Archive | April, 2009

Check this out.

23 Apr

I’ve been harping to my friends about Judd Apatow for a long time, but I’ve been unwilling endure the torture of watching his movies so that I could knowledgeably write about ‘em. Luckily, there’s a braver person than I (and an awesome writer) out there, and you can see her post on 40-Year-Old-Virgin here. Also, her blog has a sweet name: Tiger Beatdown.

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The Hooburrito is here!

15 Apr

Oh my god, dude. Denny’s has introduced a new late-night menu with dishes designed by bands that no one except people who are really into Target commercials likes, bands such as Boys Like Girls, Taking Back Sunday, and fucking HOOBASTANK! Has there ever, ever been a funnier band name than Hoobastank? Every time I hear mention of Hoobastank, I just imagine a thirteen-year-old boy who has never been drunk before wearing a pot-leaf beanie and getting yelled at by his mom for making too much of a ruckus moshing in his bedroom.

Just imagine the meeting at which Hoobastank got together with the “creative team” who design Denny’s dishes to put this together, and then imagine the people who concoct Denny’s dishes guiding Hoobastank in creating a burrito with fried chicken, fried onions, cheese, and cheese sauce on it, but deciding that wasn’t Hoobastanky enough and tossing in a side of cheese sauce and a side of ranch. 

Goddamnit, dude. That was the most banal, soulless, embarrassing thing I think I’ve ever seen. Denny’s wins. 

I love nothing more than the inane copyrighted names corporate restaurants come up with for their alcoholic drinks (get over to Outback tonight and get you a Wallaby Darned, which is easily the best one there is) and dishes, and I make sure to order them whenever I get the chance, even if it means embarrassing the person who has to repeat my order to me. Really, corporate restaurants are an awesome social phenomenon; I often visit them just in order to get a look at what’s going on with the people that most people think of when they are discussing “Americans.” I know, I’m an asshole, but I can’t think of anything more entertaining than watching unsophisticated suburbanites get stoked about BBQ Pork Ravioli Bites, Kickin’ Jack Nachos,  Chicken Parmesan Tanglers, or whatever other insane, bacon-and-cheese-encrusted food item the marketing geniuses have designed to appeal to people who can’t wait to start taking Lipitor. I like that shit so much, in fact, that Davetavius and I once drove over an hour to go to an Olive Garden in a Georgia suburb on a Saturday night to analyze the menu and watch other people eat.

If I could afford it, I’m certain that the ultimate entertainment experience would be to go corporate bar hopping in Times Square, which is the only place in Manhattan where one can find a TGI Friday’s, an Olive Garden, an Outback, a Hooters, an Applebee’s, a Red Lobster, and maybe even a Chili’s in one square mile, but they all charge about 175% of their normal menu prices due to location, so I’ll never know. I’ve always been blown away by the idea that someone would travel all the way to New York, a city full of awesome restaurants with decent prices, to eat the same food they can eat at their local strip mall while paying almost twice the money for the privilege, and I really want to go and see for myself what goes on in those joints. But alas…

I can’t afford that shit, but you know what I can afford? Denny’s. You know I’m going to a Denny’s after 10 PM at the first chance I get, because I wanna get me a Hooburito and some Potachos. Those are potato chip nachos, for those of you uncool motherfuckers who aren’t down with the new Rockstar Menu. And when I’m done with those, I’m gonna tell the waiter to whip a Smokin’ Q Four Pack on me, and I want that shit with A Ton O’Rings, to be certain. After that I’m gonna go get a sun tattoo and then maybe head back to the practice space to get me a full gulp pull of some Jager and “kick out some rockin’ jams” with my buddies: Big Dog, Ill Will, and The Burger. After which I’ll be back at the Denny’s to hit up that All-Nigher Value menu. Munchies, brah!

Seriously, dude, I’m pretty sure this new Denny’s menu is even making Guy Fieri and his 1996 Rockabilly kit look cool. 

 

allnighter-menu1

This shit is crossposted.

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I dislike taxes so much that I’m going to put my balls on your face.

14 Apr

Have you guys heard about this “tea-bagging” bullshit? Apparently there are still three or four people out there holding onto the idea that their lives will get better if they will only vote in support of the rich people who have been fucking them over since 1980, and they have gotten together and formed what is undoubtedly going to be deemed the most embarrassing populist political movement of all time. There have been gatherings all over the country of late at which people dump boxes of Lipton into the water as a political protest. They fancy themselves the inheritors of the legacy of those dudes in Boston who, in 1773, tossed a bunch of British tea into the harbor in order to let the Brits know they weren’t going to be paying any taxes unless, in exchange for their taxes, they’d gain representation in Parliament. You know, that little event known as the Boston Tea Party that catalyzed the American Revolution. I totally see the parallels, don’t you?

These new jack tea-dumping rabblerousers think that by littering and wasting postage stamps mailing tea to the White House and Congress, they’re going to kick off the Revolution of 2009, which will put a stop to the three months of socialist tyranny and excessive taxation they’ve labored under so valiantly. (Oh, right, no one’s taxes have been increased at all.) And Republican politicians, who couldn’t get the media to give a shit about them if they were to get caught fucking horses on the Capitol steps in Wilson Phillips t-shirts,  can’t wait to get in on the party. (But only the cool kids get to play. Michael Steele, the black guy the GOP hired to let us all know they’re so racist that they can’t tell that the reason we elected Barack Obama extends beyond the fact that he’s a black guy, has been clamoring to participate in one of the big planned April 15th tea-bagging rallies, but has been officially uninvited from the Chicago event.) The stated aims of these tea-baggers include such well-thought-out ideas as an end to all taxation, the dissolution of the Federal Reserve (not that I’m a fan of the Fed, but these people surely don’t understand how the Fed works or why they want to see it dissolved), the jettisoning of the stimulus plan, and the banning of poor people. OK, I made that last one up.

It must be intellectually comforting to view the world like Ayn Rand did. It just makes everything so simple, and it really helps boost the self-esteem of people who really need it. If the average middle-class suburb-dwelling telecommunications salesman couldn’t pat himself on the back for having achieved a bunch of shit that was actually handed to him by a society designed to meet his needs, he’d have time to think about his life and might actually realize just how uninteresting and unnoteworthy he really is. These asshole myopic Libertarian types truly don’t understand that taxes create the government that creates the institutional and administrative structures that allow businesses to exist and succeed. They don’t understand that they’re able to make a shitload of money in the value-added goods sector because people in other countries toil for almost no recompense in order to provide the basic components that go into the production of those value-added goods. They don’t understand the luck they’ve had being born male/white/able-bodied/etc. and being born into a family that could provide them with the kind of home environment and education that they need to take advantage of the opportunities that privilege presents to them. They don’t understand that our entire social structure exists to allow them to succeed. You can tell they don’t get any of this when you hear them (attempt to) explain why they object to the stimulus plan (or welfare, Social Security, food stamps, national health care, etc.). Republicans and Libertarians love to talk about “personal responsibility” and “pulling oneself up by one’s boostraps,” which is basically code for “I think niggers, beaners, lazy whores, and anyone else who wasn’t born with white male middle class privilege deserves to starve.” I cannot stomach conservative political ideology. It’s so disgusting, entitled, and willfully myopic that I just want to puke on everyone who dares bring it up in my presence. And Libertarians don’t get a pass because they want to legalize weed and prostitution (you know why they’re into that, and it ain’t because they’re in a big hurry to protect women or AIDS patients).

So, these misinformed, self-righteous, entitled dipshits who think they’re the shiznit for having two SUVs and a margarita machine have decided to waste a bunch of tea (which they’ve already paid taxes on) and make assholes of themselves in public in order to show everyone just how thoughtless and stupid they are, to make sure we all know that, no matter what the political climate and no matter what pressing issues we face, they’re on the side of the even richer, more disgusting people they aspire to be.

And they’re calling themselves “tea-baggers.” The whole thing apparently started with some housewife who decided to mail some bags of Lipton to the White House, which is innocent enough (although it’s still stupid), but apparently you can no longer use the words “tea” and “bag” within ten words of each other without some Harold and Kumar fan getting all pumped about the chance to make reference to yet another Urban Dictionary-type “sex” act. Yeah, dude, people all over the country are using the term teenagers have coined to refer to putting their balls on someone’s face/in someone’s mouth to refer to a misguided, totally nonsensical political protest movement. Once again, we have an example of the whole “sexual assault equals bad-assness” meme. I don’t get it, dude. I get pissed about things all the time, but I don’t go around telling people that I’m going to put my vagina on their face to show them who’s boss. I don’t know, maybe I don’t do that because I’m not a complete asshole with an IQ of 43.

The media just can’t get enough of this shit and has gone completely koo-koo for ball jokes, which I suppose isn’t all that surprising considering the fact that they’re nearly all 40-year-old Seth Rogan fans. But even old people are doing this shit, dude. Geriatric men on cable news channels are referring to groups of elderly citizens getting together to “teabag Obama” and to “teabag Congress,” and everyone is pretending that they don’t know that when they use “teabag” as a verb, they’re saying that old men and women are putting their balls on the president’s and Congress’s faces.

I hate America sometimes.

(Some organization is robo-calling people to get them involved in the tea-bagging craze. I know this because my mom told me. That’s right, dude, a robot called my mom to ask her if she’s into tea-bagging.)

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Sports!

8 Apr

Know what I hate? Sports.  I often argue with Davetavius over whether there’s something inherently wrong with sports, athletes, and sports fans. He takes the position that while sport culture might be one of the biggest detriments American society faces, it’s possible for sports to be a force for good, that there is some value in things like Premier League soccer (beyond the entertaining haircuts). I remain skeptical. There might be sports that aren’t completely disgusting, and there might be sport fans who are decent human beings, but that doesn’t mean I have to agree that, on balance, the world wouldn’t be a better place without sports.

The bullshit internationalist posturing surrounding the World Cup and the Olympics notwithstanding, sports — especially team sports — serve as a training ground for unthoughtful, jingoistic, aggressive idiots. It starts when you’re a kid and you see your parents screaming at a TV for no apparent reason, because they’ve for some reason decided to hitch their identity as human beings to an NFL team. And then you get old enough to actually play team sports (if you’re a boy, that is — if you’re a girl you may get to play “fag” sports like softball or soccer, but you’re more likely to end up taking dance lessons or wearing bloomers) and amass a menagerie of sporting idols. That’s when the real bullshit starts. Kids who are far too young to understand why they should be doing so can be seen screaming, painting their faces, and getting in fistfights over allegiances to sports teams that they’ve got no business giving a shit about. I mean, think about it, why would anyone be obsequiously loyal to a group of dumbasses they don’t even know just because they play with balls, even if they’re really good at it? Sports teams represent generic and basically valueless entities like cities, high schools, colleges, and meaningless “lifestyle” concepts created by corporate marketing teams, and I’m pretty worried about anyone who gets upset enough to scream while pointing at the ground (the number one way to express extreme anger among sports fans) over their allegiance to any of the above.

But that’s what team sports do, they teach people to develop obsessive loyalties to concepts and entities that any normal human being ought to not give a shit about, to become loyal to and personally invested in authoritarian entities that are actually detrimental to their own lives. American team sports teach young people that idolatry is all good, especially when directed at some violent, narcissistic asshole or team of assholes that represents our culture’s warped, misogynistic, and destructive idea of masculinity, and that unquestioning loyalty to vague and meaningless concepts and authority figures is where it’s at. And that’s how you get the kinds of jingoistic, unthoughtful assholes who, after September 11, talked about how “those terrorists don’t know who they’re fucking with” and how the US military was going to “go over there and kick some ass” as if they had assembled the weapons themselves out of their own empty Coors Light cans.

So, I’m not into sports. That does not mean, however, that I don’t think sports-related phenomena and sports fans are funny. Anyone who knows me knows I love nothing more than laughing at people who are sincerely involved in shit that sucks, and what better target than some idiot who is so invested in the fortunes of something that has no bearing on his life whatsoever that he’d kick someone’s ass over it? Those guys still abound, but when it comes to funny sports-related mega-trends, it’s slim pickings nowadays. The corporate homogenization of every element of American culture over the course of the last two decades or so has hit the world of sports harder than almost any other arena of our society. The NFL has always been completely embarrassing and loathsome, but it’s now also lost almost all of its capacity to entertain; in the quest to make sure that every adult male between 21 and 45 knows exactly what he needs to buy, the NFL has colluded with advertisers to make sure that nothing but aggressive marketing and boring, overly complicated simulated ass-kicking goes on during the average NFL game. Apparently, this has led even people who are foolish enough to be into the NFL to dub it the “No Fun League.” I don’t know shit about sports, but I’ll tell you what: you won’t see anything as awesome as this coming out of today’s NFL:

Nah, we don’t want to do anything cool or funny like that; let’s get another interview with Tom Brady about his boring-ass baby or his haircut or something. Plthhhh.

When I was a kid, the ONLY thing that made the many NFL games I had to sit through even remotely endurable was the touchdown celebrations, and apparently even those aren’t allowed now. I mean, who the fuck wants to sit through a football game without the chance of seeing someone try to moonwalk in cleats? The only moment I remember out of the countless hours of NFL I suffered through as a child is the Ickey Shuffle. Without that, it’s nothing but crunching sounds and commercials aimed at guys who get excited about sampling seasonal varieties of Samuel Adams. SNORE.

But enough about that. Let’s get to the point here: I hate sports, but the absurd social trends that sports begat in the 80s might be one of my favorite sources of entertainment. Chief among those trends was the wave of sport-themed polo-shirt-and-sunglass-rope rock singles released in the mid-80s. In case you need a refresher, here are two killer examples (sorry, but I couldn’t find the original video for the first one because whoever owns the rights is a weenie):

And let us not forget that Huey Lewis and the News put out an entire album in 1983 that was called Sports (by far their best work, my son).

albumcovers-hueylewisandthenews-sports1983

But without a doubt, the best jock-rock song of the era was Dire Straits’ “Walk of Life,” because the video not only featured the band wearing sporty terry-cloth headband/wristband sets and sneakers with their Sinbad-approved sports coats and permed thinning hair, but it also celebrated the greatest sports-related social trend of the 80s: sports bloopers! Check it out:

Ack!!! I can’t even handle how awesome that video is. There are seriously about 75 people on stage, and they’re all doing something incredibly cool. The drummer looks like he’s in a drum-kit contest with Neil Peart, they have a dude who’s there to do nothing but play the tambo and do the Molly Ringwald, the guy with the acoustic guitar is wearing one of Stephen Tyler’s microphone scarves on his head and is barefoot, and there are two keyboard players, one playing it cool in a Johnny Cash shirt and the other making sure everyone knows from his stage moves and his bolo tie that he drives a convertible and wears red underwear. And check out how stoked the band is to be playing the song! They even get together several times in the center of the stage and look at each other as if to say, “Goddamn, man, touchdown! Rock and fuckin’ roll!”

In addition to the absolutely stellar dancing exhibited by the band, I love this video because sports bloopers are just so funny! Seriously, what’s more hilarious than watching a guy drop a football? Fucking nothing, dude. Expect a post dedicated the 80s sports blooper craze real soon (but not here).

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Dude, did you take a picture of yourself fucking a pizza?

5 Apr

I’m a half-assed vegan. That means I edit the list of things I will and won’t eat at will, and that I do so frequently. But, because I sometimes stick to the rules, I’ve got a few vegan cookbooks. One of those cookbooks is Vegan with a Vengeance by Isa Chandra Moskowitz. She apparently has or had some local access show in New York called the Post Punk Kitchen (What does that even mean? Does she imbue her dishes with the spirit of Sonic Youth and The Jesus Lizard or something?), and she’s got a related website. One day I happened upon a section of the website’s forums called “Food Porn XXX.” Say what? I seriously thought for a second that I might find images therein of people committing lewd acts with seitan (Satan!). I know, I’m a dork. What it really is is a collection of photos people have taken of edible items they’ve cooked, usually based loosely on Moskowitz’s recipes. 

Then, a few years later, I came across some link on some stupid website (I’m sure it was something owned by Gawker) that was categorized as “hotel porn.” Apparently people are creaming their shorts over images of $950-a-night hotel rooms. That shit was weird enough, but what really blows my mind is “puppy porn.” You know, photos of puppies for people who really like to squeal over cute shit. I’ll admit that I don’t give a shit about puppies, but it struck me as odd for several other reasons as well. First, why are we using the word “porn” to refer to images that have nothing to do with depictions of sex (whoops, I mean prostitution)? And second, as “pornography” is basically synonymous with “obscenity,” does it really make sense to use the term to refer to pictures of lentil loaf and baby dachshunds? Third, doesn’t using the term “porn” in connection with innocuous, fairly wholesome things like vegan snacks and pets (puppy mills notwithstanding) lessen its impact and help normalize the consumption of real pornography in mainstream daily life? Actually, I think the fact that we’re using the word “porn” in so many contexts means the work of normalizing porn culture has already been done, that the acceptance of rampant porn use as a matter of course is already taken for granted.

Well, let me remind you why pictures of food, puppies, hotels, etc. do not qualify as porn. The word “pornography,” as Laurelin recently pointed out, has a very specific meaning:

 

Greek: porne = slave prostitute, raped daily in the public brothels of Athens, graphe= from graphos = I write, depict.

‘Whore’/ ‘porne’ is a misogynistic term, applied to women whom men can abuse with impunity, and near impunity. It comes from the sexual, political and economic subordination of women.

 

When we look at “puppy porn,” we are not looking at the graphic representation of a cultural hatred of puppies. When we look at “food porn,” we aren’t seeing burritos degraded, we aren’t absorbing the message that dumplings are filthy sluts that deserve to have their heads shoved into toilets and their faces ejaculated on. No one is attempting to assert their power over fancy hotel rooms by making hotel rooms suck a dick that’s already been in the hotel room’s ass, all while calling the hotel room a whore and slapping it around. And no beagle, quiche, or deluxe suite has had to pretend it enjoys undergoing serious abuse in order to excite a lascivious audience of “porn” lovers. 

I don’t mean to be gross, but I think people need reminding about what actually goes on in porn, and I think people need reminding that we ought to reserve the use of that word for describing real, actual pornography. I have a step-daughter. She likes pictures of puppies. I don’t want to hear that her desire to look at a photo of a baby dog is somehow equivalent to some piece of shit’s hankering after images of women allowing themselves to be fucked by grown-up dogs. And Moskowitz ought to be ashamed of herself. She claims to be an anarcha-feminist. Can someone tell me how photos of vegan cupcakes equate with images of women’s sexual and economic exploitation? Words matter and shit.

(Oh, and talking about “food porn” and “puppy porn” makes you sound like a fucking dork.)

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Duck season! Rabbit season!

5 Apr

A post at B‘s place has gotten me to thinking. “Sex-positive” types often object to my posts on porn, sexuality, etc. in comments that accuse me of being anti-sex or of attmempting to shame women. They tell me they have fought long and hard for women’s freedom of sexual expression and against the idea that women who like sex are sluts. Did it ever occur to anyone that I take for granted that women’s sexuality ought to be freed from the constraints placed on it by the virgin/whore dichotomy? That I approach everything with the assumption that women’s sexuality should not be a source of shame? It’s foundational and unassailable for me, and so I’ve moved beyond it; I operate under the assumption that we ought to be free to express our sexuality without the fear of being condemned as sluts by the agents of patriarchy. But that doesn’t mean that all sexual activity is inherently feminist. I see three stages of thinking about women’s sexuality: 

  1. Reactionary: People who have absorbed what the patriarchy has to teach about women’s sexual suboordination are frightened by women exercising their sexuality and voicing their desires, so they attempt to shame women who transgress patriarchal norms to force them back into line. 
  2. Libertarian: Anyone with a brain can see that’s bullshit, so many women have fought for our right to participate in and enjoy sex without the fear of recrimination. That’s a good thing, but women’s sexual liberation has yet to be achieved, and sexual libertarianism has led to some problematic ways of looking at things. Many women have absorbed the idea that women’s sexual liberation is the goal, and then have gone on to assume that any sex act a woman might want to participate in is liberating and thus unproblematic and/or unassailable.  
  3. Liberationist: It is taken for granted that women ought to be free to express and explore their sexuality, but that does not mean that sex is a sacred cow and that we have no right to question the morality of a sexual behavior. Does a sex act hinder the cause of women’s wholesale sexual liberation or the progress toward women’s legal, social, and cultural liberation? Does it pose the risk of harm to individual women? A sexual Liberationist would never argue that a sex act ought to be banned or that women ought to not be allowed to participate in whatever activities they deem appropriate, but she might question the choice to do so and the impact that choice has on women as a whole. With freedom comes responsibility, blah blah. 

What often happens is that sexual Libertarians and sexual Liberationists often go in circles, with the Libertarians calling the Liberationists reactionaries and the Liberationists calling the Libertarians sell-outs. I understand the Libertarian viewpoint: the smidgen of sexual freedom we do have has been hard-won, and other women coming in to question what we do with it might seem outrageous coming so close on the heels of our wresting that small bit of freedom away from the phallocrats. But Liberationists want to push things further. We’ve got the freedom to fuck, but how about the freedom to be treated like human beings with sexual desires that might not match up so well with what men want out of us? How about the freedom to develop our sexuality in a world free of misogyny and the message that we ought to be aroused by being used? I wish that these Libertarians would quit pretending they don’t understand the difference between a Liberationist and a Reactionary. If we could all acknowledge each other’s real positions and quit getting caught up in a circle of accusations, we might actually get somewhere. 

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The World Hates People with Vaginas, Part 1: The Donkey Punch

4 Apr

Hello, everyone, and welcome to part one of my new series that will never, ever end, The World Hates People With Vaginas. You see, I hear on an almost daily basis that women have made impressive strides in recent history, that equality is all but a foregone conclusion, that feminism is passe, that I’m living in the past and haven’t noticed just how good we’ve got it these days. We are, the story goes, living in a “post-feminist” society, whatever the fuck that means (I think it means we’re living in a society in which most women have been duped into believing they’ve gotten as much as they’re going to get and ought to be grateful they aren’t in Afghanistan).

Well, I’m here to tell you that feminism is still necessary because the world still hates women. And in order to prove it to you, I’m starting a new series in which I will present to my dear readership and to whatever random assholes get here searching for “6 year old fucking” and “slut bitch cougar fuckers” examples of the overt and flamboyant misogyny that pervades our popular culture. I warn you, this series is going to be fucked up. Real fucked up. It’s designed to force people who are putting their all into denying that misogyny is still a serious problem to consider the idea that they might, in fact, be full of shit.

So, let’s roll.

You know what I recommend you never, ever do? Peruse Urban Dictionary. I recommend that you avoid that URL for a very good reason: it’s the most terrifyingly misogynistic website on Earth. I mean it, dude. It’s nothing but page upon page upon page of descriptions of various methods of sexual assault and abuse written by fifteen-year-old rapists and voted upon by thirteen-year-old rapists-in-training. And the implication is that these miscreants have either done what they’re describing or wish they could. I understand that these things are more often than not nothing but teenage bravado and bullshit, but that somehow doesn’t decrease the “holy shit, thank god I’m not fifteen anymore” factor. Why not, you ask? Because these descriptions abound, because they’re saturated with dehumanization and hatred, and they’re clearly not arousing much disapproval, if one can judge anything by the thumbs-up vs. thumbs-down ratios the average Urban Dictionary post receives.

Let’s get an example, huh?

The entry for “donkey punch” brings up seven pages of results. Here are some samples:

while banging ur bitch in the anus u proceed to then punch her in the back of the head… if she coughs up blood thats 10 points!!
i fucked my bestfriends bitch and donkey punched the hell out of that bitch
The ratio on that one was 4:1, thumbs-up:thumbs-down. Another charmer:
The lesser known and even lesser appreciated version of the Donkey Punch, wherein you perform the normal acts of a donkey punch but then proceed to grab onto a ceiling fan and swing around over her unconscious body, trying to shit in her mouth.
“Man, sex with Michelle has been getting boring lately”
“Have you tried to donkey punch?”
“Yeah, it doesn’t help.”
“How about the donkey swing?”
“Bitchin!!”
17:9. One more:
Banging a girl doggy style and then moments before you cum, sticking your dick in her ass, and then punching her in the back of the head as hard as you can. This gives a tremendous sensation. But for it to work correctly, the girl must be completely knocked out, so that her asshole tightens up uncontrollably.
Last night, when I got back from the game I donkey punched Jenny, twice.
Apparently the correct spelling bummed people out, because that one only got a 3:2 thumbs-up to thumbs-down ratio. I did find a few posts that garnered more thumbs-down than thumbs-up votes. See this one, for example:
For anybody even remotely considering this stunt (adequately explained in the definitions) or for those who somehow think the idea of a donkey punch is amusing, I have the following opinion from a prosecutor at our local District Attorney’s Office:
Donkey punching is easily indictable as a serious felony on two counts.    First: deadly assault. A blow to the back of the head is can easily cause a severe or fatal brain stem injury; even no-holds-barred professional fights ban it.

Second: it is rape, pure and simple. The logic of this would be easily understood by any jury. The object and motivation of donkey punching is clear and unambiguous: it is to render the victim unconscious and thus incapable of saying “NO” to something the victim would ordinarily and vigorously object to.

Our office, given proper evidence would, with great eagerness and determination, prosecute a case such as this. The probability of conviction would be virtually certain. Furthermore, we could convincingly argue that the perpetrator(s) are to be regarded as dangerous sex criminals and thus pose a clear community danger while awaiting trial. Few judges would deny our argument that the perpetrators should be imprisoned while awaiting trial.

In addition, there is ample precedence for conviction of those encouraging these crimes on separate felony crimes of aiding and abetting a sexual assault. A viewing of Jody Foster’s “The Accused”, based on an actual rape conviction, should make this plain to people.

In the case of a prearranged or planned assault, an additional and more serious charge of conspiracy would be added to the indictment.

774:827. Apparently the denizens of Urban Dictionary don’t wanna hear from anyone who thinks women are human.

Do I need to analyze this little example of why this world is still a shitty place in which to be female for anyone? I realize that the majority of the people who fuck around on Urban Dictionary are adolescent virgins who listen to nu metal and run around with Aqua Teen Hunger Force t-shirts on, and hence never have and quite possibly never will have the opportunity to attempt a donkey punch on a sex partner, but that isn’t the point. These posts illustrate the fact that hating women is not only still accepted and encouraged among young people, but that it’s now become an extreme sport. There are no less than 47 gleeful descriptions on this website of an act (and it’s just one of hundreds of thousands) that is nothing short of battery and rape in language so hateful and degrading that I’ll go ahead and call it hate speech. (I know, I’m such a fag.) Even if none of the little assholes who wrote or voted on any of these posts has actually attempted to carry out the act, there’s still the little problem that people are openly encouraging rape and behaving as if it were the funniest shit of all time in a public forum that gets 12 million hits a month. One can only imagine what kind of shit the adolescent girls of the world are having to deal with these days and will have to suffer at the hands of these dicks as they get older and become sexually active. But let’s also not forget that adolescent boys alone can’t account for 12 million hits a month.

To sum up, just in case anybody missed it, the goal in this little act of sexual assault is to rape a woman anally, and then to knock her out when she protests, because it purportedly feels good. Male pleasure, once again, comes at the cost of female suffering, and, quite honestly, looks as though it also derives therefrom. I wonder, really I do: could porn have anything to do with the escalation in the violence and degradation in teenage boys’ fantasies? Nah, couldn’t be. They come up with this shit on their own, I’m sure, because adolescent boys are so imaginative and creative.

Women in our society have achieved some legal rights, so misogyny’s over, right? The widespread cultural acceptance of the hatred of women is no big deal, because we prosecute rape sometimes, right? Pornography has no real impact on women’s lives because it’s pure fantasy, completely separate from the way people think about the world and interact with others, right? Whatever, dude. Tell that to this poor woman (73:29; I’m assuming the up votes are from the few outraged women on the site and from young dudes who think her suffering is just hilarious):

first, to the one that said no one actualy donkey punches, that is not tru. when i was in colege, a guy i hooked up with donkey punched me and i had to go to the hospital. i got brain damage. thatnk you, for that. anyway, a donkey punch is when a guy punches the girl in the back of the head and its sposed to make you have an orgasam. it doesnt work, and i cant telll you enogh not to do it.

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