You’re never too young for implants.

When it comes to serious feminist analysis, Jezebel is pretty weak sauce (being the “most feminist” of the Gawker Media empire sites isn’t saying much), but the site occasionally alerts me to an item or two of interest, such as the new internet sensation sweeping the nation known as Miss Bimbo. Miss Bimbo is a new online game for young girls in which the goal is to date hot dudes, have hot hair, be into hot stuff, wear hot clothes, have hot boobs, and just be generally hot, which is hot. You win by collecting bimbo attitude points (essentially popularity points), which you can amass by getting breast implants, taking diet pills, having the best wardrobe (including lingerie and “clubwear”), having the most money (for shopping, of course) and — I’m assuming — being the biggest asshole. Basically, the goal is to become Daisy De La Hoya.

The site, which looks like it’s been doused in Pepto-Bismal and hair bleach, is just the next installment in the Bratzification of American girls, but it’s even more sinister than Bratz dolls themselves. Or maybe not? The Bratz people are teaching young girls that being a woman is all about fulfilling male fantasies and allowing yourself to be reduced to sexualized body parts and fashion choices, but they’re being sneaky about it. At least the dude behind the Miss Bimbo phenomenon is telling the truth about what capitulating to the Bratz doll ideal entails in all its ugly details: if you want to live up to today’s model of femininity, get ready to starve, cut yourself up, and eschew having a personality that goes beyond being a snottie hottie.

Wait, what the fuck am I saying? This guy’s an asshole! The site’s creator, Nicholas Jacquart, a French dude of 23 (Is there anything more revolting than male continental Europeans?), claims that his site, which encourages crash dieting and plastic surgery among female children, is just “harmless fun” that “mirrors real life in a tongue-in-cheek way.” I suppose he might be right about the fact that it mirrors reality, what with the growth of pro-ana websites that serve a mainly preteen and adolescent audience and the exponential growth in breast implant surgery among ever younger women, but is that a reason to promote those practices even further by teaching young girls that these kinds of behaviors are not only normal, but the only path to happiness as a woman? But it’s not all bad; Jacquart, responsible motherfucker that he is, is doing his part to combat eating disorders. The rules section of the site, according to TimesOnline, warns players that although the goal is “to keep your bimbo waif thin… every girl needs to eat, every now and again,” so it’s important to give the old gal a rice cake every week or so to prevent her from dying and having to pass on her wardrobe of thongs and boots with the fur to some other bimbo.

I’m happy to report that, in every article I’ve read about Miss Bimbo, parents are outraged that their daughters are being encouraged to starve and mutilate themselves. However, I’m unhappy to report that, in these same articles, I’ve found that there are 1.2 million girls playing this game in France, 200,000 in the UK, and who knows how many in the US, where I expect that the membership of the site will go apeshit once the it gains ground over here. I’m also unhappy to report that, although most of the parents and parents’ organizations took issue with the game’s promotion of extremely disturbing practices like crash dieting and plastic surgery, none of them mentioned the larger forces at work behind the game and its central premise that girls’ value resides in their sex appeal and their material possessions: our culture has become disgustingly complacent about the sexualization and objectification of female children and adolescents, and we are teaching an entire generation of girls that life revolves around nothing but pink shit and boys named Cade.

Where is the outrage about the fact that the options being presented to girls in our supposed “post-feminist” society are so restricted and detrimental to the human spirit? Where is the outrage at seeing girls turned into fashionbots with no interests beyond their hair and boys who are being taught to see them as nothing but brainless sex objects? Where is the outrage at the fact that this game is telling girls that being called a bimbo is not only nothing to get upset about, but something to celebrate? It’s pretty clear to me, even with my inferior female brain, that Nicholas Jaquart has a pretty low opinion of girls and their place in the world, so why the fuck isn’t there more uproar over the fact that he’s marketing a game to female children? Way to miss the point, Jezebel.

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