Burger King to Customers: Eat a Dick

9 Dec

This is so unbelievable that I had to take a break from my blogging hiatus to comment on it.

Not that you need one, but here’s another reason not to eat at Burger King:

What in the hell is this ad even trying to say? Our hamburger is so awesome you’ll want to fellate it? Our hamburger is so big you’ll feel like your wang is inadequate by comparison? Our new Whopper is so big that chicks — even though their first instinct might be to fellate it (I mean, it is really awesome) — will be terrified of its girth once they approach it to do the fellating?

This ad is so fucking stupid that I almost can’t believe it. First of all, there’s absolutely no way to forge a connection between Whoppers and fellatio without jumping through about six tired, adolescent, Judd Apatow-esque mental hoops. Second, because that connection is impossible to make via sane means, the ad guys have had to resort to the advertising equivalent of a baseball bat to the crotch to get their point across. You’ve got a woman about to blow a cheeseburger, an absurd amount of mayo/semen, and two completely idiotic dick-related puns, all in one blisteringly dumb ad. And finally, the goddamn cliche in the ad copy isn’t even correct! It’s “it’ll blow your mind” not “it’ll blow your mind away,” assholes.

Imagine the meeting at which the creative team at the ad agency came up with this bit of marketorial genius.

Ad guy Dave: It’s a seven-inch burger.

Ad guy Todd: That’s almost as big as my dick, bro.

Ad guy Dave: Yeah, right, motherfucker. But whoa, we should totally call it the seven-incher. And then we could make all kinds of dick jokes!

Ad guy Todd: Yeah!

Ad guy Dave: But who wants to be told to eat a dick?

Ad guy Todd: Uh… whatever. It’ll be funny. We’ll show a chick about to blow the burger.

Ad guy Dave: Won’t that offend female customers?

Ad guy Todd: Dude, haven’t you seen that Durex ad? Chicks are too stupid to notice they’re being insulted. Besides, chicks only eat salad. We’re selling this burger to men, and men like the idea of eating something related to blowjobs.

Ad guy Dave: So we’re saying to men that this burger is like a big dick, and chicks want to suck it, so men should eat it? That sounds kinda weird, dude.

Ad guy Todd: You’re over thinking this, bro. We’re just relating big dicks, burgers, and blowjobs. People [and by "people" I mean "men"] like dick jokes, they like blowjob puns, they like burgers, they like porn. It’ll work, trust me.

Ad guy Dave: You’re the genius. I’m out of here. Dane Cook’s doing a show tonight at the sports arena. I got loge tickets for only $100!

Ad guy Todd: Bonus!

I mean, really. I’m surprised it doesn’t say anything about them putting their meat in our mouths. If I were you — even if you’re a dude — I’d take this as Burger King giving me the finger and calling me a retard.

Burger King has clearly decided to give up on selling anything to women or anyone with a brain and to bet the wad (ha, get it? I should work for their ad department) on the 13-35 porn-saturated idiot male demographic — the 4chan set, if you will.  And what do those assholes love more than burgers and the idea of seeing women penetrated by objects large enough to cause them pain? The woman pictured in the ad looks, quite frankly, like she’s terrified of what’s about to happen to her, and I have a hard time believing that was an accident, first because this ad is only slightly less subtle than having someone throw a burger at your face while yelling, “Suck my dick!” and second because… well, because these days the entire male target demographic is wanking to images of giant dongs and frightened women every other day or so.

Here we have a fairly crystalline distillation of what’s wrong with American culture. We’ve found the most corrupt, revolting, violent, unnatural, and unsatisfying ways possible to sate each of our separate natural biological desires, and now we’ve blundered onto a way to incorporate two of them into one big, stupid, disgusting experience. Combine shitty, chemical-laden “food” with nearly no nutritional value with empty, insulting, dehumanizing facsimiles of sex and you have the zenith of American capitalism, my dear readers.

Pretty soon you’re going to read a news story about some guy choking to death on a nine-patty burger while masturbating to video of a woman fucking a dog because his 64-ounce Mountain Dew Baja Blast was too far away from the toilet for him to reach it without upturning his laptop. I promise.

* Word up to the Esquire for the photo.

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58 Responses to “Burger King to Customers: Eat a Dick”

  1. B December 9, 2009 at 6:50 PM #

    I love your mass media analysis, 92. I knew there was something off about this ad – thanks for spelling it out so clearly!

  2. peacemelody December 9, 2009 at 7:16 PM #

    I literally cannot stop cringing. This shouldn’t surprise or shock me, but somehow it still manages to. (I have too much faith in humanity?) I hate to admit it; I totally ate at Burger King just a few days ago. It’s horrible, but I’m the kinda girl who hates salads and loves burgers. Ugh! Flame-grilled whoppers, I’m gonna miss ‘em. Maybe it is about time I go vegetarian though…and this is just the kind of motivation I need! :P

    And, awesomely enough, my brother works at Burger King! Gah, and he’ll be supporting (?) his new wife with money from these fuck-asses! Makes me soo sad.
    Even sadder still to think that plenty of chicks will find this ad funny and harmless…I used to be one of them. So what do we DO about this kind of shit?! Protesting, writing letters? I’m getting more cynical by the day. Even my intelligent, mostly open-minded bf thinks feminism is horribly limited and limiting and that I flip out about stuff too much. And the girls I knew/know are even worse!

    BTW, I’ve been reading your blog for almost a year now, and you are absolutely brilliant and hilarious. (And I’m really really hoping you will write an entire post on how much (most?) anime sucks, cuz it’s driving me fucking nuts lately!) :)

    • Nine Deuce December 9, 2009 at 7:25 PM #

      Thanks! I’ll put anime on my list.

  3. maria December 9, 2009 at 8:36 PM #

    Love your blog, you rock! I’d love if you posted more often, though.

    • Nine Deuce December 9, 2009 at 8:39 PM #

      Thanks! I’d also love it if I posted more often, but I have too much homework.

  4. Daezy December 9, 2009 at 9:39 PM #

    http://www.cracked.com/article/229_12-sexy-ads-that-will-give-you-nightmares/

    Cracked.com had 12 more of these in a post yesterday. It’s just sickening because I mean…who was sitting in their corner office or at a conference meeting and said, “Yeah this will definitely increase our market share. Let’s do this.”

    W.T.F?

    How do ads like this even get approved in the first place and they don’t see anything wrong?

  5. phio December 10, 2009 at 12:47 AM #

    The woman in the ad looks like a blow-up doll, too, the way she’s got her mouth and the kind of rigid expression on her face. So, another ‘pun’ on “blow.”
    That Cracked.com page is scary. I used to read that mag when I was a kid, guess it is not for children any more!

  6. VegAnne December 10, 2009 at 8:40 AM #

    I think they meant “blow you away”. A blow job has to be violent now (as well as icky). They aren’t talking about the act of fellatio when they add “away”. They’re talking about shoving, forcing, hurt, pain, violence.

  7. polly December 10, 2009 at 10:11 PM #

    Ad guy Dave: But who wants to be told to eat a dick?

    Dave speaks sooth. I shall stick to being a vegetarian.

  8. Andrew December 10, 2009 at 10:30 PM #

    I bet the scene in the boardroom was more like an outside consulting firm that had previously hired an artist who drew up 20 or 25 of these things, women in various states of awe at the burger, ran them by test groups of varying demographics and reported the results, all compared with various other ad campaigns they were thinking of implementing. They probably have a one with a dude they are running in gay neighborhoods or on Bravo or something…Even dick jokes in the corporate world can’t be as “organic” as wed like them to.

    The hard part is that there isn’t much one can do about it. It’s free advertising, anyone that could conceive of eating at BK is going to be hungry for it, even after they write their protest letter.

    On a side note, there is ways the government can regulate commercial speech. Maybe Congress should get these angry letters instead of BK.

  9. Taybeh Chaser December 10, 2009 at 11:53 PM #

    “Combine shitty, chemical-laden “food” with nearly no nutritional value with empty, insulting, dehumanizing facsimiles of sex and you have the zenith of American capitalism, my dear readers.”

    The above is brilliant and sadly accurate. And your toilet-dude-dogporn-burger death scenario seems disturbingly plausible.

    I had trouble at first believing this ad is real and not some sort of satire. I was thinking/hoping one of the comments would reveal it as a photoshop making fun of Burger King. I don’t know how I came by such high expectations of corporate dicksores (an especially apt term for these fine folks).

    It’s a good thing I ate already today and it wasn’t Burger King. I wonder, do they really want people looking at their secret sauce or whatever it is and thinking of jizz?

  10. Undercover Punk December 11, 2009 at 12:31 AM #

    What in the hell is this ad even trying to say? Our hamburger is so awesome you’ll want to fellate it? Our hamburger is so big you’ll feel like your wang is inadequate by comparison? Our new Whopper is so big that chicks — even though their first instinct might be to fellate it (I mean, it is really awesome) — will be terrified of its girth once they approach it to do the fellating?

    Seriously. That’s my favorite part.

  11. pisaquari December 11, 2009 at 12:58 AM #

    At some point that gal’s gonna BITE DOWN on that seven incher.

  12. polly December 11, 2009 at 10:13 AM #

    They probably have a one with a dude they are running in gay neighborhoods

    Where are these gay neighbourhoods Andrew? I mean there are more lesbians/gays round here than the average, but it’s not a gay neighbourhood.

    • Nine Deuce December 11, 2009 at 4:15 PM #

      There’s a gay neighborhood down the street from me, Polly. It only has sex with other gay neighborhoods.

      Andrew – The Castro is a pretty unique place, and even it isn’t a “gay neighborhood” if that means “homosexuals only.” Where are you from? The “gay neighborhoods” in CA are not really gay neighborhoods, what with the general yuppie straight stroller invasion in almost all of them. Also, even if they were, I guarantee you this ad does not come in a “gay version.”

  13. Embee December 11, 2009 at 4:18 PM #

    Burger King also has an online ad whereby the viewer can tell a girl who is dancing in a shower what bikini she should wear while doing so.

    http://www.burgerking.co.uk/showercam

    There are no words.

  14. buggle December 11, 2009 at 7:01 PM #

    LOL at “eat a dick.” That’s exactly what I thought when I saw the ad!!!

  15. peacemelody December 11, 2009 at 7:01 PM #

    Holy hell. And you can win a date with this “shower babe”? Just when I thought I couldn’t hate BK anymore than I do. Has McDonalds or Taco Bell ever been this fucking stupid, I wonder?

    Actually, I don’t want to know about Taco Bell. I love their Fresco menu far too much. :(

    • Nine Deuce December 11, 2009 at 10:50 PM #

      McDonald’s is more likely to go for racism than overt misogyny. Have you seen this 365Black and Inspirasian shit? It’s almost unbelievable.

  16. Taybeh Chaser December 11, 2009 at 7:13 PM #

    Because we always wear bikinis in the shower, right?

    It’s one of those irrational female things.

  17. Imaginary December 11, 2009 at 8:26 PM #

    …. what? I’m actually unnerved on a persunal level. The girl in the ad looks a lot like me. I don’t want to suck a dick! MWHAAA!

  18. polly December 12, 2009 at 7:59 PM #

    Dear dawg I already had Joey Ramone on loud, so thankfully missed the ‘singing’ on that ad. But FFS Burker King. I have to enter my birthdate to prove I’m over 18? Are you assuming that all under 18’s are so innumerate they will be unable to lie? For the worlds first ‘guilt free’ (ie: not breaking the sexual offences act) showercam? And who showers in a bikini anyway, outside of “I’m a celebrity get me out of here”?

  19. Andrew December 13, 2009 at 12:33 AM #

    I don’t know why “gay neighborhood” would have to mean “only homosexual”. If one couple adopted a baby it would throw the whole thing off. I’m going to assume that it’s pretty obvious some neighborhoods have a lot more gays in them than others, and thus marketing to that demographic would not be absurd. The Castro, West Hollywood, I think Dupont Square in D.C. has the same reputation.

    If you’d actually like to know there’s even a website. http://www.gayneighborhoods.com/index.php

    To get back on point, I agree whole heartedly with this post. The reason I made the allusion to the gay neighborhoods is because I actually wonder where the machine stops. To me, the question seems to be in corporate America, “If sex sells, what can we sexualize and how fast in order to sell our product?” The post regarding Halloween costumes makes it clear that children are not off limits, or even animals.

    I’m also curious, in an ideal world, what would the remedy be? Would it be more female owned & controlled fast food restaurants, or would they succumb to the capitalist urge that has taken them over as well? Would it be messages that counter what is being sold, like ads featuring the silliness of men being featured in the picture, or women walking out of a BK in disgust? Is BK even the problem, that is, are they furthering sexism or just taking advantage of what is already prevalent in society? Does it start with going deeper, like eradicating porn that fuels these attitudes, or is more corporate responsibility enough? Would corporate America want to acknowledge the soft power influence it holds?

    Just some questions, I don’t know, but I think it’s a really interesting question.

    • Nine Deuce December 13, 2009 at 12:35 AM #

      I’m pretty sure that both porn and fast food would cease to exist in an ideal world, which I basically said in the post (that bit about the zenith of capitalism). Ideal worlds and remedies aren’t the same thing. I think the remedy is to point this shit out to people and hope attitudes change enough to cause Burger King and the porn industry to go out of business.

      Burger King is to blame for feeding us crap, for furthering already prevalent misogyny, and for a lot of other things. The point is they’re a big corporation that does whatever they have to to make money, even if that means shepherding us toward our own doom.

  20. Andrew December 13, 2009 at 10:13 AM #

    It is a little disturbing to see these interests (porn and shitty food) combine so seamlessly and without must effort. It’s even somewhat Orwellian to think of these restaurants seducing adults with Tera Patrick in one side of the room and children with some popular Disney character in the other.

    I guess Orwell’s mistake was assuming that government would be the one doing the double-speak instead of multi-national corporations. Or maybe he was right, as the two are indistinguishable for the most part.

  21. polly December 14, 2009 at 9:13 PM #

    I guess Orwell’s mistake was assuming that government would be the one doing the double-speak instead of multi-national corporations. Or maybe he was right, as the two are indistinguishable for the most part.

    Hold the front page! I think you’re absolutely spot on Andrew.

  22. Roxie December 15, 2009 at 8:48 AM #

    I guess women don’t/aren’t expected to eat at Burger King.
    Cause that ad is telling me they don’t want my business.

  23. polly December 15, 2009 at 8:06 PM #

    No Roxie, women eat salads. They must keep themselves gorgeous for the real men.

  24. isme December 16, 2009 at 4:36 PM #

    @Polly…Jay-zus.

    “There’s a gay neighborhood down the street from me, Polly. It only has sex with other gay neighborhoods.”

    LOL…as in actually laughing out loud, not just sort of smiling and writing “lol”.

  25. polly December 16, 2009 at 7:59 PM #

    I’ve just invented the word fauxronic (unless anyone beat me to it). It is meant to describe ads of the type above, which are deeply sexist, yet hide beneath a veneer of “Oooh aren’t we being ironic and knowing about promoting macho attitudes, and isn’t it amusing”.

    No just shite and unfunny actually. And sexist.

  26. Taybeh Chaser December 17, 2009 at 12:05 AM #

    “Fauxronic”. Excellent. Someone needed to make up a word for that :).

  27. Rachael December 17, 2009 at 3:46 AM #

    I hate that ad. I also hate the fact that they’re obviously trying to play into the “dumb blonde” stereotype. She’s got this “Jeepers! What is that thing?” look on her face, which may have something to do with ND’s point about them thinking that women are too stupid to know when they’re being objectified.

    Put that together with the video polly posted, and it becomes obvious that Burger King doesn’t mind alienating half of the human population.

  28. isme December 17, 2009 at 11:17 AM #

    “Put that together with the video polly posted, and it becomes obvious that Burger King doesn’t mind alienating half of the human population.”

    Well, that or they know that most people won’t be alienated by it. If feminism had the support of everyone, or even most, female, it’d be much more of a force in society.

    “I’ve just invented the word fauxronic (unless anyone beat me to it). It is meant to describe ads of the type above, which are deeply sexist, yet hide beneath a veneer of “Oooh aren’t we being ironic and knowing about promoting macho attitudes, and isn’t it amusing”.”

    Would that include things/people that actually do understand the issues involved in what they are doing, but drift into revelling in it instead of discussing it? That REALLY annoys me.

  29. polly styrene December 18, 2009 at 8:58 PM #

    Actually it turns out (thankyou google) I didn’t invent it at all. But it’s still a good word.

  30. polly styrene December 18, 2009 at 9:14 PM #

    Yorkie Bars (it’s a type of chunky chocolate bar) over here started a ‘Yorkie, it’s not for girls’ campaign. Despite the fact I loved the raisin and biscuit ones, I never ate another Yorkie in protest…..

  31. Nine Deuce December 18, 2009 at 9:26 PM #

    I say you invented it. I like it.

  32. AntiPorn Activist December 19, 2009 at 5:49 PM #

    a contact email for BK would be helpful.

  33. polly styrene December 19, 2009 at 7:07 PM #

    I do think the ad could have been reworded “I will eat this meat until my arteries fur and I die of either CJD or a massive heart attack whichever gets me first, and in my dying moments I’ll probably wish I’d stuck to tofu and salad actually. “

  34. Gayle December 19, 2009 at 10:47 PM #

    Hot damn you’re a great writer!

  35. polly styrene December 20, 2009 at 8:46 PM #

    http://www.bk.com/en/us/company-info/contact/index.html

    Google is your friend. As well as very simple to use.

  36. Taybeh Chaser December 21, 2009 at 12:35 AM #

    I’ve been unable to help thinking that the model here bears a really disturbing resemblance to my mom, only younger. This is making it a hundred zillion times worse, as you can imagine.

  37. ds December 21, 2009 at 10:19 PM #

    Who wants to bet that
    it really only measures
    five and three-quarters?

    • Nine Deuce December 21, 2009 at 11:04 PM #

      I do. Was that a haiku?! Awesome.

  38. ds December 22, 2009 at 4:02 AM #

    I used to haiku
    Feministing all the time
    til they kicked me out

  39. Andrew December 22, 2009 at 6:04 PM #

    DS,

    That is actually really funny.

  40. charlielittle January 3, 2010 at 10:09 AM #

    What the f*uck!!! Awful advert

  41. karinova January 19, 2010 at 5:22 AM #

    “Fauxronic.”

    Dang. And here I thought I was so clever having invented “ironicomedic” (which was itself a replacement for the term I had before that: “Fuckyouhaha Humor.”)

  42. Immir March 4, 2010 at 7:37 AM #

    Peacemelody: “Even sadder still to think that plenty of chicks will find this ad funny and harmless…”

    Totally depressing. Women today strive to much to be accepted by men, they tolerate/participate in almost anything. I mean, who is the girl in the ad? I bet she wasn’t too proud to show her parents her latest modeling gig…

  43. Dee October 8, 2010 at 1:40 AM #

    I just came across your blog and just wanted to say that you’re absolutely brilliant. If you were a single, heterosexual man, I’d ask you to marry me.

  44. Sameer January 10, 2011 at 5:06 PM #

    Hi there,

    Great observation. And there are millions of such portrayals in the media which are clearly misogynist and just downright dumb. Being kinda new to America, my first reaction to such ads is that of revulsion. Maybe because I wasn’t brought up in a culture that was so, if you’ll pardon me, sex-crazed. And although there are sane guys who don’t like such things, there is a certain kind of a pressure to follow this ideal of American masculinity.

  45. Retail Robot February 19, 2011 at 5:18 PM #

    Just found this amazing blog. I’ve never seen this ad OR the Durex one (holy crap, what were they thinking?). It’s absolutely disgusting what the media is doing, which is why I rarely watch tv, go on Facebook, or read magazines. I figure it’s better to not know what people are being exposed to every day.

    Anyway, am subscribing and will be reading from now on! :)

  46. Clay renoit January 28, 2012 at 2:14 AM #

    I MADE MY ORDER AND DROVE AROUND TO PAY AND THE CASHIER TOLD ME TO GO BACK AROUND AND RE-MAKE MY ORDER BECAUSE SHE DID NOT GET IT. SO I ASKED HER WHY SHE CAN’T JUST RE-TAKE MY ORDER NOW. SHE SAID IF I DON’T SHE WILL CALL THE POLICE. SO I DID NOT WON’T PROBLEMS. SO I DROVE BACK AROUND TALKING TO MY BABY AND THEN LOOKED UP AND THE LINE WAS TO LONG SO I ASK TO TALK TO A MANAGER AND SEEN THAT THE MAN…AGER IS THE CASHIER. SO I DID NOT WANT TO GET MAD AGAIN. THIS WAS THE LAST TIME I’LL EVER WASTE MY MONEY IN ANY. EVERY BK I’VE BEEN GOING TO 1000’s AND NEVER GET ANYTHING THAT YOU WANT.I HAD A HISPANIC FRIEND BEFORE DRIVING-UP AT THE DRIVE-UP WINDOW I WAS TALKING TO HIM ON MY CELL PHONE BEHIND MY FRIEND AND I ASK MY FRIEND TO ASK FOR KETCHUP AND BECAUSE THEY BOTH ARE HISPANIC AND THE GUY WAITING ON MY FRIEND HE WOULD GIVE HIM 2 HANDS FULL OF KETCHUP SO TALKING TO MY FRIEND AND PULLING UP TO THE DRIVE-UP WINDOW WAITING ON THE SAME GUY TO GIVE ME MY FRIES AND SEE A BIG BOX OF KETCHUP RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY EYES AND ASK FOR SOME KETCHUP AND THE HISPANIC GUY INSIDE SAYS HE DON’T HAVE ANY HE JUST RAN OUT. WHATS THAT IN THIS BOX AND THE GUY WOULD EMPTY THE FULL BOX OF KETCHUP ON THE FLOOR JUST SO I DON’T GET ANY.SO I HAVE BEEN LOOKING FOR A I HATE BURGER KING PAGE ON FACEBOOK AND NOW I AM HAPPY. I ‘M A RISK-TAKER AND WEALTHY AND WANTED TO MAYBE BUY BURGER KING HAVE SOMETHING PROFITABLE BUT I TOOK A SLOW LOOK AT EVERYTHING AND I THINK THAT BURGER KING NEEDS TO CLOSE THERE DOORS. EVERYONE OF THEM AROUND THE WORLD IS TRASHY RUN BY TRASH. WITH THAT BEING SAID I WILL NOT EVEN DRIVE-IN TO TURN AROUND BECAUSE SOMEONE MAY SEE ME AT BURGER KING AND WONDER WHY AM I THERE. PLEASE CLOSE-UP SOMEONE SAID BURGER KING NEEDED A NEW MAKE-OVER AND I SAID IT NEEDS HAULED TO A LANDFILL/DUMP. SORRY THAT MAY DISRESPECT THE DUMP…THANK YOU

  47. lizor January 29, 2012 at 9:00 AM #

    Wow.

  48. Janie June January 30, 2012 at 8:56 PM #

    http://thesocietypages.org/socimages/2008/03/25/sexualizing-and-gendering-food/

    More on food and gender.

  49. Norm April 18, 2012 at 12:26 AM #

    I can think of an even better reason not to eat at BK. There food blows.

  50. lizor April 23, 2012 at 2:27 PM #

    @ norm,

    Yeah, what’s a little rape imagery compared to a substandard burger?

  51. Fede April 24, 2012 at 9:07 AM #

    lizor, you rule.

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