Good news, everybody! It’s now OK to watch MTV! Why, might you ask? Because it turns out that MTV is not actually the vanguard of society’s descent into a swirling abyss of Monster Energy Drink, chocolate-scented Axe, Clearasil, and chlamydia. No, it actually turns out that the executives over at Viacom, taking note of the success of the Colbert Report, have decided to try out satire on one of their other networks and have geared MTV’s programming at satirizing the vapidity and misogyny of American culture. Don’t believe me? Get thee over to their website and peep a few episodes of A Double Shot at Love with the Ikki Twins. (I recommend the sixth one.)
It has to be satire, right? Right? RIGHT!?!?!
For those of you who can’t stomach the 20 minutes’ worth of Proactiv commercials one must suffer through in the course of an hour of MTV viewing and are wondering what the samhill I’m talking about, I’ll sum it up by saying that MTV has found a way to make an entire season of television out of the concept behind those “And twins!” Coors Light commercials. You know the ones I’m talking about. They are, quite simply, the most embarrassing thing American culture (which is basically nothing but a giant pile of advertisements) has ever, ever produced. When I’m overseas and meet people from other countries, I cross my fingers and wish upon stars that they’ve never seen these commercials. I often lie awake at night wondering whether the leaders of other nations that possess nuclear weapons have seen these commercials, terrified that they have and are seriously considering nuking the United States in order to protect the rest of the world from our inferior genetic stock and our cretinous culture. Just watch this shit:
Holy shit is right. But it isn’t as if Coors Brewing Co. was the first entity to broach the bizarre subject of dudes thrusting beer bottles up in the air and grabbing their dicks while yelling, “Wooohoooo, gimme some pooosay!” over a set of twins. For as long as I can remember, I’ve been utterly bewildered by the oft-referenced obsession men have with getting the chance to bang twin sisters. I mean, shit, there’s even an episode of Fantasy Island about it. But I never really gave it much thought and just assumed, as I am wont to do, that it couldn’t possibly mean what I thought it meant, that there’s no way people are that gross. Well, people… oh, wait, I mean MEN — are that gross.
MTV’s producers, apparently unsatisfied with the level of salaciousness they had achieved with A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila (see my take on that show here), decided to “step it up” with the new season of the show. Apparently the already completely insane premise of the original show, that a woman who had spent several years turning herself into the one of world’s most well-known and least interesting sex objects had decided to pretend that she was bisexual and was looking for love, just wasn’t ridiculous or offensive enough for MTV. This time, MTV replaced Ms. Tequila with the Ikki twins, two former Hooters waitresses (I swear, both of them worked at Hooters) and car magazine models. That’s right, phony bisexuality wasn’t enough; they had to throw some implied incest into the mix. Because dudes love fake boobs, fake lesbians, fake fingernails, fake blond hair, AND TWINS!
I have to digress for a second. What is the fucking deal with dudes being into twins? Could it actually be that men delight in the idea that women would be willing to commit incest for their viewing pleasure? Goddamn it, I hope not. But I think that’s it. I mean, the majority of male sexuality in this culture revolves around domination and degradation, which is where the male desire to see women pretend to be gay, submit to unenjoyable sex acts, etc. comes from, so it’s only logical, but I really don’t want to believe it.
Back to the Ikki twins. I know it’s hard to believe, but these two women objectify themselves much, much more aggressively than Tila Tequila does, and they’ve got absolutely no sense of irony about it whatsoever. Check out this quote from their bio:
Get ready to meet the Ikki Twins – sexy, spunky and spontaneous, these bisexual twins are double the trouble and double the fun. Being that Rikki was born just a few seconds before her sister, she and Vikki have been inseparable since birth. The girls complete each other’s sentences and even their own father can’t tell them apart!!
Born in Pennsylvania, the twins’ family moved around a lot, living in nine different states before finally settling in Southern California. It was there the girls had two life-changing events – they began modeling and they realized they were both bisexual!!
Rikki was the first to discover that she was interested in girls – in fact she was attracted to girls before guys! Trying to follow “the rules” of society, Rikki suppressed her interest in girls and instead dated guys. But her attraction for women never went away. Rikki kept it private as long as she could, until the day that Vikki admitted that she was also attracted to women and in fact a bisexual. It was that conversation that gave Rikki the comfort she needed to come out as a bi-sexual as well.
At the same time they were learning each other’s secret, both girls were working as waitresses at a local Hooters. No one there could tell them apart, so in an effort to not call the girls the wrong names, they were nicknamed the Ikkis! It was also there that their lives changed forever! One day a coworker asked them to pose for a motorcycle website. As luck would have it, talent manager Dove happened to see those photos and the rest is history!!
Isn’t it cool! They’re both bisexual!!! Isn’t that awesome? Dudes like bisexuals! Especially dudes who like motorcycles and Hooters hot wings!!! Isn’t it lucky that they’re twins, that they’re both hot, and that they’re both bisexual!?! Rad! And who needs “the rules” of society? That shit’s gay (real gay, not hot gay).
Tila Tequila spent two entire seasons on the show proving to the young adult world that nothing is more important than getting people to want to fuck you (other than being on TV, of course) and that sexual manipulation is the only thing worth being good at. But Tila Tequila, as gross as she and her show might have been, was at least aware of how absurd the concept of the show was. Ms. T might be an embarrassment to womankind, and she might be the narcissistic, patriarchy-approved sell-out of the century, but she’s not stupid and she’s probably not evil. One got the distinct impression that she knew that there was something odd and kind of sad about asking 24 people to repeatedly humiliate themselves on national television for the chance to get naked and have empty sex with a woman with a barbed-wire strewn heart tattoo that says “C’est la vie!” in the middle. While it was obvious that she enjoyed the idea that they were willing to do so, you could also tell she felt a little sorry for them. And while she made the ridiculous claim that her show deserved the credit for the California Supreme Court’s decision to allow gay marriage (before Prop. 8), it was obvious that she wasn’t actually bisexual and that she knew that very few of the women on the show were actual lesbians. And that she knew the whole thing was a big game.
Not so with these two. They’ve gotten down with the titillation plan to the point where they truly believe that catering to male fantasies is a legitimate sexual orientation and that anyone who disagrees is a closed-minded bigot.
On to the show.
The first episode begins with two crates being airlifted by helicopter into the driveway of the McMansion in which the contestants for the twins’ vaginas — I mean hearts — will be living. One of the crates is blue and the other is pink (natch). Inside the crates are twelve men and twelve women, all waiting to see who the hot chick they’ll be competing for is. Mind you, they’ve got no idea they’re there for twins yet. As the crates come down, the men are hopping up and down like a bunch of Red Bull-saturated simians, screaming and yelling for a glimpse of the poontang (I’m sure I heard the word “poontang”). One of the twins comes out to greet the two crates and lets the women out first. The women squeal with excitement at being on television or whatever, and then the twin orders the box of men opened. The men come out and actually pump their fists downward and together in that stupid bodybuilder pose and bark like they’ve just seen Arsenio Hall in order to illustrate just how pumped they are that they might get the chance to pork the chick they see in front of them. But they don’t know the half.
The 24 contestants spend the evening trying to impress the woman they’re there to compete for, completely unaware that every time she leaves the room, it’s actually her twin sister that comes back to hang out. Makeoutery occurs, blah blah. The next day, one twin gets everyone together for a pool party (woooo, bikinis!!) and makes the announcement that she was born with another part. (Ha! Get it? She made the dudes think she used to have a dick! Sick!) Then the other twin comes out. The reaction from the men makes the previous evening’s ape impressions look dignified, while the women just look sort of shocked. Mind you, at this point the implication is that whoever wins the contest is going to be having sex with both twins. Seriously.
So, for about five episodes the twins force the contestants to humiliate themselves in various ways in order to stay on the show (bowl of goat dicks, anyone?) and make out with everyone in sight at every possible opportunity in between pole dancing sessions. Nothing new (I mean, is there a show on MTV that doesn’t include pole dancing and chicks making out?). But once they get down to the last few contestants, they really start going off, because now that they’ve separated the wheat from the chaff and whittled it down to two girls and two boys (isn’t it odd how that worked out?), it’s time to get serious. In what might be the most insane hour of television ever broadcast, they go to visit the families of the four remaining contestants, Scotty, Trevor, Rosie, and Rebecca.
At Trevor’s house, things get a little weird. His parents, it is noted, are religious and conservative. When they are taken aback that their son has brought home two “bisexual” twins who look like they just got in from a porn shoot, they’re branded reactionaries and told that their objections are akin to racism, that they’re completely backward and unreasonable. It almost blew my mind to see such an obvious refusal on the part of everyone involved to call attention to what was really going on. You see, the parents might be dicks for having a problem with bisexuality, but that wasn’t the deal. They were visibly worried that their son was being manipulated by two incestuous strippers, but everyone pretended that their disapproval stemmed from homophobia. It was unbelievable. The twins, noting how uncomfortable Trevor’s parents were, offered to help Trevor’s mother do the dishes, then proceeded to purposely bend over repeatedly and expose their entire asses to Trevor’s mother and father, both of whom looked as if they were about to die of embarrassment. They were purposely behaving wildly inappropriately, but the message was that the only shameful element of the entire encounter was the fact that the parents disapproved. Come on. Who the fuck wouldn’t disapprove of their child bringing someone home who made lewd sexual comments and bared their ass all night?
I thought it couldn’t get more ridiculous, but then they went to Rosie’s house. Rosie is a go-go dancer in Staten Island. Rosie’s cousin is an actual lesbian. Rosie’s mother has never heard anything about her daughter being gay before. Watching a room full of people each try to pretend not to be offended or flabbergasted by a different thing was actually really entertaining, but I ended up feeling sorry for everyone but the dog, whom the twins hated because Rosie paid too much attention to it (which is a big no-no). The twins, here noting that Rosie’s mother was a bit disconcerted by the announcement that her daughter was a lesbian, scooted over to Rosie and planted a sloppy, lengthy, lascivious kiss on her, as if daring her mother to object and thus prove that she was a homophobe. It was absolutely obscene, an obvious provocation.
The visit with Rebecca’s family was fairly uneventful, but then they went to Scotty’s house, where they had their most successful family visit. Scotty is quite possibly the biggest tool on Earth. His favorite adjective to use to describe the twins was “smokin’,” and when they took him to Las Vegas in the seventh episode, he jumped out of the limo at the hotel and yelled, “Vegas, baby!” while doing the bodybuilder pose mentioned above. He’s from New Jersey (surprise, surprise), and he took the twins there to meet his bros, all of whom have nicknames (Ill Will, Pistol Pete, and Big Chris — I swear), and his family. The twins wore red headbands as skirts and matching red bra tops with tassels all over them, which would come in handy when they got Scotty’s mother and aunt, who are Jewish, to do the “Hava Nagila” and to drink Manischevitz body shots from between their breasts (I’m not kidding). The twins basically offered to fuck Scotty’s parents during dinner and spent the entire evening shaking their tits all over the place. They even leaned out the windows of the SUV as they left the house and shook their tasseled breasts at his family while waving goodbye. Check out the episode highlights.
In the end it came down to Trevor and Rebecca. I know it’s a shock that it came down to a boy and a girl, but it did. The deal was that the twins would each choose which of the remaining two they were in love with, and if they ended up choosing the same person, then that person would have to choose between them (MTV must’ve gotten a lot of complaints from outraged parents, without which I truly believe they would have had the winner walk away with both twins). They both chose Trevor, he chose one of them, the couple lived happily ever after. Try not to faint.
There are several problems here:
- No one on this show save a few of the women who were kicked off in the early episodes is actually a lesbian or bisexual. It’s all a show, and one that’s being put on to titillate a male audience and a female audience that has been conditioned to conceive of its own sexuality in terms of what gives men boners. Isn’t it neat how in the end the twins both chose a man, thus reassuring the universe that everything’s still alright, that men needn’t fear that women can do without them?
- This show is openly promoting the idea that incest is hot, as long as it’s between two women (but two guys doing it is grooooss!). Apparently there’s no form of degradation that is too outrageous to ask women to submit to and pretend to like — ON NATIONAL TELEVISION in front of an audience of adolescents.
- Why would anyone be willing to eat a sheep’s eye in order to ingratiate themselves with a pair of morally repugnant assholes who’ve constructed their self-worth around how successfully they can use their “sexuality” to manipulate people? It’s ridiculous that people should be engaging in contests for affection, even if that affection does come in the form of a porn fantasy.
- I realize that a large proportion (if not all) of the women on this show were there to get exposure on television. Why is there a seemingly unlimited supply of women willing to pretend to be gay, expose themselves, and repeatedly degrade themselves in front of a national audience for a minuscule chance at Z-list celebrity? That was a rhetorical question.
- It’s absurd that the producers of this show are pretending that this parade of narcissism, humiliation, and vapidity is about “finding love.” In fact, it’s ridiculous that they’re claiming it’s about anything but a bunch of warped, shallow people seeking whatever kind of power appeals most to them (the power to use women for the men, and the power to give men boners for the women).
- The idea that anyone who objects to this steaming pile of misogyny, objectification, dehumanization, degradation, and indignity is a bigot is incredible. There’s nothing I hate more than hearing people who are behaving like immoral shitheads co-opting the language of the oppressed to defend their behavior in the face of completely justified outrage.
These twins are completely evil, though I don’t know whose fault that is. They’re fulfilling the expectations of a porn-sick, frat boy-centered society at every possible level. They’ve absorbed the message that women’s power lies in our ability to induce boners, so they’re exercising that power while they have it. I get it, but it’s terrifying. Every time the twins got the slightest inkling that someone was paying attention to anything or anyone besides themselves, they became visibly incensed. They wouldn’t brook anyone in the house forming attachments to anyone but themselves, which they proved by forcing the contestants to stab life-size cardboard cutouts of their fellow housemates with giant butcher knives. In the course of this show, people ate animals’ penises, licked several pounds of frosting off of a mannequin, dressed up as animals and tried to sell themselves to the twins by saying things like, “I’m a duck and I like to fuck,” allowed their parents to be sexually harassed and even physically molested, got into fist fights that resulted in their asses being exposed on national television, and who the fuck knows what else, all in order to get the chance to be on television and/or fuck a pair of evil twins. I’m pretty sure that means we’ve either hit rock bottom, or that we can expect to see people doing anal on the next season of A Shot at Love.