Super Bowl Sunday: Blue 32! (The Live Blog)

7 Feb

I’m at Kendall McK‘s to live-blog the Super Bowl. Keep your eye on this post for updates throughout the game (or at least throughout the first half, as I can’t promise we’ll be able to handle any more than that). For now, check out the other posts in my Super Bowl feature, all of which are now up, and feel free to chime in with your thoughts on America’s sport. All I can say is, I can’t wait for the Bud Bowl! Oh, they aren’t doing that anymore? Fuck.

  • Nine Deuce:  It’s 6:22. Queen Latifah sang a squidly-bop song about how much she loves America at the kick-off show, but apparently they can’t let a black woman actually do the national anthem, so they’ve brought out Carrie Underwood to sing the real song, whoever the fuck she is. Oh, and her last note was flat as fuck. I do appreciate the fighter jet fly-over, though. I might have forgotten about the troops for a few minutes.
  • Kendall, 6:31: An announcer just said, “Bad weather brings talent closer together.”  No joke necessary.
  • ND, 6:32: I’m really into Jeremy Shockey. He looks like a 50-year-old wigger headbanger.
  • ND, 6:40: What is it with people who talk about football over-using the word “football” when “game” or “ball” or simply nothing would suffice? Like, “Are you ready for some football?” or “He got ahold of the football and ran that sucker all the way to the end zone” or “If he isn’t going to play football, he needs to get off the football field” or “He fumbled the football but then the other guy picked up the football.”
  • ND, 6:44: And here we go with the Tim Tebow Focus on the Family spots. I know! Let’s come up with reasons Tim Tebow should have been aborted. #1 – If he’d been aborted, I wouldn’t have to watch sneaky, manipulative TV commercials about how my bodily sovereignty matters less than the fact that a fetus might grow up to be some Jesus-pushing dick who happens to be able to run fast while holding a ball. Wait, that pretty much sums the whole thing up.
  • Kendall, 6:47: OMG, Super Bowl Shuffle blasphemy! Fuck you, Boost Mobile.
  • Kendall, 6:54: Wait, was that a commercial featuring a small child of color defending both his single mother AND his bowl of Doritos from a would-be suitor?  Did he really just say”Keep yo’ hands off my mama and my Doritos?”  Oh, man,  Oh… I just… oh my god.  Oh, man.  Wow.  Man oh man.
  • Kendall, 7:05:  ND’s going on a beer run.  Honestly, I think she just needed a break from football.
  • Kendall, 7:06: OK, so exactly how many Doritos commercials can we expect here?
  • Kendall, 7:08: I’m not going to hate on any ad that has a beaver playing the fiddle.  ND and I also agreed that anything featuring The Simpsons is chills.
  • Kendall, 7:09:
  • So, uh, were they implying that somebody fucked that whale? Super hip marketing genius video description on the YouTube page:  Three young men are on an adrenaline-packed drive toward the coast. Nothing too unusual about it, unless you consider having a live killer whale as the fourth passenger unusual. Yes, that’s right a killer whale, in the car with them. Hard to say where they’re going. Harder still to say where they’ve been. But this fish-out-of-water story is sure to end with a splash.
  • Kendall, 7:15: There are a lot of things I don’t understand about football, but the mystery I’m itching to solve most is how they get those electronic laser graphics things to show up on the field.
  • Kendall, 7:22: The Stripes song!  Commence ND feminist beatdown for liking that movie.
  • ND, 7:24: Thank Christ for Mark Sanchez and the fact that he cares about me and other women (especially if we’re into football, winky winky)! I would never have had the inkling that I ought to give a shit about preventing a heart attack if some stupid jock hadn’t bothered to remind me.
  • Kendall, 7:28: Dockers’s “Wear the Pants” commercial makes ND and I roll our eyes at each other like seasoned San Francisco consciousness-raising speculum-circle lesbians.
  • ND, 7:31: Yeah, wear the pants, because people who don’t wear Dockers are fucking losers and queers. I mean, they probably aren’t even in management.
  • ND, 7:35: If you’re ready to move beyond Axe because you’ve got a female baby and shit, Unilever also makes Dove for men. It goes really well with Dockers.
  • ND, 7:43: Man’s last stand, Dodge? It must suck to be a dude. In order to be in charge of every government on Earth, control 90+% of the world’s private property, treat women like extras in your own private mental Michael Douglas movie, and have a wife at home that basically does everything for you while giving you the credit, you have to, like, carry chapstick and put your underwear in the hamper. Good thing Dodge came through with an absurd looking car that gets maybe 8 miles to the gallon, the buying of which will allow you to remind that bitch that even though you make tiny nods in acknowledgment of the orca-sized (see how I brought it back around, there?) debt you owe her, she still ain’t in charge of shit.
  • Kendall, 7:43: Dodge, the car for men who are worried about their penises.
  • Kendall, 7:52: Let’s have an estimate on the percentage of ads selling the oh-so-enlightened “don’t be a woman” message.
  • ND, 7:56: It’s half time. Time to listen to a bunch of guys with NFL accents speak some language that only people with margarita machines can understand. The Who? Remixed with will.i.am? That parting shot was dope: images of people dying in Haiti coming out of will.i.am’s killer new cell phone.
  • Kendall, 7:59: And that was the first time in that entire montage in which they showed anyone who wasn’t white.
  • ND, 7:59: Yeah, because the first 9/10 of the commercial were for old people, who can’t be asked to acknowledge that black people exist, whereas the last bit was for us young people, who can deal with black people provided that they’re starving or providing us with entertainment.
  • Kendall, 8:00: Heh heh, that guy is playing with balls.
  • ND, 8:04: Man, these commentators are pumped.
  • ND, 8:07: I’m pretty sure this Who half-time show is even going to embarrass my parents.
  • ND, 8:22: That was the most underwhelming half-time show I’ve ever seen. Seriously, bring back the Bud Bowl.
  • Kendall, 8:43: Michelob Ultra? Really, Lance Armstrong? Chevy Chase looks old as fuck.
  • Kendall, 8:49: Can we talk about the fact that these guys are basically just wearing gold lame capri leggings and leg warmers?
  • ND, 8:52: The only thing keeping me in the game at this point is Garrett Hartley’s hair.
  • Kendall and ND, 9:03: We’re not Indian, but we’re both pretty sure that Metro PCS commercial was racist.
  • Kendall and ND, 9:53: We like Scott Fujita. Also, we’re glad the Saints won. I mean, as glad as people who don’t give a fuck about football can be.
  • ND, 9:57: These commentators all have beads on. Who did they show their tits to?

Alright, this is way too boring. Barring something crazy happening, I think we’re going to have to throw in the towel. I’ll see everyone tomorrow with my post-game analysis.

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19 Responses to “Super Bowl Sunday: Blue 32! (The Live Blog)”

  1. Maria February 8, 2010 at 6:56 AM #

    Reading this made me feel better about enduring the entire game tonight, so thank you! What awful commercials…bleh. The pro-life one, ultra lame. The dove soap? Much much worse, in this child-free person’s opinion.

  2. Ren February 8, 2010 at 9:31 AM #

    I’m sure this shocks you to no end….I love football.

    • Nine Deuce February 8, 2010 at 9:53 AM #

      Did you read Davetavius’s post?

  3. Ren February 8, 2010 at 3:41 PM #

    working around to reading it…snow to shovel first.

  4. Ren February 8, 2010 at 4:09 PM #

    Okay- Just read it.

    One- The man has a gift and that is really well thought out and well written.

    Two- Even as one of those annoying backwoods Super Fans…he has some really valid points. I hate commericals in football. Most of them I find to be stupid and sexist (there is the occasional gem). I actually want to watch the game, and tend to get up to get soda or do laundry or whatnot when commericals are on because I hate them and there are too many of them. Having cheerleaders is useless in pro ball (I am less against it for college/highschool- as I think athletics of any sort for women are good-never was a cheerleader myself but I can respect the dance/gymnastics ability of those who do it). Also, his look into why football is so important to so many people is interesting. I know I get stupidly into How Well My Team is Doing and How Well My Favorite Players are doing…it really is a little silly…I mean, I’m not out there playing, why should I care so much? But I do. And being a fan of a team…

    Well, there is a sense of community there. As a socially awkward sort, I am always thrilled when I go somewhere and I see a person in an NFL jersey because it means- thank god- I will have something to talk about with that person-someone to talk to. I also know that college sports/pro sports, esp. things like NFL, NBA, Pro Hockey, and MLB…well, they can raise up the spirits of entire towns, and you know, I do not think that is a bad thing really. In places especially where things are really rough- depressed economy, things of that nature-winning a big game can mean a lot to the citizens of that place and be something uplifting in an otherwise dreary place. I don’t know for certain (and perhaps someone From There can enlighten me) but I get the impression that many European and South American folk feel the same way about their futbol as USAians feel about ours.

    I just know I love the game…and I do actually know a lot about it…(which, ah yes, there are certain assumptions many-a-asshole dudes make about women knowing anything about sports), then again, I shot ya an email with some links re:football, and there within there is some proof of the “loving and knowing” the game sort of stuff…as well as some critique of the culture that not so much surrounds it- but arises within the sport itself.

    • Nine Deuce February 9, 2010 at 7:39 AM #

      Football might work to lift up people’s spirits in tough times, but doesn’t that then make it an opiate of the masses to take their attention away from the fact that they’re being exploited by the modern capitalist system?

  5. Imaginary February 9, 2010 at 4:25 AM #

    Regarding the “Man’s Last Stand”, what do us womin get when we do all those things? Next time, I hope they put out a commercial like that.

    Oh, and I’ve never known a guy who was obsessed with cars who wasn’t a dick.

  6. Ren February 9, 2010 at 8:26 AM #

    ND: Very possible. As do many other things, from the old standby of religion, to television in general, so on, so forth. I also think the reasons people enjoy things like pro-sports are, well, pretty diverse- from the bonding in the bar types of fans to those who really, really admire the skill of the people playing and how the game works. However, I guess I sort of look at like this: People deserve some happiness and joy in their lives. Even if it is something a simple as cheering for their team. If it puts them in a better place, gives them a reason to grin or be happy to get out of bed in the morning…well then, I think they deserve it.

  7. isme February 9, 2010 at 9:26 AM #

    “Football might work to lift up people’s spirits in tough times, but doesn’t that then make it an opiate of the masses to take their attention away from the fact that they’re being exploited by the modern capitalist system?”

    It is, true (I’d also say it takes attention from any number of other things)…but then the same is true of any entertainment or leisure activity whatsoever, to a greater or lesser extent. Where it not for sport, it seems likely something currently smaller would expand to fill its place.

    • Nine Deuce February 9, 2010 at 9:41 AM #

      Maybe, but maybe that thing wouldn’t encourage jingoism and blind loyalty to something meaningless that serves as a training ground for nationalism and docility in the workplace.

  8. isme February 9, 2010 at 1:22 PM #

    “Maybe, but maybe that thing wouldn’t encourage jingoism and blind loyalty to something meaningless that serves as a training ground for nationalism and docility in the workplace.”

    Possibly…I may just being being cynical, though, but I wonder if that isn’t exactly why it is popular.

  9. kendallmck February 9, 2010 at 6:26 PM #

    The thing that annoys me the most about this whole deal is that football, like other useless “traditionally male” hobbies, are celebrated and glorified as a important and meaningful national pastimes that everyone and their mom should give two shits about…meanwhile “traditionally female” hobbies are still seen as childlike, silly, and unimportant.

    I can’t even come up with a comparable lady hobby/event to make my point, which is kind of indicative of the problem. Some would probably say The Oscars, which is interesting because, uh, women don’t win a whole lot of those.

  10. Rachael February 10, 2010 at 5:10 AM #

    Great. Next year I can take one step past those who watch the Super Bowl “for the commercials” and say, “I watch it for Nine Deuce and KendalMcK’s commentary.”

    I wonder how successful Unilever’s attempt to sell something with a name like “Dove” to the same dudes who pump their fists in the air while stuffing their faces with Doritos and beer will be.

  11. Jillicious February 10, 2010 at 8:24 AM #

    Am I the only one who noticed CBS got The Who to play for half-time, when it’s The Who’s songs that are the theme songs for like 1287 CSI shows on CBS? Hearing those songs reminds us to watch these shows on CBS…pretty slick. Kind of like getting some subliminal advertising in for kinda-free.

  12. Argive February 11, 2010 at 5:25 PM #

    Jillicious-

    Yeah, I kept expecting CBS to pull some dumb stunt to remind us all about CSI Miami or something. Like, for instance, Townshend goes nuts and throws his guitar into the crowd, followed by David Caruso walking up on stage:

    [Hands guitar back] “Well. Looks like somebody [puts on sunglasses] had an axe to grind.”

  13. Evo March 17, 2010 at 3:03 PM #

    I have always loved reading your blog, ND, but I have to say I was surprised and disappointed to see you using the term “wigger” in this entry. Also the “guido” thing in the Jersey Shore post made me uncomfortable, being part Sicilian myself. The argument appears to be that the word no longer means what it once did, but, the history is undeniable. Not trying to be a asshole, or make you feel like one. I’ve gone back and forth as to whether or not to mention it here and decided it was worth it since I have really enjoyed your work since you started this blog.

    • Nine Deuce March 17, 2010 at 6:25 PM #

      Evo – I’ve thought about that a lot. I apologized about being sloppy on the Jersey Shore thing, but I feel kind of conflicted about the wigger thing. I know what it’s a contraction of, but I don’t think that’s how it’s thought of, and it’s not what I think of. I am just kind of fascinated by people who idolize and try to emulate absurd stereotypes tied to race, and I can’t figure out another word for wigger.

  14. Evo March 17, 2010 at 6:59 PM #

    I can see the quandary. “White-dude-doing-a-really-fucked-up-impression-of-absurd-racial-stereotypes,” or “white-dude-trying-to-appropriate-absurd-stereotypes” doesn’t have quite the same ring. I get that. I just can’t hear or read that word without cringing . I think the solution may be to find a term that clearly indicates the offender’s level of ridiculousness. Maybe something like “absurd-stereotype-appropriator”? Not exactly catchy, either. I think this is a good conversation to have, because I believe that there needs to be a term for this that is not a derivative of that awful word. I am just not sure what the best alternative would be. “Dork-ass honky,” for lack of a better term, in the interim, I like :)

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Feminist who knows nothing about Super Bowl live blogs Super Bowl. « Eat.Sleep.Fuck.Destroy. - February 7, 2010

    [...] because neither one of us know anything about football.  The action’s happening on her blog here, but I’ll cross-post [...]

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