Let me know if you need any tips on how to celebrate the new Fourth of July, Rick Ducommun Day. He’s Canadian, but who cares? I’m not that pumped about anything America’s doing these days, so I’ve been looking for a replacement for the Fourth of July.
Do you remember the movie The ‘Burbs? A few people I know and I used to dress up as Tom Hanks in The ‘Burbs every year for Halloween (an excuse to go to bars in pajamas and bathrobes), but that shit was weak sauce now that I think about it. Remember Art? He was easily the best character in the movie, and he was played by Rick Ducommon, whose birthday is July 3. Since July 4 is an annoying day to try to party on, I think it makes an excellent alternative holiday.
The key to celebrating it is a polo shirt, Madras shorts, boat shoes, canned beer, and extreme suspicion directed at your neighbors. You can light off fireworks if you want, like the crazy old ex-Army guy in The ‘Burbs might do (I don’t want to deprive anyone of lighting off fireworks, which is the most fun one can have), but just make sure you spend at least a quarter of the day theorizing about the illegal and/or immoral activities of a neighbor, preferably with a few of your other neighbors.