I basically go off, dude. People all over the internet call me rad. They call me fem, too, but I’m not all that fem. I mean, I’m female and I have long hair and shit, but that’s just because I’m into Black Sabbath. I don’t have any mini-skirts, high heels, thongs, or lipstick or anything, and I often worry people with my decidely un-fem behavior. I’m basically a “man” trapped in a woman’s body. What I mean is that, like a person with a penis, I act like a human being and expect other people to treat me like one even though I have a vagina. That doesn’t mean anyone ever meets my expectations, but I still have them. It’s too bad so few people are as smart as I am or they’d have all figured out by now that genitalia oughtta not make a fuck (read that last bit with a redneck accent) and that we should all get to be human beings instead of “women” or “men.” It’s really too bad.
So, I started this blog.
This is the page where everyone finds out who Nine Deuce is, right? Like what I’m into, whether I’m gay or straight, old or young, hot or not, cool or weak sauce, black or brown or red or yellow or white (because those are the only five options), fat or skinny, tall or short, Scientologist or Wiccan? Right, here goes:
- I like poetry slams, chili cookoffs, Renaissance faires, bluegrass festivals, tailgate parties, fun runs, and Bible camps.
- I also like spinning in circles, drawing pictures of horses, braiding hair, picking flowers, and loudly discussing my stock trading activities at tapas bars.
- I can often be seen in Central Park on a unicycle selling cotton candy or playing with my hackey sack and devil sticks.
- When I’m not doing that I’m working as a roadie for Blues Traveler and getting tattoos in Chinese that I can’t read but that I’m sure say shit like “love” and “courage.”
- My car has several bumper stickers on it. They read, “All gave some, some gave all,” and “These colors don’t run,” and “Never forget,” and “It’s a choice, not a child,” and “Honk if you’re gay,” and “Show us your tits!”
- My favorite movie is Talladega Nights, but I can also appreciate Will Ferrell’s early work.
- I carry a ghetto blaster with me everywhere I go, and I alternate between “Centerfield” by John Fogerty and “Boogie in Your Butt” by Eddie Murphy.
- I’ve got 9 kids from 10 dads (none of whom are white), 1 transgendered Chinchilla, and a giant Belgian rabbit who only eats carnitas.
- I try to have an abortion at least once every ten weeks. I find it’s good for my complexion.