Comments on: This must be one of those “eye of the beholder” things.

By: enlightened

enlightened — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 14:53:19 +0000

First and foremost, I’d like to say how much I’ve enjoyed reading your blogs over the past two days. I really wish I would have started reading them in 2009. I can vouch for everything that you’re saying. Unfortunately, I’m not proud of being able to state that, nor do I wish it to be true. After having dated a boy for three years, I met him my freshman year of college, I experienced all of thee above. First, I want to address two factors which make this next story even more shocking. This boy was a virgin when I began dating him, and I’m an educated woman that is a semester away from obtaining her degree at a university of California. I fell victim to these misogynistic porn beliefs without realizing how sick they are. As an 18 year old woman, if you could call me that, I never shaved my pubic hair, nor did I want anal. But by the end of our relationship, I found myself doing those things. I won’t write a miniblog of my sexual encounters here, but everything you’re saying is true. Our youth is poisoned day in and day out by these images of women being depicted as sex objects. In the college culture, feminists are lesbians who aren’t woth a damn, or women who should pay for their own dinner due to their belief system. I once heard a boy state, “women want equality. Please! If women get equality, then that means I get to hit them.” A friend of my ex. What a gentleman. This same boy once said, “if women are getting raped then they might as well enjoy it.” I didn’t date a frat guy. i dated what appeared to be a normal Christian guy who’s mother preached abstinence and was unaware of my miscarriage. Fuck studying Kate Chopin! The modern female awakening is that the new female oppression isn’t treating all women like domesticated unintelligible house slaves, but instead treating them as sex objects. I’ve officially given up on dating and he idea of marriage. I don’t want to have to deal with shaving, waxing or anal sex in my “happily ever after.” Sorry for the typos. Commenting on a cell phone.

By: sneeky bunny

sneeky bunny — Sat, 18 Sep 2010 17:31:49 +0000

I agree with Bluecat Kristina. It’s something for you and your partner to figure out. In the end, it’s your relationship, and we, on the internet, won’t be there at the foot of the bed passing judgement. Because, you know, that would be weird. :)

By: Bluecat

Bluecat — Sat, 18 Sep 2010 03:49:30 +0000

@Kristina: If I were in your shoes, I couldn’t do it. The act is too redolent of a dom/sub dynamic and I would feel equally uncomfortable in a dom or a sub role.

That’s just me, though. You’ve got to figure out whether the act contravenes your sexual values or is consistent with them.

By: Bluecat

Bluecat — Sat, 18 Sep 2010 03:15:22 +0000

@Chloe: If you punch “sex forums” into google, the forum I frequented the most is in the top 5. I guard my privacy fiercely, and so I won’t discuss which forum that is here. (The women’s health forum isn’t 100% misogyny-free, but it’s not that that bad, either.)

A caveat: Don’t enter these forums if you’re triggered by extreme misogyny; I promise the experience will be disturbing, to say the least (it certainly was a few years back and I don’t imagine anything has changed). Oh, and if you want the full experience you’ll have to register and probably be placed on a probationary list until you’ve posted “x” number of times.

Actually, I’ve been thinking about suggesting a foray into internet sex forums as a project for 92. I would pay good money to read her assessment!

By: Chloe

Chloe — Fri, 17 Sep 2010 22:30:59 +0000

“It has been troubling me…anyone have anything to say about it negative or positive?”
I think it’s different if someone asks to be degraded for their own pleasure. It’s not like you’re asking him to let you do it. Kind of like in BDSM when the person WANTS to be tied up. I’ve had this request too, though the only reason it was face was from oral, and it’s the thought that he could pleasure me enough to get me to do it. So it was more an excitement in my pleasure and the face thing wasn’t important other than it would be a little messy. The reason the man ejaculating on the woman’s face is so problematic is partially because people like to pretend it doesn’t stem from degrading the woman as well as it is the dominant group (men) dehumanizing the subordinate group (women) and getting off on the dehumanizing part. If you ejaculate on him, it doesn’t affect your pleasure one way or another where you ejaculate (since you most likely need some fingers) and it’s highly likely you’re already in a situation where your ejaculate will wind up on his face (he might be giving you oral). When a man ejaculates on a woman’s face generally he has to go through extra trouble (pulling out from the warm wet good place to get to a colder, less pleasurable spot) to do something that doesn’t feel as physically good because the emotional experience of dehumanizing her makes up for it. So I’d say so long as you enjoy ejaculating and he wants that on his face, you should go for it.

By: Chloe

Chloe — Fri, 17 Sep 2010 22:22:26 +0000

I suppose I’m a sadist, but what forums are these? Not because I don’t believe you, I just am curious to read some of this crap.

By: kristina

kristina — Fri, 17 Sep 2010 22:10:22 +0000

You know…I have something that makes me uncomfortable, especially being a feminist… I feel kind of weird that my husband LOVES me to ejaculate on his face…(female ejaculation…lol) I felt bad for doing it really…but it did get him really excited… It has been troubling me…anyone have anything to say about it negative or positive?

(sorry if it’s TMI…but hell I figure we’re discussing some of the most degrading crap anyway…)

By: berryblade

berryblade — Fri, 17 Sep 2010 06:39:11 +0000

Yeah I googled that shit after I posted that comment which I really should have done before and then I could have just expressed my disgust at the rest of the commenters there.

Holy shit, I knew young men felt super-duper entitled these days, but I’d honestly no idea what they really thought when they believed no-one else was paying attention to what they were writing. It makes me so fearful for all the young womyn and girls out there who are going to have to try and negotiate their ways through this festering sea of bullshit.

By: Bluecat

Bluecat — Thu, 16 Sep 2010 21:10:49 +0000

@Berryblade & Chloe: Believe it or not, that’s just the tip of the “anal debate” iceberg. When I was young(er) and innocent (i.e., unschooled in porn trends) I thought it would be a grand idea to post to various sex-oriented forums seeking advice on improving my bedroom skills. I chose the most popular sex forums on the internet for this venture and what a regrettably eye-opening experience it was. The degree of sexual entitlement evidenced by 99% of the male posters, I swear, left me just a wee bit psychologically traumatized. It took a long time and immersion in feminist theory to convince myself that this entitlement to have porn sex expressed by the overwhelming majority of men on these forums was not normal.

I can’t tell you how often the “if a man wants it, she should do it, regardless of how degrading, painful, etc. it is” argument was raised. The ideal woman is a “freak”, i.e., open to anything her partner suggests (her feelings, opinions, etc. are irrelevant). If a woman refused to participate in BDSM activities, facials, anal sex, etc., the poor put-upon “victim” was encouraged to break up with his partner, cheat on her, work harder at persuasion, or “teach her a lesson” by performing the sex act without her consent. This so-called advice constituted *the entire thread* every time the question of “she doesn’t want to do this, what do I do” discussions were initiated. The hostility and resentment expressed towards women who refused to turn themselves into amateur porn stars was palpable…an on-going theme. Anal sex was a frequent topic, as you can imagine. The last post I remember reading was a woeful lament from a young man who couldn’t find a woman to have anal sex with him (typically expressed as, “She won’t let me do her in the ass”). One of the posters encouraged him to “Hang in there, someday you’ll find your anal queen.”

Virtually every poster on these forums was a hardcore fan of pornography. It doesn’t take a genius to deduce that the higher the porn consumption, the greater the sexual entitlement of the consumer; not to mention the greater the obsession with porn conventions. I honestly thought porn was a benign “sexual aid” before I began following the discussions on sex forums. Oh how very naive I was. What is most frightening of all is the realization that impressionable young women flock to these sites in droves nowadays, looking for advice on how to become more pornalicious for their boyfriends.

One thing is for certain, I’ll never date another porn user as long as I live.

By: Chloe

Chloe — Wed, 15 Sep 2010 18:04:31 +0000

Oh and one more thing, this quote:
“Man if that hoe won’t let you butt fuck the shit out of her then fuck her one last time cum all on her face and piss on her then tell her to leave the fucking house!
If i had her I would strip her down and grab her by her hair and ram a dildo up her little ass and put my cock up here pussy and make her learn how to take it. Once I was done with her ass I would pull out and make her suck my dick and ask her how her asshole taste. Girls need to learn that men need to fuck and do as they please to women. Women should be used as men please and they need to shut the fuck up about it and get their tits slapped, throats rammed with dick, and pussies streched to the max!”
Sounds like it was taken directly out of a porn description. Which is disturbing on two levels. The first obvious one is that he’d think to say that, that he could become that desensitized to women’s pain that even saying that (let alone doing it) would be OK is highly disturbing. Like needs to be in jail for rape disturbing. The second is that it sounds like porn. It’s disturbing that porn would even be described in that manner. That is how porn describes how to treat women. Even in non-violent porn they describe the acts as violent. Even the most vanilla porn puts in violent descriptions because that’s what men now want to hear. It truly makes me feel unsafe as a woman.