This almost made me cry, and I’m no crybaby. (Part 2)

6 Feb

Here’s another excerpt I came across in reading submissive women’s blogs last night. This woman seems to be questioning the treatment she’s been receiving:

I haven’t been posting here. I apologize. I’ve been trying to live outside my head for a while, but you know how difficult that can be. I had to come back here to be with you and to talk over those things that only you and I understand. It is so isolating sometimes. I tried to share a part of myself with a close friend recently and it went very badly, so I have retreated. I know that no one understands except you reading here and blogging out there about this life. 

This is mostly my fault because I cannot explain this to myself, let alone someone else. Like, how do you put this kind of love into words when you don’t even understand what this kind of love is to begin with? Sometimes I think that it isn’t love at all, that it is just control and anger and hatred dressed up as something else. It isn’t care and protection. Sometimes it is just power for power’s sake. How can hurting me so badly, emotionally, serve any end other than to show me how much He hates me? Why else would he do this to me? 

I am going on a trip in a few months and it has already been decided that my suitcase will be inspected and He has already made it known that I am not trusted by myself on this trip. That may not seem like a big deal to any of you, but it seems like an intrusion and a declaration that I am not a competent adult who cannot be on her own without suspicion. It’s not a test. It just is. I can choose to leave if I don’t want to put up with it, but who throws away their whole life based on one thing like that? But that’s where they get you…it is one thing today and tomorrow it is another thing and before you know it, your whole life is under siege. Then you look back and wonder where you made the decision to stay and you see that did it every day in a million little ways and that you didn’t understand where it was going. And I don’t see how that can be love. It seems like something else.

Of all of the things that got me into this, the emotional control is the part I understood the least. I didn’t expect it and I didn’t see how it tied into the sexual control or ownership or any of that. I am still at a loss to understand it even now, even after it has become the predominant force is my life. I know that I crave it on some level. I can feel it deep in my stomach, that sort of swooping sensation when he puts his hand on my neck and tells me that he owns me. I know that’s the desire for control, or maybe the fear of it that gets crossed with desire. There are a lot of crossed wires in my head. 

I know that he craves it too. He craves the brutality just like I do, although I think he fears it a great deal less. The other night I was airing some grievance with him and I was speaking a little more forcefully than was appropriate. I could see the burning in his eyes and I quickly stopped. Later he told me that he wanted to hit me so hard in that moment and I immediately felt an electric charge shoot between us. We both wanted it, but if he had actually hit me in that moment? It would have destroyed me and I would have felt an unbelievable sense of betrayal. I know, because it has happened before. There is confusion about destruction for the purpose of rebuilding me and destruction for its own sake. What happens when they look the same from my position on the floor?

He scares me so much sometimes that I wonder about his motivations. He scares me the most those times when he lets up on me suddenly, when he stops the pain and the cruelty, and he draws me into him. I am still scared and defiant and fighting, I want to push him away, but I am out of strength. I collapse on him and start to cry and he comforts me and I wonder, what kind of love is this?

Do I even need to add anything?

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29 Responses to “This almost made me cry, and I’m no crybaby. (Part 2)”

  1. syndicalist702 February 6, 2009 at 5:29 PM #

    This story sounds even more like a battered woman scenario than Part 1. I want to stab that guy.

    • Nine Deuce February 6, 2009 at 5:31 PM #

      I’m not so sure. I mean, I want to stab the guy too, but this woman just sounds like she’s not quite as broken as the other one yet, no? The doubts she’s raising give me some hope (though that might be foolish of me). But yeah, this guy’s nothing but an emotionally, sexually, and physically abusive pile of shit.

      • karinova June 25, 2009 at 1:09 AM #

        This is depressing, but slightly less than the first one. I don’t know much about this type of “journey,” but I think I know people, and to me, this doesn’t sound like she’s “not broken yet,” so much as that she’s (getting) less-broken than she previously was.

        The entire tone of the post might be described as, “this is not what I signed up for.” And if there’s any kind of feminist bright spot here, it’s that she sounds just a little angry about that. Which I is a very hopeful sign. I may not be into her tweak, but if that’s truly what she likes, then I hope she doesn’t suppress it JUST because this particular asshole is taking it too far. Seems like subbing is just a sexgame she likes to play; not a life she wants to live 24/7.

        I hope the best for her.

  2. Trinity February 7, 2009 at 1:44 AM #

    You’re not the only one WTFing at that, ND. That’s just horrible.

  3. Still posting anonymously February 7, 2009 at 8:49 AM #

    This is unsurprising after my experiences in BDSM communities online and off. The more “extreme” a couple is, especially for the sub, the more status they have. It is very common in BDSM communities for someone to look down on someone who isn’t as extreme as them and tell them they are “just playing at it” or some crap. Submissives who get coerced into going further than they wanted to often get all kinds of approval and head pats from doms. So it’s not at all strange to me that this sub is scurrying for excuses that the relationship is less brutal than others.

  4. Still posting anonymously February 7, 2009 at 8:50 AM #

    Stupid me. I made that comment on the wrong post. It was meant to go on Part 1.

  5. depresso February 7, 2009 at 12:07 PM #

    Fuck. That’s almost exactly how I felt when I was in an abusive relationship, except that I didn’t want any of it.

  6. ThedaBara February 7, 2009 at 9:32 PM #

    This is just…mind boggling. Sweet, crispy Jeebus, and they’re having a child?!

  7. ThedaBara February 7, 2009 at 9:33 PM #

    Crap, that comment was meant for part 1. Too much wine last night…

  8. Aine February 7, 2009 at 11:34 PM #

    I read a few more of her posts- I’m shaking in anger and revulsion. I don’t care how “wonderful” and “beautiful” these people claim this lifestyle is, these men are monsters.

  9. delphyne February 8, 2009 at 1:20 AM #

    Gawd, I read quite a bit of her blog and apart from the horrendous sadism and cruelty he inflicts on her he sounds like a cliche from a porn movie – “You like this”, “I know what you want”, “You’re a little slut”, “I own you”.

    Even if you were really into pain, wouldn’t you get bored of someone that repetitive after a while? So much for BDSMers’ exciting sex lives – every night is the same, just with a lot more pain and danger than the so-called boring vanilla stuff.

  10. katie February 8, 2009 at 5:56 PM #

    I’ve not read any of the rest of her blog and so I can only comment on what I have seen so far posted on here.

    It’s all very easy to call the man an abusive piece of shit but you can’t deny that the woman does want it too. Even in here where she is starting to doubt the relationship and admits she is scared of him she admits that she craves the control. That isn’t only the mans fault.
    I do wonder how this situation came about. Presumably in the beginning she agreed to it and was happy to go along with it. The only problem is now is that it’s difficult for her to leave because she is scared, and she is also desires the control and doesn’t want to let it go.

    I do worry for the child though. It’s going to be pretty messed up if it grows up in that sort of environment.

  11. Jenn February 9, 2009 at 6:48 PM #

    Jesus, it sounds exactly like an abusive relationship. The whole self-doubting “what is wrong with me?” monologue is so incredibly tragic. I just really want to hug these women. Then I feel unbelievably sad when I know that they’d refuse my help—or anyone else’s—because the BDSM community and their partner has constantly told them that they need the abuse. Posts like these are the reason I’m not a pacifist. I really want to drive ice picks into this guy and the douchebag in post 1’s brains.

  12. saltyC February 11, 2009 at 5:56 PM #

    Katie,

    No, I see it as totally his fault. It doesn’t mitigate that she expresses adaptive preference, in this world, in general, a lot of exploitation is run on “consent” by the exploited. It would be a far more practical project to look at who is benefiting, materially, emotionally, who has more freedom, etc, than to look at who accepts the situation.

    The one who benefits is to blame. Period.

  13. Kim February 14, 2009 at 7:06 PM #

    We only have one side of this discussion, and while my instinct is to say that this person is using BDSM as an excuse to be abusive, I would be completely remiss if I did not note that there is a significantly higher percentage of women in the scene willing to lie or exaggerate their situation for attention than there are in any other social group that I have ever been a part of. Clearly she is interested in kink. I am more inclined to think that these two are just not appropriately paired than she is being directly abused. Micromanagement and humiliation are kinks unto themselves. They’re not my kinks, and obviously aren’t hers, but based on what I have read in just this one excerpt, they are or at least might be what he’s into. If there is fault finding here, it belongs primarily to both of them for not doing enough pre-ownership talking about their needs and likes, and his fault for offering the collar prior to it, and hers for accepting it. Past that, based on this writing, I find him lacking as an owner because he doesn’t really have a clue about the needs/feelings of his property. I can’t really pass a judgment on it that I’m comfortable with because we have not heard his version of the story, and because without trying I can think of several (more than three) women who have conveyed such a story, gotten me riled up to go kick some wannabe Dom’s behind, just to find out later that reality did not match up with the story I’d been told.
    I do worry about a child being brought into that pairing, though.

    • delphyne February 28, 2009 at 12:25 AM #

      “if I did not note that there is a significantly higher percentage of women in the scene willing to lie or exaggerate their situation for attention than there are in any other social group that I have ever been a part of”

      Mmmm, nothing like a bit of victim-blaming to cheer up a Friday. Did you ever think that perhaps the women you’ve heard complaining are actually being abused? Would it be too frightening to face up to the reality? Would it mean you might have to stop being a by-stander and actually do something to *help* them?

      Most of Kitten’s blog is her being treated in an extraordinarily violent way by the male sadist she is with, with a chorus of other BDSMers cheering “You go girl!” She gets a whole lot of attention for saying she loves it. When she starts talking about her real feelings about being hurt, the other BDSMers try to talk her out of it.

      Are you really that unaware that male abusers *lie* about their abuse of women? Funny how you accept the word of male sadists but are happy to call their female victims liars. Well not funny at all actually – it’s how male supremacy maintains itself – people turn away, call abused women liars and basically collaborate with male abusers of women.

  14. Jon February 27, 2009 at 5:57 PM #

    I am actually gonna agree with some of the harsher assessments here for a change. The relationship definitely sounds like its more on the abusive end of things.
    It’s the traditional, I love him but he absolutely treats me like shit all the time. One of the most important steps in BDSM play is the aftercare. You are indeed hurting someone physically and in order to ensure that the damage isn’t carried over to the emotional spectrum aftercare is essential.
    You have to make sure you are reassuring and bolstering the person and letting them know you really do care about them. Even in the most hardcore BDSM relationships aftercare is essential, or else you get things like this post.
    This fellow may very well be a genuine asshole.

    • Nine Deuce February 27, 2009 at 8:52 PM #

      I don’t think that this example is representative of every BDSM relationship or encounter, but after reading a few things like this, I really became worried about the potential for abuse in such a context. It’s here that I think the inability for us all to see eye to eye lies. I see this, and I’m simply terrified that the emotional ambiguity involved in M/s relationships leaves so much room for abuse (whether one thinks all BDSM is abuse is another topic that I’ll leave alone here). I’m concerned about Kink.com for a similar reason: what recourse is there in the case of abuse? The docs have been signed, the tape has been made, the consent is assumed because our legal system assumes women to be in a constant state of consent and because our authorities won’t take abuse claims seriously when they come from women who don’t fit into patriarchal ideas of who’s rapable. The way I see it, the women who work at Kink.com and the women in BDSM relationships can make whatever decisions they want to, but I’m leery of the people who might take advantage of their decisions when they’re in a vulnerable position. There just seems to be too much room for abuse, and it concerns me greatly. And that isn’t the only thing; I obviously have a theoretical ethical issue with the fetishization and eroticization of violence and oppression when real women face real violence and oppression every day, in ways they do not consent to.

    • delphyne February 28, 2009 at 12:29 AM #

      “You are indeed hurting someone physically and in order to ensure that the damage isn’t carried over to the emotional spectrum aftercare is essential. You have to make sure you are reassuring and bolstering the person and letting them know you really do care about them.”

      A.K.A. – grooming and mindfuck.

      If you didn’t do the “after care” the subs would be running like hell away from you. Men abusing women and then being ultra-nice to them afterwards when the pain is over (until the next time) is standard fare in domestic violence relationships.

      Has anybody called this domestic violence yet?Because that’s what it is. Fuck knows how so many feminists have been talked into thinking it’s acceptable rather than something we have to politically oppose.

      • Jon February 28, 2009 at 7:08 AM #

        We are not talking about drunk apologies after I send a right hook into a woman’s jaw here. We are talking about cuddling after sex.
        The S&M play we do is on par with foreplay for vanilla folk. It’s something we are both enjoying every step of the way.
        However what he seems to be doing there is the emotional equivalent of you sleeping with your significant other and THEN they punch you in the face. Or more likely, you just have earth shattering sex and then with no explanation, they get out of bed and walk away.
        It’s not a mind fuck, and it’s not grooming when the person ALREADY enjoys what you are doing to them. The thing I keep pressing is that Being into BDSM is something you are born with. It’s like being born Gay. It really is.
        We don’t take normal run of the mill people and twist them through brainwashing and pressure.

        • delphyne February 28, 2009 at 5:07 PM #

          Actually I quoted a sub on another thread who had exactly that done to her. She said she fought the guy every step of the way as he applied brainwashing and pressure tactics, but he still ended up getting her to submit. Capitulation isn’t making a real choice, it’s a decision to stop fighting.

          It seems to me that BDSMers are taking the same approach with BDSM’s critics – keep up the constant pressure and BS until we back down or walk away.

          Wanting to hurt women makes you a dangerous man, someone to be challenged not enabled.

      • Bean February 28, 2009 at 9:33 AM #

        I was under the impression that virtually all (if not, in fact, all) sex had some sort of “aftercare.” Vanilla people simply don’t call it aftercare. It’s “post-sex cuddling,” or whatever.

        I imagine that there would be some emotional after-effects in all cases where the involved parties did something deeply intimate together, and then simply sauntered out the door like they’d just played a game of checkers together.

        (Maybe some people *can* do that – but then I figure they must not be personally investing much in the sex.)

        When you do something with another person which requires a great deal of trust and intimacy, there needs to be some time taken to acknowledge that with each other. To let each other know that it was good, and the other’s efforts were appreciated.

        Even more so when it was very physically demanding. You can make great physical demands on yourself (for yourself, or for someone else), some of which may be very painful, and not have it harm you emotionally *if* you feel it had purpose and meaning. Think of ballet dancers.

        (Abuse is meaningless suffering. When you say, “But why did you hit me? What did I *do?*” – that’s abuse. At least, that’s always been my experience.)

        And in the case where someone gave something to someone else (like a sub giving up control to a dom), then that also is something that needs to be acknowledged. Everybody needs to have that nod and praise sometimes when they’ve worked hard; especially when they’ve worked hard *for someone else.* And I’d suspect subs need that more than most people, since it is (if I understand this right; it’s not my mindset) basically what fuels them in a relationship (doing things for someone else).

        No *shit* a sub would be suffering emotionally if no one said to them, “You were wonderful, and I love you.”

        But anyone in any relationship would suffer if that was never said.

        If someone didn’t provide their sub with aftercare, then yes, most likely the sub (if they were emotionally healthy enough to realise they needed to) would leave. Not because the aftercare keeps anyone from realising they’re “really” being abused. But because people leave relationships where they aren’t receiving love and affection when they should be.

        (I will also add that the relationship quoted above DOES sound abusive to me. Knowing nothing but what’s been quoted, I’d be very concerned for her.)

        • delphyne February 28, 2009 at 5:03 PM #

          So it’s OK for the guy to smack her in the jaw as long as it has “meaning”.

          Sorry but i disagree that an orgasm is meaningful.

          • Bean March 1, 2009 at 6:01 PM #

            Any application of reading comprehension should tell you that my previous comment had nothing to do with orgasm.

            Orgasm is not the be-all and end-all of sex (of any kind). I can think of several things [kinky and non-kinky] that I would be willing and even happy to do with a partner which would not necessarily result in an orgasm for me. Or, alternatively, not for them. Or not for either of us. I’d be happy to do it because it satisfied them, or because it did something for me which went beyond an orgasm. Preferably both.

            To return briefly to my ballet parallel, this is like you telling a ballet dancer, “So you went through all that incredibly grueling training just to hear people applaud?” Because of course, as a performer, you really, really want to hear people applaud. But that’s SO not the point. And if it is, you probably don’t last as any kind of performer for very long.

  15. Imaginary November 29, 2009 at 9:40 PM #

    Hugs and rainbows to the girl. You don’t need to be with a man, and you are strong enough to overcome this life.

    On the off chance you read this, know that we support you and hope that you find the strength we know you have to assert yourself. MWAH!

  16. lizor March 2, 2010 at 4:09 PM #

    “Even more so when it was very physically demanding. You can make great physical demands on yourself (for yourself, or for someone else), some of which may be very painful, and not have it harm you emotionally *if* you feel it had purpose and meaning. Think of ballet dancers.”

    That’s a pretty disingenuous comparison. Ballet training is a process of building strength, endurance and very specific neurological patterning for movement.

    And on a side note, as a former professional dancer, I can attest that the ballet world is rife with abuse, but like I say, that’s a side note.

    It used to be that there was a cult of pain in the ballet world, but that is seen as hugely outdated now that training has been influenced by functional anatomy and bodymind practices. In short, the body is seen more holistically now rather that a flawed machine to be beaten into submission, if you’ll pardon the comparison. Any ballet training worth it’s salt sees pain as injury and injury as a BAD thing.

    To compare the fine-tuning of human movement intertwined with the expression of emotion through gesture to the process of numbing out through increased exposure to pain is an insult to dance artists and to all athletes for that matter.

  17. lizor March 2, 2010 at 4:16 PM #

    “This is unsurprising after my experiences in BDSM communities online and off. The more “extreme” a couple is, especially for the sub, the more status they have. It is very common in BDSM communities for someone to look down on someone who isn’t as extreme as them and tell them they are “just playing at it” or some crap.”

    Isn’t this also true of mainstream porn? The more physical/mental/emotional abuse the woman “agrees” to; the more dehumanizing and degraded she appears, the greater her porn market “value”?

  18. Immir April 17, 2010 at 9:32 PM #

    Whoa deep. This is why it doesn’t just ‘stay in the bedroom’.

  19. slarty bartfast January 3, 2011 at 4:50 PM #

    For further insight, see the documentary “Graphic Sexual Horror”.

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