Just the Tip

9 Oct

A few weeks ago, while wondering whether the avalanche of uterus-related GOP bullshit might just be an elaborate ruse by a few anti-Mormon Evangelical Republicans to ensure Romney doesn’t win the presidency and force us all to start calling him Heavenly Father, I overheard a few bros at the adjacent table at the coffee joint regaling each other with tales of their sexual exploits. One bro, somewhat jocularly ribbing the other for his lack of manipulative mojo, asked the other, “Dude, don’t you know the ‘just the tip’ trick?” It wasn’t the first time I’d heard a “just the tip” “joke” this month. It’s become a ubiquitous meme in contemporary dude media to the point that urban Comedy Central intellectuals have begun to use it as a parody of the frat scene that they share everything but a sense of irony with but somehow still disdain.

That such a “joke” can reach the level of saturation that it has ought to indicate to the public that now isn’t the time to pare down our already gruesomely uncomprehensive definition of rape.

In case you live under a magical rock that shields you from rape culture, the “just the tip trick” refers to a dude pressuring someone into intercourse by striking a bargain in which he will purportedly insert “just the tip” into whatever orifice into which he’s seeking entry. No one has ever tried out the “just the tip” strategy on me, but as a heterosexual female over the age of fifteen, I’ve been privy to various other forms of male sexual deal-making and they’ve never turned out well for me (or any of the other women I’ve discussed this topic with). The reason for this is that there is usually a fundamental difference in the motives of the parties negotiating booty treaties, or it wouldn’t occur in the first place.

When one partner doesn’t want to be penetrated and the other refuses to simply accept that reality and fuck off, rape culture shows its smug, smirking face. Any bargain entered into in such a scenario constitutes an unrequited concession on the part of the penetrated made in order to get the penetrator to leave her (or him) alone. The penetrator, on the other hand, seeks to forge these bargains in the hopes that, once penetration has occurred, he can just continue on to do whatever he wanted to do before he was refused entry in the first place, following the logic of rape culture that assures us all that once consent to penetration has been given (or, once the penetrated has been worn down enough), even if the penetrated has only consented to “just the tip,” rape becomes an ontological impossibility.

And no dude in the history of the entire world, after having struck a “just the tip” deal, has ever held to his side of the bargain. Which is why it is imperative that we not only refuse to allow men of any political stripe to define rape and to usurp our emperorship over our own bodies, but that we step up and do the defining ourselves. “Just the tip” is a form of rape. “Just for a second” is a form of rape. “You have to carry a fetus you don’t want to carry” might even be called a form of rape.

If I have to memorize the name of one more smarmy, bank-owned suit rack who can’t tell the difference between a Penis Intake/Baby Delivery Module™ and a human being, I’ll run out of time for devising satirical Guy Fieri-isms (“Up next on Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives, the bacon pastrami dog at this joint in Annapolis will make you say, ‘Oh, snap-olis!'”). Thus, I’ll henceforth be referring to all men with opinions on my right to bodily sovereignty as Ryan Aiken.

Ryan Aiken and Ryan Aiken, likely preparing to pen new legislation on how women ought to pee

Feminist bloggers and activists have, over the course of the development of this new brand of lunacy that appears to “outpace parody,”* done a lovely (and often hilarious) job of calling to light just how comically incorrect these men’s proclamations about female anatomy and sexual experience are. But digging below the extreme-right GOP folderol unearths some basic cultural assumptions that just aren’t that funny.

Reading this piece  by Lissa Harris on her experience as a rape victim at The Nation a few weeks ago got me to thinking. I’ve been a little bewildered by my own lack of interest in Rapeapalooza, at least when I guiltily compare my own silence to the enraged repudiations of Ryan Aiken’s statements by other feminist bloggers and various political commentators. At least, that is, until I read this bit in Harris’s post:

Being myself a rapee, and also an empirically minded sort of person, I find myself wondering what would have been different about my life so far if I’d grown up under Todd Akin Law. And, being fully committed to empiricism even when it conflicts with dearly held personal beliefs, I have to confess: Not much.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t plan to sit around smoking weed and watching Through the Wormhole while a horde of Ryan Aikens legislates women back to the nineteenth century. But I, like Lissa Harris, don’t see a huge difference between the way the world works today and the way Ryan Aiken would like it to operate, at least with regard to sexual assault (abortion, of course, is another matter). (I suppose my lack of rage at reading and listening to arrogant, presumptuous quotes from smug phallocrats who are at best indifferent to the effect rape has on the individual woman or girl and on women and girls as a whole might be a symptom of rape fatigue, but I suspect I’ve been suffering from it for far longer than a few months, and that it has something to do with the paucity of posts around here. If the Kübler-Ross model is correct, then I’d say I’ve passed through the denial and anger phases and entered the acceptance phase in grieving the loss of the idea that men give a shit about women.)

There’s no real way to know whether Ryan Aiken even cares one way or the other about fetuses. He may have just decided to get on board with the GOP because he figured he’d have an easier time keeping his story straight if he went to work for the party that openly admits its absolute allegiance to big business and finance rather than the one that pretends otherwise. But it doesn’t really matter either way.  What matters is that some very large, very proximate, very important dots be connected.

In a culture saturated with misogynistic pornography, in a society in which “just the tip” describes the average male attitude toward women’s sexual autonomy, we ought to quit pretending Ryan Aiken’s ideas are all that bizarre. For Ryan Aiken, narrowly defining rape as “forcible vaginal copulation” and denying women the right to pursue their own reproductive decisions even when they have been robbed of the right to decide whether to conceive in the first place is the logical next step once male supremacists of all political leanings have just-the-tipped the public into the idea that abortion should be restricted at all and that rape is somehow less rapey when there is no visible physical trauma.

Rape culture exists with or without Ryan Aiken. Pornography, “just the tip,” and Ryan Aiken’s views on female anatomy and sexuality are all part and parcel of a rape culture in which women are seen not as fully autonomous human beings but as vessels and canvasses for male ambitions and desires. The Aikens might offer up some benzo-doped fish in a barrel, but liberal feminists are going to have to confront the fact that, underneath all of the borderline-satirical rhetoric, the Aikens’ conception of women hardly makes them outliers.

* See Ben Lerner, “Contest of Words: High school debate and the demise of public speech,” Harper’s Magazine, Oct. 2012.

50 Responses to “Just the Tip”

  1. Boner Killer October 9, 2012 at 4:58 PM #

    I, apparently, have been living under a rock because I haven’t heard of this term before. I am so disgusted by it though, are these guys serious? Wow…

    So glad you posted again, although your archives are wonderful, too!

  2. Rachel October 9, 2012 at 5:38 PM #

    Thanks for this. Makes me glad I live under a rock, and that a good writer like you does not, and is paying attention.

    • Nine Deuce October 9, 2012 at 5:50 PM #

      I hope that bit about the rock doesn’t offend anyone.

  3. gracemargaret October 9, 2012 at 6:05 PM #

    Is it just me or does Paul Ryan look like the demon spawn of Patrick Bateman and Katie Roiphe?

  4. Nine Deuce October 9, 2012 at 6:12 PM #

    It did not occur to me before, but he does.

  5. Scoz October 9, 2012 at 6:23 PM #

    You write so well I say things out loud like “ARRRGHHH!” while I’m reading.

  6. isme October 9, 2012 at 8:09 PM #

    Yeah, I’d agree with that, those should be extremnists but haven’t been for some time.

  7. pisaquaririse October 9, 2012 at 10:13 PM #

    Ryan Aiken <3's porn. Ryan Aiken <3's controlling female bodies.
    These are related!!

  8. sneeky bunny October 9, 2012 at 11:31 PM #

    Wel. Come. Back. You’ve been missed.

  9. Rididill October 10, 2012 at 11:27 AM #

    wow great timing, I was just thinking I might write about this ‘just the tip’ shit. It is actually written on the tip box at a coffee shop near me.

    • gracemargaret October 10, 2012 at 11:51 PM #

      Jezebel’s weird. Sometimes they have incredibly insightful pro-woman pro-feminist stuff and sometimes they have clueless, borderline misogynistic articles. I guess they think that’s some sort of “balance”?

  10. Eric October 10, 2012 at 8:43 PM #

    A Jezebel link? Hope your Radical card doesn’t get revoked. I kid, of course. Also:

    “He’d have an easier time keeping his story straight if he went to work for the party that openly admits its absolute allegiance to big business and finance rather than the one that pretends otherwise.”

    ^ THIS.

  11. Fede October 11, 2012 at 1:51 PM #

    What sneeky bunny said!

    And yeah, I think there’s some truth to the Kübler-Ross model. Grieving the loss of the illusion that non-woman-hating men are common, that’s exactly what this reader has been doing since a somewhat hazy point in childhood.

    I guess I am at some kind of apathetic depression stage of the Kübler-Ross model. Not quite ready for next step yet, although I’m fully aware that my hope of changing things just a tad in the right direction will probably be better when and if I ever manage to approach the world from a point of acceptance.

    My goal is to reach that last stage in the grieving process. Then I might finally be able to do something constructive to counter some of the blinding horrors all these interchangeable Ryan Aikens keep unleashing on us in their infinite stupidity and cowardice. But I keep getting stuck in the rage-bargaining-depression loop.

    I don’t do the bargaining with men, by the way. But I do find myself trying to bargain with the universe whenever the awareness of the misogynists being in such an overwhelming majority threatens to, well, overwhelm me.

    ME: No, no, this can’t be right. Come on, if I promise to study hard and eat my vegetables, you’ll show me where my calculations are wrong, won’t you?

    UNIVERSE: Your calculations are not wrong.

    ME: But, but… that’s impossible! There can’t be that many of them!

  12. mechantechatonne October 12, 2012 at 3:20 AM #

    I feel a bit of fatigue lately as well. And similar about the Ryan Aiken stuff. Either way you flip it, ranking how misogynist misogyny is just feels like a lot of effort to be expending. “Men strongly dislike and wish to control and/or destroy us” doesn’t feel like news anymore once it’s really sunken in.

  13. Hecate October 12, 2012 at 2:01 PM #

    Perhaps that can be used as an ‘in’ for threatening rapists, as in how much gets cut off as punishment. Just the tip? More? That would shut them up right quick.

    I definitely identify with Fede. I come from a family that has incorporated patriarchal values to a ridiculous extent, yet has either been incapable of or unwilling to acknowledge it. So that has left me in a very isolated space. And when you’re in the ‘rage-bargaining-depression’ rut, that alienation can be even more challenging.

    I’m fortunate to have found more enlightened spaces like this, because from what I’ve seen, a lot of women would rather sit around and gossip about why Oprah is fat (my sister’s weird obsession), than have a real dialogue around the more pressing and urgent issues. That has always puzzled me. We’ve accomplished so much as feminists, yet we obsess over trivialities. It has been other women, not men, who comment on the way I dress: “She could try wearing a skirt.” So while I am still convinced that men are responsible for much of the grievous and very real harm inflicted on civilization past and present, I wish more women would put on their ‘serious face’ in confronting it. This blog is one of few places I’ve witnessed females actually putting a foot down and saying ‘enough is enough.’

  14. Murasaki October 12, 2012 at 7:27 PM #

    Oh 9D I wish you weren’t so right all the time. Yep to all you said – its not like these douchecanoes are new candidates trying to enter politics for the first time – they are mostly already seated members right? And plenty, plenty of your fellow citizens agree with them! or they wouldnt be there.

    We are having a kind of exciting while at the same time depressing episode down under. Recently the PM (Julia Gillard) called out the oppostion leader (Tony Abbott) for misogyny and mansplaining in the parliament and she actually let loose a bit of righteous rage. Our media down here is 99% right wing owned so its being reported as her playing “the gender card” whatever that means and Abbott can’t possibly be a misogynist cos in the dictionary it says “woman hater” and Abbott has a wife! Never mind the comments he has made in the past – WHILE a seated member – that women are just not suitable for high leadership, that abortion is “an easy way out” and some shit about women should be ironing. He’s got daughters therefore he’s not a sexist chump, he just has “old fashioned values”.

    So yeah I understand its pretty much one shit sandwich or the other – at least Obama’s has a bit of health care and social security to wash it down with. We have the same eat shit dilemna here when voting – the current slightly left of centre party has a couple of cool members but their party line is against marriage equality and their track record on Indigenous issues and refugees is woeful. Either we vote for them though, we vote for the Greens and hope they get enough seats to hold some sway or we vote for Free Marijuana and hope for the best.

  15. isme October 13, 2012 at 8:31 AM #

    While we’ve not got much in the way of good choices in Australia, and while strongly opposed to Abbott and his kind, IMHO we are much more fortunate than those living in the US under the threat of a Republican government. Not that that excuses Australian politcians or voters, New Zealand seems to be able to do better, though I’ve not followed their politics that closely.

    As an aside, I sometimes wonder if MRAs et al get apologist fatigue or somesuch, if they can’t muster the spoons to throw more vitriol at women, if they sometimes let people’s rights exist unchallenged, or is it something that drives them on without burning them up.

  16. Traveler October 15, 2012 at 11:09 PM #

    Praise the Lord. Nine Deuce is back.

  17. Sugarpuss October 21, 2012 at 12:00 AM #

    You forgot “I’ll pull it out” (before ejaculation occurs). I heard this one when I was 16, from a dude who was 27. I wanted to have sex with him, but he lied and told me he’d wear a condom. When I reached down and discovered he was raw-doggin’, I was like “WTF? Where is the rubber?”. He then responded with “I’ll pull out. I swear.” Luckily, he was too drunk to finish. I left his apartment after he passed out. Anyhow, bottom line: He fucking lied. He attempted to play Russian roulette with my ovaries, my uterus and my future.

    Never. Trust. Men.

  18. Feminists exploit rape victims October 30, 2012 at 11:31 AM #

    I am tired of people talking about rape. It doesn’t help people who have actually been raped, and makes life worse for us. The current obsession with rape in the media has caused my rape related PTSD to go through the roof. I may even have to go on disability because every tv show, newspaper and internet site the past 3 months has been filled with the word rape and graphic depictions of rape and I am having flashbacks and self-injuring because of it. I was reading a newspaper at a pizza shop recently and there was an article about rape by the local feminist group. The article stressed me out so bad I had a flashback that actually cause me to suddenly run down the street and literally crawl into the bushes to hide in in sheer terror (yeah, fun!). Thanks feminist bitches.

    See, I wish people who have not been raped would shut the fuck up about rape. It is not a little jewel in your feminist crown – it is a violent crime and one that destroyed my life and has destroyed the lives of many others. Feminists who have never actually been raped (ie: many of the posters at Feministing, Jezebel or women’s studies majors) love to blog about rape and they think they are doing the world a huge favor by saying that rape is bad (of course they make sure to use the most graphic terms possible- they don’t give a shit if they are triggering actual rape survivors).

    What is funny to me is that feminists hate conservative women – and sorry to piss on your parade – but conservative women get raped too. And maybe conservative women don’t want to support your shitty liberal causes. Not all rape victims are feminists and feminists do not OWN the word rape, rape crisis or rape recovery but they sure as hell think they do. I posted here a while back and you all bitched at me about race. Guess what? I don’t give a shit about race, I am too busy trying to hold my life together after it was violated by a stranger. Rape victims are INDIVIDUALS, not feminist pawns and you people need to realize that not all rape victims are liberal feminists who want to support feminist causes.

    Rape (date, stranger, and marital) is a violent crime, not a feminist banner.

  19. Feminists exploit rape victims October 30, 2012 at 4:00 PM #

    RAPE IS A VIOLENT CRIME NOT A FEMINIST CAUSE.

    Many conservative women, men and others who want nothing to do with feminism are raped, and we do not appreciate having our tragedy exploited by feminists.

  20. EmilyBites October 30, 2012 at 5:50 PM #

    ‘Feminists exploit rape victims’ = angry dude, right? Right? I mean, come ON.

    ‘You guys, FEMINIST BITCHES…I mean, FEMINISTS, should just SHUT THE FUCK UP…I mean, stop talking about rape so much. JUST SHUT UP AND LET GUYS RAPE IN PEACE, OK???’ …is kind of the vibe zie is giving out.

    If there weren’t so much rape, maybe there wouldn’t be so much rape in the news, Ferv? I don’t think the fact that we talk about it is the problem. I kinda see the prevalence of rape as the problem. Even if we didn’t talk about it, I have to say…I think rape would still be a problem.

  21. CPB October 31, 2012 at 11:55 AM #

    @EmilyBites: My thoughts exactly. Clearly, FERV is a cantankerous misogynist troll who has decided to police feminist blogs in his quest for controlling ‘teh wimminz’ conversations while attempting to shame us into submission. Total asshole.

    I’m especially loving the constant allusion to CONSERVATIVE VS LIBERAL GRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!! As if every topic can be boiled down to the never ending war between dichotomous ideologies. So troll on, ferv, you have every right to continue embarrassing yourself.

  22. isme November 2, 2012 at 7:05 AM #

    I can sympathise with being triggered by constant talk of rape. However, people are talking about rape because it is a serious problem. Feminists in particular talk about rape because they tend to want the problem to be acknowledged and hopefully dealt with.

    Discussion of rape going away is not the same as rape going away. I’ve lost track of how many rape survivors I’ve read saying that they are glad others are saying that rape is a thing that happens, through no fault of the victims.

    Now, if some victims are being triggered by that I am sorry, I truly am. But how is not talking about the problem going to fix it.

    And, TBH, being able to ignore race and to wish others to do likewise is a luxury not everyone has.

    • gracemargaret November 4, 2012 at 2:22 AM #

      “I was reading a newspaper at a pizza shop recently and there was an article about rape by the local feminist group. ” Yeah, that sounds plausible.

      I can totally sympathize with people being triggered, but Republicans are the ones sayiing things like you can’t get pregnant from rape, or rape is God’s will, or good things can come out of rape. They’ve put it in the national discourse. If only actual rape victims would be listened to as much as the politicians who are the one’s truly exploiting it. If you are a victim and not a guy trying to exploit rape survivors’ trauma by telling feminists to shut up about it, I think you’re getting mad at the wrong people. How do you know that feminist women or women’s studies majors aren’t also survivors? Of course Conservative women can get raped, but the majority of people trying to change laws and the culture that enables sexual abuse are feminists.

      If we never had to talk about this subject I’d be the happiest person on the freakin’ planet. Unfortunately, in order to fix a problem you need to talk about it.

  23. lizor November 2, 2012 at 9:19 AM #

    Jackson Katz, based on his extensive work with abusive men, says that the absurdly vehement denial of responsibility exhibited men who abuse women is rooted in their feelings of guilt. What a surprise.

    So we can all comfort ourselves that ferv’s embarrassingly stupid and asinine comments are born out of his shitty feelings about himself.

    I know that doesn’t help much, but it was worth a try.

  24. lizor November 3, 2012 at 7:24 AM #

    Isme, your response is much more kind and patient than mine.

    The attack on feminists who try to counter the denial and excusing of rape, and the outrageous and hurtful assumption that those of us who do need to speak the truth about our experience of cultural support for rape have not actually been raped led me to assume that ferv is a troll.

    I supposed it’s possible that ferv is a deeply colonized rape survivor, which is tragic indeed. If this is the case, I hope ferv can find enough healing to at least perceive more accurately who is offering support and who is perpetrating the conditions that enable these acts of social terrorism.

  25. 00000 November 10, 2012 at 7:14 PM #

    Hey, what do you think of the statement that men are more logical therefor more intelligent?
    This really bugging me, and men seem to think that once they state this they somehow win the conversation hands down.

  26. Kristina November 11, 2012 at 9:53 AM #

    I would first like to applaud the author for their radical fight against the exploitation of women in all forms, especially with regard to the sexual exploitation of women whether it be through rape or pornography or any other form. In a culture where men and women alike often buy the lie that pornography and other forms of sex work is harmless and done of free will, it is refreshing that someone is so unabashedly willing to stand up for the truth. Anyone who has sought out the truth through hearing the stories of women (and even some men who have spoken out) who are/were in the sex industry in any form will soon realize that it is destructive to the mind, body, spirit of all individuals partaking–no matter what side of it one is on. 

    I would also like to say I am particularly sensitive to violence against women; rape is a horrible crime and violent act that must NEVER be tolerated. That all being said, when I read this line ‘You have to carry a fetus you don’t want to carry’ might even be called a form of rape” I was in utter shock. I tried to ignore it and continue reading the rest of the website posts but I just couldn’t get this out of my mind until I commented about it. 

    The pain and damage done to a woman who is forced into sex she does not want probably can not be understood fully except for those who have experienced it, and what a horrible situation to then concieve a child. The torrent of emotions MUST be overwhelming and my overflowing compassion reaches out to women in this situation.  But the answer is not to demonize a “fetus,” afterall you were once a “fetus,” latin for “offspring” as was every human person who walks the planet. In seeking the truth, we can not avoid the truth, and the truth of the matter is that sex creates life in both the best and worst of circumstances, and no different is that very beginning of life in the womb in either case. This is NOT rape, and as a feminist woman I find  it appalling that one would even equate carrying an innocent life to term with the violent act of rape. 

    The definition of life cannot be determined by whether it is wanted or not—that would be saying that biology (what we know to be true about life in the beginning stages) is determined by how it got here, which is not logical! If we are to be people of true integrity standing up for the dignity of all humanity, we must not bend definitions on any side—the definition of rape nor the definition of life. Afterall, a person conceived in rape is JUST as much a person worthy of dignity and respect as someone who was conceived in love. To hear the story of someone who actually was conceived in rape, you can go to the link below. Imagine how she would take reading that because she was born before abortion was legalized, thus her mother was “forced” to keep her, that her mother was “raped” again because she had her! As individuals and as a culture we can NOT fight violence with more violence; it just does not work.

     You are doing great work on your site in the fight for women, but I humbly ask you to think about this line. Best of luck to you in our joint fight to spread the message of human respect and dignity, and to help create a culture of non-exploitation. Your sister on the journey, Kristina   http://www.rebeccakiessling.com/index.html

  27. isme November 11, 2012 at 9:59 AM #

    That would be the point of that statement, yes.

    Now, whether is was decided to claim male superiority by claiming that men were more logical and logic is superior, or that logic is superior and that men were more logical is up for debate. Personally I hold to the latter, but that’s just me.

    As a general rule, any man who brings this up is going to win the conversation, at least according to the rules they’ve developed in order to ensure they always win.

  28. lizor November 13, 2012 at 7:40 AM #

    @ ooooo,

    If a person makes that statement then the burden of proof is on them. Ask for a clear definition of logic for starters, then insist that they supply specific evidence of greater logic in males. Make sure the person does not conflate emotional repression with rational thinking. Also have them address the expression of anger as an emotion and have them articulate how acts of violence related to anger cohere with logic.

    Of course, the whole premise that links logic with intelligence is a fallacy. It’s part and parcel of a western pyscho-social paradigm that is deeply intertwined with European colonialist/capitalist expansion which functionally enables and excuses exploitation.

    Coincidentally, I was just looking online at a book called Descartes’ Error: Emotion, Reason, and the Human Brain by Antonio Damasio, which may be of use to you.

    Kristina, with all due respect, when a woman’s body and reproductive capabilities are controlled by someone other than herself and when she can be forced to carry through an unwanted pregnancy, I do agree that this is comparable to rape. It is someone else using a woman’s body to meet their own ends and that is a deep violation. If the potential life of a human overrides a woman’s bodily sovereignty, that is a very specific statement about the value of women which does not coincide with my understanding of feminism.

  29. lizor November 13, 2012 at 7:43 AM #

    I’m not sure if my comment disappeared into the ether, so apologies if this is double post.

    @ ooooo,

    If a person makes that statement then the burden of proof is on them. Ask for a clear definition of logic for starters, then insist that they supply specific evidence of greater logic in males. Make sure the person does not conflate emotional repression with rational thinking. Also have them address the expression of anger as an emotion and have them articulate how acts of violence related to anger cohere with logic.

    Of course, the whole premise that links logic with intelligence is a fallacy. It’s part and parcel of a western pyscho-social paradigm that is deeply intertwined with European colonialist/capitalist expansion which functionally enables and excuses exploitation.

    Coincidentally, I was just looking online at a book called Descartes’ Error: Emotion, Reason, and the Human Brain by Antonio Damasio, which may be of use to you.

    Kristina, with all due respect, when a woman’s body and reproductive capabilities are controlled by someone other than herself and when she can be forced to carry through an unwanted pregnancy, I agree that this is comparable to rape. It is someone else using a woman’s body to meet their own ends and that is a deep violation. If the potential life of a human overrides a woman’s bodily sovereignty, that is a very specific statement about the value of women which does not coincide with my understanding of feminism.

  30. lizor November 13, 2012 at 2:50 PM #

    @ Kristina
    Please see this article and study: http://io9.com/5958187/what-happens-to-women-denied-abortions-this-is-the-first-scientific-study-to-find-out

  31. M.K. Hajdin November 14, 2012 at 12:53 AM #

    Well, I’m a little embarrassed at not finding this blog until now.

    Anyway, in response to this comment:

    “Jezebel’s weird. Sometimes they have incredibly insightful pro-woman pro-feminist stuff and sometimes they have clueless, borderline misogynistic articles. I guess they think that’s some sort of “balance”?”

    The insightful stuff, which may be written by actual feminists and probably is, is only included by the editors in order to draw women to the site by appealing to their intelligence and their anger at misogyny.

    Once they have our attention, they then try to slip the misogyny in, hoping we won’t notice, or that we’ll interpret it as ironic. They push the products of their advertisers, so you’ll see pieces defending makeup ‘n’ fashion ‘n’ ‘feminist’ porn, and touting the likes of Hefner.

    They aren’t clueless at all. They are making money by selling our attention to advertisers. They’re not on our side and they never were. You can’t trust any commercial site to really be on the side of women. That’s why I never read those sites or link to them, ever.

    • Silent Agony (@DiscordantFlesh) February 21, 2013 at 5:00 PM #

      Not to mention they employ Hugo Schwyzer who leeches off the gains of feminism to continue his misogynist ways. I have also often been harassed on that site for sharing FEMINIST opinions on a supposedly FEMINIST site. I hate how they have all these poorly written articles gushing about Beyonce and just popculture worship in general and whenever there is a feminist article its cross posted from a real feminist site. There is no critical analysis like liberal feminists usually say they are doing when they bring up celebrities there is even a section where they bring up the latest pop star award shows and make fun of how womens bodies look in different clothes like any “womens mag” ever. I am so sick such sites and am very happy to be now engaging in radical feminist dialogue which resonate deeper with what feminist means to me.

      • Sugarpuss February 22, 2013 at 3:54 PM #

        Oh gawd, Hugo Schwyzer – the perfect example of why I despise “male feminists”.

        Like all of them, he just uses the movement to get laid & paid.

  32. Pooh Huffy November 20, 2012 at 5:19 PM #

    Do you know that mechantechatonne is actually Francois Tremblay check out his page The Prime Directive.

  33. Fancy pants November 30, 2012 at 9:30 PM #

    I’ve considered joining twitter just to follow you.

    • Nine Deuce November 30, 2012 at 10:39 PM #

      Fight the urge! I don’t do much on Twitter. It’s just too boring.

  34. N December 7, 2012 at 10:26 AM #

    This is making me think. I used (to think) that I was suicidal when I was in my teens, but now I feel I’m realizing, I don’t really want to die, I just wished I had never been born. Of course both of those are terrible things to say or feel, but honestly, considering the world we live in, it seems like a rational thing.

    I don’t know. I don’t know how I was conceived. I think a lot of women get married and have children because that is what they are brainwashed into believing will make them happy. Now that I know what that is–a steaming pile of bullshit– I don’t think I will. I don’t want to have a baby. I want to save all the babies and children already in the world first. I want to help other women.

    I think women are used, and their bodies are used to produce more bodies to serve–who? What? But I don’t think I’m a tool. I’m a person. and well, if I have to be a tool, I’m not going to be a tool for men. or white people. or rich people. and especially not rich white men.

    I know for women, especially queer women and non-white women, it takes so much to survive. it takes all our energy just to get by, day by day. that’s why we need to find something to live for. If we do, we can do more than just survive, we can live. That’s important.

  35. N December 7, 2012 at 10:34 AM #

    I think the point of my first comment above is: NOT WANTING TO LIVE and WISHING YOU HAD NEVER BEEN BORN is DIFFERENT from WANTING TO DIE.

  36. gracemargaret December 7, 2012 at 4:11 PM #

    And when I’m lying in my bed

    I think about life

    And I think about death

    And neither one particularly appeals to me

    ‘Nowhere Fast’ by The Smiths

    In honor of the students murdered in the Montreal Massacre, this link:

    http://freethoughtblogs.com/pharyngula/2012/12/06/a-metaobservation-on-misogyny/

    These bloggers give me some hope for the human race. Some of the commenters, not so much.

  37. Nine Deuce December 7, 2012 at 9:41 PM #

    Men have managed to make the world such an awful place to be female that I suspect you have a lot of company in feeling that way, N.

  38. N December 9, 2012 at 9:22 AM #

    yeah. my father was abusive. I know for a fact that if I didn’t exist my mother’s life would have been at least a little bit better, or she would have suffered a little bit less. She could have left. She stayed because of her children. he suffered too, I know since he would tell his sob story over and over to us, then continue to do what he did as if it functioned as some sort of excuse or justification. I probably sounded a little bit over-dramatic there, pretty sure I’m not going to be able to save every child and woman in the world, but whatever. when aiming for something might as well aim high, or else why aim at all? its all or nothing. I don’t think we can settle for less. besides, I know from experience where compromise gets you, exactly fucking nowhere.

  39. sneekybunny January 7, 2013 at 3:30 PM #

    Thank you isme, I stand corrected as to your gender. And thank you lizor. I hope for a better 2013 as well. You’re right, once Sugarpuss get a bee in her bonnet it’s hard to have a rational discussion with her. But her passion is amazing and valuable I think.
    By the way, as some one who also does a lot of thrift shopping as well, I wondered if you’d seen that video by Macklemore? I love because they filmed it in a lot of the places I’ve shopped and it’s pretty funny. Sugarpuss might like it too, since the word fuck is used exstensively through out. ;)

  40. Sugarpuss January 7, 2013 at 4:49 PM #

    sneeky bunny said:

    You’re right, once Sugarpuss get a bee in her bonnet it’s hard to have a rational discussion with her.

    This is bullshit. What do you know of “rationale”? How is it rational to get sexual gratification from physical abuse? Say what you will about me….but I make a lot more sense than you. At least I’m not kissing men’s asses in RL.

  41. Anonchick April 12, 2013 at 4:02 PM #

    After reading this article I just realized that my boyfriend has used this strategy on me…

  42. JJ August 3, 2013 at 8:25 PM #

    This is great. Thank you, Nine Deuce.

  43. LA Baby October 11, 2013 at 1:41 AM #

    Someone pulled a “just the tip” on me when I was a young, naive 18 years old. He was rubbing his dickhead on the exterior of my genitals up & down. I kept repeating, “Stop, I am not having sex with you.” He kept saying he would stay on the outside. He then shoved his largish dick, hard into my tiny pussy. I immediately shouted “get the FUCK off me!” & pushed him up. I put pants on & left immediately. I was already partially dressed while the “just the tip” was happening. As I was putting pants & shoes on & leaving he was mumbling something about me overreacting & basically acted like I was just another hysterical female! I remember telling him he was a fucking asshole & getting the hell out of there but that’s about it. I am sure I will be viewed as a “slut” for having had this experience, but I pretty much have written off all of this mancentric, sociopathic raper society so let them call me a slut. People have called me a slut for much less, even for wearing a tube top in the tube top-infested 90s, so oh well. According to rapists, I’m a slut for having been raped!

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. US Politics and Rape Culture Fatigue « The Fivefold Path - October 9, 2012

    [...] Nine Deuce reappears with shit that hits the nail on the head: [...] I, like Lissa Harris, don’t see a huge difference between the way the world works today and the way Ryan Aiken would like it to operate, at least with regard to the prosecution of sexual assault. I suppose my lack of rage at reading and listening to arrogant, presumptuous quotes from smug phallocrats who are at best indifferent to the effect rape has on the individual woman or girl and on women and girls as a whole might be a symptom of rape fatigue, but I suspect I’ve been suffering from it for far longer than a few months, and that it has something to do with the paucity of posts around here. If the Kübler-Ross model is correct, then I suppose I’ve passed through the denial and anger phases and entered the acceptance phase in grieving the loss of the idea that men give a shit about women. [...]

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