Songs You Don’t Want to Hear When Someone’s Trying to Hit on You (part 1)

8 Jun

I was at an 80s night recently (I know, I’m a fucking Stuff White People Like person) minding my own business when a song came on that embarrassed me much more than my Bud Light-fueled Molly Ringwald/Patrick Swayze-in-Roadhouse dance ever could, and it made me think of some of the songs I’ve heard in my life that, in certain situations, might have the potential to cause one to die of creeped-outedness. Basically, I don’t want anyone trying to dance with me, ever, unless we’re already friends, and I certainly don’t want some stranger sidling up to me looking like he’s aiming at a pants-off dance-off with me when one of these songs is playing. (YouTube is being lame right now, so I’ve included links rather than embeds. Please, DO have a look at these videos.)

  • LaTour, “People Are Still Having Sex.” Have you heard this fucking song? This was what was playing at the 80s night (despite the fact that it was released in 1991) when I decided to make this list. The lyrics? Imagine the breakdown from an Information Society song with some asshole who is really pissed that it isn’t 1982 and that he isn’t English going, “SEX, SEX, SEX, SEX…” for about 5 minutes straight. The video is even worse, combining somebody’s misguided idea of New Wave (which had been officially over for at least half a decade), the worst possible elements of an EMF video, and late-80s raver trends. While suffering through the auditory equivalent of a golden shower, I got to watch some extremely creepy woman attempt to make out with one of the dudes I had gone to the 80s night with, who was probably 20 years her junior. Now, I’m not opposed at all to older women dating younger men (and you all know I despise the fact that women become invisible in our beauty-and-youth-obsessed culture once they pass 35), but there was something distinctively lecherous about this one’s stilo. She danced up to the dude I know with a hideously lewd expression on her face, swishing her ruffly black skirt to and fro and shaking her boobs (which were barely covered with a frilly black bra top) along with each repetition of “SEX,” and then made her move. It wasn’t gross because she was being sexual, it was gross because she was doing it to this song. But it fucking worked! I’m not a dude, but alls I know is, if some 50-year-old dressed like a goth Charro came trotting up to me all sexual-chocolate like when that song was on, I’d break out a rape whistle.
  • Speaking of old people creeping young people out: George Michael, “Father Figure.” Is there such a thing as a skeezier song than “Father Figure”? Just imagine yourself hanging out at some bar – nay – lounge, maybe in Dallas, when this one comes on the Muzak system, sans vocals, and having some old dude across the room tip his glass and wink at you. Or come and ask you to slow-dance with him! Seriously, is this a pop song or the fucking NAMBLA theme song? According to the video, George is simply offering to act as a father figure to a Michelle Forbes-in-Kalifornia lookalike who does some runway, but I call bullshit. I mean, check out these lyrics:

That’s all I wanted, something special,
Something sacred in your eyes,
For just one moment, to be bold and naked
At your side

Sometimes I think that you’ll never understand me
Maybe this time is forever, say it can be

That’s all you wanted, something special,
Someone sacred in your life
Just for one moment, to be warm and naked
At my side

Sometimes I think that you’ll never understand me
But something tells me together, we’d be happy

I will be your father figure (Oh baby)
Put your tiny hand in mine (I’d love to)
I will be your preacher teacher (Be your daddy)
Anything you have in mind (It would make me)
I will be your father figure (Very happy)
I have had enough of crime (Please let me)
I will be the one who loves you
till the end of time

That’s all I wanted
But sometimes love can be mistaken for a crime
That’s all I wanted just to see my baby’s blue EYES shine
This time I think that my lover understands me
If we have faith in each other
Then we can be strong

I will be your father figure
Put your tiny hand in mine
I will be your preacher teacher
Anything you have in mind
I will be your father figure
I have had enough of crime
I will be the one who loves you
till the end of time

If you are the desert, I’ll be the sea
If you ever hunger – hunger for me
Whatever you ask for, that’s what I’ll be

So when you remember the ones who have lied
Who said that they cared
But then laughed as you cried
Beautiful darling, don’t think of me

Because all I ever wanted
It’s in your eyes baby, baby
And love can’t lie, no…
(Greet me with the eyes of a child)
My love is always telling me so
(Heaven is a kiss and a smile)
Just hold on, hold on
I won’t let you go, my baby

I will be your father figure
Put your tiny hand in mine
I will be your preacher teacher
Anything you have in mind
I will be your father figure
I have had enough of crime
So I am gonna love you
till the end of time
I will be your father
I will be your preacher
I’ll be your daddy
I will be the one who loves you
till the end of time

  • George Michael, “I Want Your Sex.” George was really going off in 1987. This shit was seriously racy back then, what with the wet hair, garters, and satin sheets in the video, and that’s without even touching the lyrics, which make Tone Loc look like DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince. Even the music itself is dirty, sounding as it does like a dub of lube squirting from a bottle on repeat. I don’t know where you’d hear this song, but I’m pretty sure it’ll be happening soon at some hipster club night in New York (don’t steal my idea, fuckers, I’m gonna make a million bucks as a club promoter). In that case, pervy dudes could pretend they were dancing up on women while this song was on for the sake of irony, but that’s bullshit. Anyone trying to dance with anyone to the tune of this jam is a creep. The lyrics read like a manual entitled High-Pressure Techniques for Getting Her Pants Off. And, seriously, George obviously has incest on the brain:

It’s natural
It’s chemical (let’s do it)
It’s logical
Habitual (can we do it?)
It’s sensual
But most of all…
Sex is something we should do
Sex is something for me and you

Sex is natural – sex is good
Not everybody does it
But everybody should
Sex is natural – sex is fun
Sex is best when it’s… One on one

I’m not your father
I’m not your brother
Talk to your sister
I am a lover

C-c-c-c-come on

What’s your definition of dirty baby
What do you consider pornography
Don’t you know i love you till it hurts me baby
Don’t you think it’s time you had sex with me

  • Nine Inch Nails, “Closer.” I used to live in San Diego. When I was a teenager, we used to go to Tijuana to get drunk since you only had to be 18 and you could pay any doorman $5 to let you in even if you weren’t. In between songs like “Tootsie Roll” and “You Gotta Lick It Before We Kick It” (I know), I often got to hear this song. You’d think that Nine Inch Nails wouldn’t go so hot with Miami Bass Wars-type songs, but the lyrics, if you only pay attention to part of them ( “I want to fuck you like an animal!
    I want to feel you from the inside! I want to fuck you like an animal!”), fit right into the accompanying soundtrack to Marines trying to pork high school girls on dancefloors covered in puked-up, watered-down tequila. If you listen to all of them, however, you might realize that Trent Reznor, besides being responsible for some of the worst music ever made, may just be the biggest asshole that ever lived. He’s constantly writing lyrics that dudes who are into Tool and college football think are deep, shit like this song, which he probably penned with a satisfied smile on his face, thinking, “I’m really exposing the animalistic nature of man. I mean, we’re all just fucking animals, man. It’s all instinct. It’s all about tapping into that animal nature and getting to those primal, animal experiences.” Imagine the kind of establishment you’d hear this song at, imagine the kind of people who hang out there, and then think about one of them stalking you all night before making his approach, nostrils flared and eyes narrowed, mouthing Trent’s lyrics. Seriously, what kind of inanity goes through the mind of the kind of person that’s picking up what Trent Reznor is laying down in this song? People who are into this shit are also into telling everyone how crazy they are. SNORE.

You let me violate you.
You let me desecrate you.
You let me penetrate you.
You let me complicate you.

Help me; I broke apart my insides.
Help me; I’ve got no soul to sell.
Help me; the only thing that works for me
Help me get away from myself.

You can have my isolation.
You can have the hate that it brings.
You can have my absence of faith.
You can have my everything.

Help me; tear down my reason.
Help me; it’s your sex I can smell.
Help me; you make me perfect.
Help me become somebody else.

I want to fuck you like an animal!
I want to feel you from the inside!
I want to fuck you like an animal!
My whole existence is flawed.
You get me closer to God.

Through every forest, above the trees.
Within my stomach, scraped off my knees.
I drink the honey inside your hive.
You are the reason I stay alive.

To be continued…

*Note: I’ve had this post up for ONE HOUR, and someone’s already gotten to my page by searching for “animal sex.” Lovely.

** Another note: I know I could have done much harder-hitting feminist analysis on these songs, but they all seemed a little too obvious.


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13 Responses to “Songs You Don’t Want to Hear When Someone’s Trying to Hit on You (part 1)”

  1. keepingnote June 8, 2008 at 6:17 AM #

    Hilarious!

  2. Windstorm June 8, 2008 at 10:14 PM #

    Good post. I just put “Spinal Tap” on my Netflix queue.

  3. Evo June 9, 2008 at 11:47 PM #

    I’m so glad you’re back. I’ve been a shady lurker for sometime and check here every day for a dose of sanity. First comment. Thank you so much for being here.

    Another song, that blows by creepy and takes it all the way to horrifically fucking scary is “Possum Kingdom” by the Toadies. This got a lot of play on the radio during its one-hit fame and I still hear it from time to time despite my intentional avoidance of most radio. I have not had a dude hit on me to this song thus far, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s been done. *shudder*

    I apologize if this is too long to be posting. The lyrics are below:

    Make up your mind
    Decide to walk with me
    Around the lake tonight
    Around the lake tonight
    By my side
    By my side
    I’m not gonna lie
    I’ll not be a gentleman
    Behind the boathouse
    I’ll show you my dark secret

    I’m not gonna lie
    I want you for mine
    My blushing bride
    My lover, be my lover, yeah…

    Don’t be afraid
    I didn’t mean to scare you
    So help me, Jesus

    I can promise you
    You’ll stay as beautiful
    With dark hair
    And soft skin…forever
    Forever

    Make up your mind
    Make up your mind
    And I’ll promise you
    I will treat you well
    My sweet angel
    So help me, Jesus

    (hey, hey, hey)

    Give it up to me
    Give it up to me
    Do you wanna be
    My angel?
    So help me!

    Be my angel
    Be my angel
    Do you wanna die?
    I promise you
    I will treat you well
    My sweet angel
    So help me, Jesus

    Jesus
    Jesus
    Jesus…

  4. Nine Deuce June 10, 2008 at 12:22 AM #

    I forgot about that song. Jesus CHRIST.

  5. gare June 11, 2008 at 12:07 AM #

    jeezus H i go away for 2 weeks and yu go from abortion and porn to analyzing old movies and song lyrics?? this aint the man-chine, this is the duece-chine, its all about YOU .. which is really what blogs are supposed to be where i come from so good for you.. i see now when you were younger (say maybe six deuce or seven deuce) you were in california, STILL no heartland midwestern experience, aint raised no kids in iowa! neither have i mind you.. but lyrics… we got over the rhythms of evil with elvis and what tipper gore started, al sharpton finished on tryin to tone those words down .. aint nothing gonna worked .. but i been listenin to black sabbath 1 since 70 and still aint ripped the head off a bat, (not that im ruling it out, im SAVING IT).. in fact, iron man is in a movie you probably dont like! lyrics dont make people DO things not counting manson.. yannoo?

    gare, who thought the third wave was a surfing term

  6. Nine Deuce June 11, 2008 at 1:49 AM #

    I love Black Sabbath! I, too, have yet to bite the head off of a bat, but it’s on my list.

  7. pisaquaririse June 11, 2008 at 3:38 PM #

    A song you never ever want to hear eva:
    (proceed with *caution*)

    “Fever for the Flava”–Hot Action Cops

    Do you think that I can get some jiggy jiggy
    Maybe get a little finga sticky sticky
    You my electrical lip balm flava
    I gots to do ya till the next song saves ya
    And can I get a little zip zip, lookie lookie
    Maybe just a little uh uh, nookie nookie
    Hey whatcha say, it doesnt matter anyway
    You wont do another cause you’re getting with me

    Shes got the power of the hoochie
    I got the fever for the flava of the coochie
    And did I mention, hey pay attention
    Im gonna take that booty to the nudie dimension
    I got the green glow under my car
    I got the boom boom system, you can hear real far…

  8. Nine Deuce June 11, 2008 at 4:49 PM #

    Lovely. At least he’s got the green glow under his car and the system you can hear real far.

  9. pisaquaririse June 11, 2008 at 5:31 PM #

    Does me in every time.

  10. Nine Deuce June 11, 2008 at 5:36 PM #

    I have a hard time getting too upset about songs that seem to have been written by 12-year-old boys, but I’m kind of pissed to find out these people took an awesome band name out of play. I could have done a lot more with a name like Hot Action Cops.

  11. Imaginary September 28, 2009 at 8:39 AM #

    I always liked Closer. I figured it was about hating yourself, which I think is very apt (in my case). But that’s the only NIN song I like, so I don’t know anything about this Trent Reznor man.

    But that “I Want Your Sex” made my jaw drop, and then I had to scrub out the inside of it with a cloth to get the disgust out. I- I- Wow. We don’t need to qualifier that you’re not raping your sibling/daughter, unless you actually are.

    I think the worst song I ever heard was about being a rapist. I think it was called “I’m a rapist”, written by some worthless douche in blackface that I wanted to stab with my pitchfork, the stupid wanker (you know he wanks because no one could ever love him, the lonely pathetic useless scrap. I think people like that should be broken down into compost).

    Good thingy post. It was funny. You’re awesome. Have a smile :).

  12. Immir March 8, 2010 at 2:37 AM #

    Lol, someone got to your site by looking up ‘animal sex’, huh? I can only imagine how many dissapointed people stumble in here after looking up god-knows-what.

  13. Alice July 7, 2010 at 12:49 AM #

    “What I hoped would have been a higher art thing became a frat house, date-rape, strip club anthem. Sad.”
    — Trent Reznor on “Closer”

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