtedly going to be deemed the most embarrassing populist political movement of all time. There have been gatherings all over the country of late at which people dump boxes of Lipton into the water as a political protest. They fancy themselves the inheritors of the legacy of those dudes in Boston who, in 1773, tossed a bunch of British tea into the harbor in order to let the Brits know they weren’t going to be paying any taxes unless, in exchange for their taxes, they’d gain representation in Parliament. You know, that little event known as the Boston Tea Party that catalyzed the American Revolution. I totally see the parallels, don’t you?
These new jack tea-dumping rabblerousers think that by littering and wasting postage stamps mailing tea to the White House and Congress, they’re going to kick off the Revolution of 2009, which will put a stop to the three months of socialist tyranny and excessive taxation they’ve labored under so valiantly. (Oh, right, no one’s taxes have been increased at all.) And Republican politicians, who couldn’t get the media to give a shit about them if they were to get caught fucking horses on the Capitol steps in Wilson Phillips t-shirts, can’t wait to get in on the party. (But only the cool kids get to play. Michael Steele, the black guy the GOP hired to let us all know they’re so racist that they can’t tell that the reason we elected Barack Obama extends beyond the fact that he’s a black guy, has been clamoring to participate in one of the big planned April 15th tea-bagging rallies, but has been officially uninvited from the Chicago event.) The stated aims of these tea-baggers include such well-thought-out ideas as an end to all taxation, the dissolution of the Federal Reserve (not that I’m a fan of the Fed, but these people surely don’t understand how the Fed works or why they want to see it dissolved), the jettisoning of the stimulus plan, and the banning of poor people. OK, I made that last one up.
It must be intellectually comforting to view the world like Ayn Rand did. It just makes everything so simple, and it really helps boost the self-esteem of people who really need it. If the average middle-class suburb-dwelling telecommunications salesman couldn’t pat himself on the back for having achieved a bunch of shit that was actually handed to him by a society designed to meet his needs, he’d have time to think about his life and might actually realize just how uninteresting and unnoteworthy he really is. These asshole myopic Libertarian types truly don’t understand that taxes create the government that creates the institutional and administrative structures that allow businesses to exist and succeed. They don’t understand that they’re able to make a shitload of money in the value-added goods sector because people in other countries toil for almost no recompense in order to provide the basic components that go into the production of those value-added goods. They don’t understand the luck they’ve had being born male/white/able-bodied/etc. and being born into a family that could provide them with the kind of home environment and education that they need to take advantage of the opportunities that privilege presents to them. They don’t understand that our entire social structure exists to allow them to succeed. You can tell they don’t get any of this when you hear them (attempt to) explain why they object to the stimulus plan (or welfare, Social Security, food stamps, national health care, etc.). Republicans and Libertarians love to talk about “personal responsibility” and “pulling oneself up by one’s boostraps,” which is basically code for “I think niggers, beaners, lazy whores, and anyone else who wasn’t born with white male middle class privilege deserves to starve.” I cannot stomach conservative political ideology. It’s so disgusting, entitled, and willfully myopic that I just want to puke on everyone who dares bring it up in my presence. And Libertarians don’t get a pass because they want to legalize weed and prostitution (you know why they’re into that, and it ain’t because they’re in a big hurry to protect women or AIDS patients).
So, these misinformed, self-righteous, entitled dipshits who think they’re the shiznit for having two SUVs and a margarita machine have decided to waste a bunch of tea (which they’ve already paid taxes on) and make assholes of themselves in public in order to show everyone just how thoughtless and stupid they are, to make sure we all know that, no matter what the political climate and no matter what pressing issues we face, they’re on the side of the even richer, more disgusting people they aspire to be.
And they’re calling themselves “tea-baggers.” The whole thing apparently started with some housewife who decided to mail some bags of Lipton to the White House, which is innocent enough (although it’s still stupid), but apparently you can no longer use the words “tea” and “bag” within ten words of each other without some Harold and Kumar fan getting all pumped about the chance to make reference to yet another Urban Dictionary-type “sex” act. Yeah, dude, people all over the country are using the term teenagers have coined to refer to putting their balls on someone’s face/in someone’s mouth to refer to a misguided, totally nonsensical political protest movement. Once again, we have an example of the whole “sexual assault equals bad-assness” meme. I don’t get it, dude. I get pissed about things all the time, but I don’t go around telling people that I’m going to put my vagina on their face to show them who’s boss. I don’t know, maybe I don’t do that because I’m not a complete asshole with an IQ of 43.
The media just can’t get enough of this shit and has gone completely koo-koo for ball jokes, which I suppose isn’t all that surprising considering the fact that they’re nearly all 40-year-old Seth Rogan fans. But even old people are doing this shit, dude. Geriatric men on cable news channels are referring to groups of elderly citizens getting together to “teabag Obama” and to “teabag Congress,” and everyone is pretending that they don’t know that when they use “teabag” as a verb, they’re saying that old men and women are putting their balls on the president’s and Congress’s faces.
I hate America sometimes.
(Some organization is robo-calling people to get them involved in the tea-bagging craze. I know this because my mom told me. That’s right, dude, a robot called my mom to ask her if she’s into tea-bagging.)