Nine Deuce’s pants on fire, also hanging from a telephone wire.

28 Jun

This afternoon, I had just gotten done telling Davetavius that I don’t want to engage in personal Internet scuffles of any kind (since it’s narcissistic, juvenile, and counterproductive) when I checked my stats and found something that nearly knocked me off my 12-pack: a Divine impersonator who can’t read has made a video about me!

Unfortunately, it’s so funny that I’m going to have to respond, even if it does make me feel like a geek (a word which still means “uncool” in my book).

In her expose, entitled Nine Deuce: Feminist or Bigot? (someone call Sundance) Little Devil (Xiao Gui, 小鬼), whose interests include Dungeons and Dragons, Rammstein, Marilyn Manson, Insane Clown Posse, Rocky Horror Picture Show, eastern religions, and Nietzsche (no, I’m not kidding — it’s as if she copied and pasted a “How to Be the Biggest Goth/BDSM Cliche You Can Be” pamphlet onto her page) claims that there are five LIES (!) contained within the first three posts in my BDSM series, and that I’m just like a Christian fundamentalist who hates the gays because I wonder whether it might not be possible that M/f BDSM relationships are problematic (guess she hasn’t seen part 5).

Her page urges us to “Carpe diem, bitches,” so let us wander through the five dastardly LIES one-by-one, yes?

  1. Nine Deuce, apparently, thinks BDSM is “all about male dominance and female submission.” Nope. The posts stated that I know that BDSM can take many other forms, but that the vast majority of BDSM relationships and encounters (and porn, natch) are M/f or recreate a M/f dynamic with things like “sissification.” I acknowledge that other forms exist, as I did in the posts, but I still wonder why we think sex and power and abuse ought to be comingled, especially living as we do in a hierarchical and oppressive society. LD thinks she’s got me because the original ads I placed were as a submissive woman and a submissive man. She’d be right if my intent in the “research” had been to prove that BDSM was all about men dominating women. The thing is, I know a thing or two about research and was well aware of the fact that my method wouldn’t have been sound had I tried to use it to prove anything quantitative scientifically. What I was trying to do was to show that the types of responses I got from men writing to what they thought was a submissive woman illustrate the kinds of attitudes that dominant men share with plain old sex abusers.
  2. Nine Deuce thinks that “male dominance is an outgrowth of our patriarchal or misogynistic culture,” which is clearly a fucking lie! Say what? How is male dominance NOT an outgrowth of a patriarchal society? For fuck’s sake, it’s the DEFINITION of patriarchy! Apparently, my assumption that male dominants might have absorbed something of a message that’s more ubiquitous than Coke ads is “pseudo-psychological drivel” akin to people claiming that male homosexuality is caused by domineering mothers. Way to try to poison the well there, LD, but I don’t think anyone’s buying that comparison. Blaming mothers for homosexuality is double-dutch-deluxe misogyny: blame a woman for a man being like a woman (which is the worst thing one can be). It’s also quite a stretch to think that a mother bossing her son around would lead directly to a hankering for dong. What you’d have to believe in order to think that a mother could make her son gay is that assertive women raise timid men, and a timid man is basically a woman, and women get fucked by men. Hence we have a hula-hoop of haterism in which the unifying feature is misogyny and woman-blaming. That’s not psychology, it’s a weak and nonsensical justification for homophobia and misogyny. Compare that to my supposition, that a misogynistic and sexually-repressed society breeds a situation in which women are rewarded for being sexually submissive and in which men come to view women with a mix of desire and sexual guilt, which leads to the desire to abuse, dominate, and degrade. LD thinks that her own experiences and those of a few people she knows disprove the idea that culture might influence sexuality, and goes so far as to suggest that BDSM might be hereditary because she’s heard it runs in families. Are you fucking kidding me? As if we aren’t absorbing messages from birth about male and female behavior from the examples set by our parents and others in the household. Why does everyone seem to think that we are immune to social messages until we reach some magical age at which we know we’re gay/straight/submissive/dominant/into jam bands? I keep hearing this nonsense from BDSMers about how they knew they had submissive desires when they were five, or ten, or whatever, as if that’s proof that these sorts of things can’t be socially inculcated. Where were they until that age, on Mars? Absolute tomfoolery.
  3. Nine Deuce thinks kink is about “cheap thrills” rather than intimacy and love. I don’t give a fuck whether it’s about intimacy or adrenaline, really. I’m sure there are BDSM couples out there who love each other and are intimate as all get down, but I do wonder why, when your average couple is having problems, counselors think it appropriate for them to suggest that the couple introduce volatile power dynamics into their sex lives, and why that so often turns into a M/f situation. (That was what part 2 was all about.) LD also claims I’m basing my understanding of BDSM relationships on porn rather than real people’s experiences, which she’d know is not the case had she read part 4, part 5, or my post about Kink dot com. I’m aware that there’s a difference between porn and real life, but I’m also aware that they have an effect on each other, and I assume everyone else is too (barring “separaters,” of course).
  4. Nine Deuce thinks she knows better than everyone else what they want out of their sex lives! She’s like a homophobe telling a lesbian she just needs some dick! I don’t remember telling anyone that I know what they secretly want, but if you can find a quote, let’s see it.
  5. Nine Deuce thinks BDSMers are unfit to have children! That argument was put to rest in the comments on part 4 and part 5. LD says that “vanilla” (retch) couples don’t fuck in front of their kids, so why should we think BDSMers do? LD informs me, in a very knowing tone, that I’ve gotten the insane idea that BDSM relationships are 24/7 from porn. I have? I didn’t get the idea  that full-time BDSM relationships exist from porn (which, if I had, would make me an idiot, since I know the difference between people fucking for money on tape and real life), I got it from the blogs and comments of real people here and elsewhere. I don’t know whether there are any people out there breaking out the gag ball in front of their kids, but I do know there are people with kids in full-time BDSM relationships in which the D/s dynamic is apparent to the children. No, that’s not qualitatively different from a traditional, patriarchal family, but I’m not wearing a t-shirt in support of that shit either.

I’m a little concerned about LD’s ability to read. First of all, are any of these things actually “lies” on my part? Four them are mischaracterizations of what I’ve said, and one (the fourth one) is a flat-out lie itself, taken as it is from thin air rather than even the most warped of possible interpretations of what I’ve written. But even if I had written all of these things, would they be “lies”? Or would they be opinions and ideas that LD doesn’t agree with?

Then, of course, she breaks out the old, “You talk about it so much, you must secretly be into it!” and compares me to the anti-gay preacher who gets caught hosing a male prostitute. You got me, 小鬼! I’ve been blogging about my opposition to porn, misogynistic advertising, fascistic beauty standards, plastic surgery, eating disorders, rape, the fashion industry, male privilege in our legal and political system, Flomax, gender roles, kids toys that limit girls’ visions for their futures, Suicide Girls, and what’s wrong with sporting culture for about 18 months, to the tune of 181 posts. I’d better come out and tell everyone the truth now: I really spend my Saturdays making amateur bukkake videos in between butthole bleaching and pube waxing sessions.  On Sundays I get Botox injections in my elbow creases and get collagen injected into my calves, then head to the mall and try on stilettos and girdles all day. Monday I get back to work, where I create ads to sell Durex condoms (you can see my work here) and help author legislation that will make it easier for rapists to evade prosecution. I head home every night and do all the housework while my daughter plays with Bratz and watches the Disney channel and my son plays with GI Joes and plastic guns, then blow my husband while he watches the NFL and drinks Coors Light. Once everyone’s gone to bed, I gorge myself on Betty Crocker Warm Delights cakes and then make myself puke them back up. I mean, I wouldn’t want to get fat and find myself in a situation in which rapists didn’t think me hot enough to rape! And believe you me, I’m into rape. If I wasn’t, why would I write about it so much?

Prett weak sauce, 小鬼. Next time maybe you ought to put a little more time and effort into font selection and mesh-glove-to-lipstick coordination. And making sense.

35 Responses to “Nine Deuce’s pants on fire, also hanging from a telephone wire.”

  1. Tilde June 29, 2009 at 1:55 AM #

    Haha, what a tool.

  2. rachel June 29, 2009 at 2:42 AM #

    She seems SO against your blog; she must really love it!

  3. RenegadeEvolution June 29, 2009 at 4:29 AM #

    I’m gonna have to watch this now, aren’t I? Agree with you on a lot of shit or not, your review had me laughing.

  4. RenegadeEvolution June 29, 2009 at 6:02 AM #

    HAHAHAHA oh christ, I watched it. What, did she think all those big words would make her sound cool????

    Oh my.

  5. Aileen Wuornos June 29, 2009 at 9:03 AM #

    I couldn’t watch that whole thing. I’m sick and have a killer headache (I think I have a migraine coming on…) and that lipstick hurts my eyes. It’s a shame.

    But this post was the most insane example of a shred I have ever seen.

    Amazing. So good.

  6. Bean June 29, 2009 at 12:34 PM #

    and goes so far as to suggest that BDSM might be hereditary because she’s heard it runs in families. Are you fucking kidding me? As if we aren’t absorbing messages from birth about male and female behavior from the examples set by our parents and others in the household.

    Saying that an interest in kink is purely hereditary is stupid. On the other hand, saying that it can’t possibly be at least partially genetic when there’s zero common experience between kinky people that anyone’s managed to identify is, uh, a rather premature conclusion.

    If interest in BDSM doesn’t turn out to be connected to the DRD4-7 receptor gene, I…well, if I owned a hat, I might eat it, but I don’t like hats.

    Not watching the video though, as I hate watching people make fools of themselves.

  7. KBO June 29, 2009 at 1:52 PM #

    Served. You remain my hero.

  8. James June 29, 2009 at 2:11 PM #

    I think #2 was alright, I think that far too many feminists are oblivious to the malign influence of Lacan, but then she cruises right on into the biological essentialism based upon anecdote, having earlier criticised you for shoddy research techniques…

  9. isme June 29, 2009 at 2:45 PM #

    Hmm…as if making a video of yourself to refute a blog wasn’t weird enough as it is…was she trying to discredit ND’s opponents?

    With that makeup and some of the lines, I almost think she’s doing it on purpose.

  10. Jenn June 29, 2009 at 6:43 PM #

    Owned.

    What is with the comparison of everything under the sun that people do that other people question to homosexuality? You know, if homosexuality involved beating the shit out of people for fun and exactly mirroring patriarchal norms, then it’s not homophobia to say that that shit is whack. It’s pretty stupid, and shows a complete lack of knowledge of the entire body of gay theory. One of the big squabbles in lesbian theory is how to avoid replicating M/f power structures, and whether or stuff like introducing a phallus into the bedroom is just an excuse to insert a penis in order to make it “real” sex.

    And in homosexual theory, most of the time, it’s not like we automatically reject criticism of the replication of patriarchal norms as homophobia (some do, but they’re full of shit). If BDSM wants to call itself an identity, than just like all identities (including homosexuality, for shit’s sake) it needs to examine the premises that some of its acts and norms are based on, and reject the ones that support and perpetuate things like racism or misogyny.

    Questioning that doesn’t make us opponents of BDSM, any more than thinking that butches who degrade femmes for fun are misogynists means that I’m a homophobe.

    Plus, the absolute fucking gall of straight people to talk about homosexuality like they know all there is to know about it, while they show that they are absolutely ignorant of the most basic theories within five seconds of running their damn mouths. Privilege, oy! If you’re replicating a traditional M/f relationship, adding more kink, and then silencing criticism by misappropriating accusations of oppression equivalent to homophobia, you’re fucking wallowing in priviledge to the point that it reeks.

    Which is why when people piss and moan that people who critique BDSM oppressing them it just makes me want to bash some heads together.

  11. Argive June 29, 2009 at 8:33 PM #

    No personal Internet scuffles of any kind? But, ND, surely you know that The Internet Is Serious Business! When you have a blog, it’s your duty to engage in arguments with every single person who provokes you. This is especially the case when the person is a troll trying to provoke you for no good reason. Why else does the Internet exist, if not to provide us with legions of self-absorbed twits with too much time on their hands who like to debate for the sake of debating?

    /sarc off

    A few observations on LD’s interests:

    This person likes Insane Clown Posse? Goodness. I do believe ICD to be the worst band in history, followed closely by Creed and Nickelback.

    Also, it is my firm belief that 75% of people who claim to like Friedrich Nietzsche’s work have read little more than his Wikiquote page. I wonder if LD falls into this category.

  12. Polly Styrene June 29, 2009 at 9:31 PM #

    Whoa dude.

    You should have gone to Specsavers! (is that just a UK based ad, or do you have them in the US of A).

    That is so funny.

    • Pharaoh Katt July 1, 2009 at 3:01 PM #

      Even though the clip is dumb, it really doesn’t do to insult her glasses. There’s already enough discrimination against people who need glasses in this society.

  13. Polly Styrene June 29, 2009 at 9:37 PM #

    Could you maybe be a feminist AND a bigot?

    Discuss.

    • Pharaoh Katt July 1, 2009 at 3:26 PM #

      That’s actually an interesting question, and could probably create an interesting discussion.

      I don’t think that supporting a cause like feminism makes you immune to bigotry, any more than being a member of a religion which preaches love makes someone immune to hate. It stands to reason that if you are aiming to eradicate one form of oppression you’d be more open to learn about other forms of oppression (such as animal rights).

      But I have known people who are so focused on what they see as “their cause” that they’re completely blinded to everyone around them, to the point where they are rude and bigoted.

    • Nine Deuce July 6, 2009 at 1:38 AM #

      You can. I’m the master apparently.

  14. Polly Styrene June 29, 2009 at 9:53 PM #

    I also do wonder if she thinks you’re writing a blog or trying to win the Nobel Prize for physics. “Control group” of ads?

    But if you’re so keen on scientific method pet, why do you assume your ‘personal experience’ is proof postive of anything? Set up a double blind trial!

  15. hellonhairylegs June 30, 2009 at 2:35 AM #

    ROFL. Apparently you’re telling people what they want and that’s terrible, and yet she KNOWS the reason why you get trolls is because you’re secretly into BDSM?

    • XiaoGui17 July 6, 2009 at 9:10 AM #

      I meant the trolls probably suspected Nine was secretly into BDSM, not that I thought that!

      • Nine Deuce July 6, 2009 at 5:39 PM #

        Bullshit. You were the one who said “Methinks the lady doth protest too much.”

  16. Rachael June 30, 2009 at 9:44 AM #

    I couldn’t stop staring at her shiny lipstick.

  17. syndicalist702 June 30, 2009 at 1:08 PM #

    This woman couldn’t debate her way out of a wet paper bag if she had a machete to help her out.

    *facepalm*

  18. Polly Styrene June 30, 2009 at 11:54 PM #

    Also why does wotserface talk like THIS with random WORDS EMPHAZIZED for no good REASON.

    She reminds me of this.

  19. Polly Styrene July 1, 2009 at 6:35 PM #

    Why else does the Internet exist, if not to provide us with legions of self-absorbed twits with too much time on their hands who like to debate for the sake of debating?

    It’s rilly good for shopping. And train timetables.

  20. Faith July 1, 2009 at 6:52 PM #

    That was far more painful than anything sm-oriented I’ve ever engaged in.

  21. Polly Styrene July 3, 2009 at 9:55 PM #

    Pharoah Katt, I am one of the most short sighted (and now long sighted, bah) people on the planet. And currently own 7 pairs of glasses PLUS contacts. It’s a slogan from a TV ad campaign.

    • Pharaoh Katt July 4, 2009 at 7:10 AM #

      Ah, ok. Lost on me because we don’t have that ad here (as far as I have seen).

  22. XiaoGui17 July 6, 2009 at 12:12 AM #

    “I don’t remember telling anyone that I know what they secretly want, but if you can find a quote, let’s see it.”

    “…kink, at its core, represents an attempt to derive as much excitement and titillation out of sex as possible while avoiding real intimacy. It’s a lame substitute for what sex can be, an attempt to substitute adrenaline for intimacy, because real intimacy can be quite a frightening concept for people who’ve absorbed the idea that sex is about power and satisfying base urges.”

    We’re afraid of intimacy, apparently. And though it’s not explicitly stated, it is implied that this “real intimacy” of which you speak is what we really want.

  23. thebewilderness July 6, 2009 at 2:44 AM #

    I was not aware that being opposed to torture was considered bigotry by the proponents of torture.
    I’m always learning something new on the interwebs.

  24. polly January 23, 2010 at 2:46 PM #

    Awww they made the video private. Spoilsports! (nb I was looking for this cos I was just discussing people on the internetz insulting other bloggers, and this is the best and funniest example ever).

    Note to the video author: If you’re going to criticise someone publicly, don’t be surprised when they then rip the piss out of you. And if you’re not prepared to be responded to, you’re a coward. End of.

  25. lizor March 21, 2010 at 6:58 PM #

    “I really spend my Saturdays making amateur bukkake videos in between butthole bleaching and pube waxing sessions. On Sundays I get Botox injections in my elbow creases and get collagen injected into my calves, then head to the mall and try on stilettos and girdles all day. Monday I get back to work, where I create ads to sell Durex condoms (you can see my work here) and help author legislation that will make it easier for rapists to evade prosecution. I head home every night and do all the housework while my daughter plays with Bratz and watches the Disney channel and my son plays with GI Joes and plastic guns, then blow my husband while he watches the NFL and drinks Coors Light. Once everyone’s gone to bed, I gorge myself on Betty Crocker Warm Delights cakes and then make myself puke them back up. I mean, I wouldn’t want to get fat and find myself in a situation in which rapists didn’t think me hot enough to rape! And believe you me, I’m into rape. If I wasn’t, why would I write about it so much?”

    Hey-Zeus Kristy, you should consider a career in comedy writing. That’s really funny.

  26. Immir March 24, 2010 at 9:17 AM #

    Yeesh* I made the mistake of looking the video up on Youtube and found a whole lot of videos on anti-feminist stuff. Feminazi’s, crazy feminist bitches, man-hating feminists are ruining the world as we know it…. God that’s depressing.

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