Big News: Nine Deuce is Kind of a Sellout

6 Jan

I’m getting married to Davetavius.  Because of this post. OK, not really because of that post, but I’m serious. I know that’s apparently a controversial decision for a radical feminist, but I promise it’ll be, like, a totally revolutionary kind of marriage. He’s going to be doing the chores and everything.

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38 Responses to “Big News: Nine Deuce is Kind of a Sellout”

  1. gare January 6, 2009 at 3:27 PM #

    congrats! i knew you werent THAT radical

    STOP right now this chores stuff. NOBODY CARES who does the chores. I am learning after being married in a north detroit chapel in 1975 how to slow cook stuff .. the dishwasher i can totally run far better than my dear bride.

    I knew you were a softy. So is twisty really, she has a soft spot for deer. 92.. wait till you see the look on the face of your young daughter or son on xmas morning .. you might start questioning the ‘voluntary extinction’ society.

    Porn is declining. Nobody cares when saturated with stuff. I have a typical hormone supercharged 18 yearold male on the premises and he could care less what women look like . hes all over the MLG (and if you dont know what that stands for, you are TOTALLY out of touch) website .. i find him late at night on the phone with females, but its all about .. after we finish grad school

    radical means change mindsets. jesus did that. for chrissakes. yes.. for christ sakes.

    sex is NOT anything to worry about. trust me. its mundane ..

    congrats. gare

    • Nine Deuce January 6, 2009 at 7:15 PM #

      gare – I’m not having any kids. Let’s not get carried away here.

  2. RenegadeEvolution January 6, 2009 at 5:55 PM #

    Congrats!

  3. Kindness January 7, 2009 at 1:43 AM #

    Congratulations!

    I wish you much happiness, and I’m sure you can make it totally fantabulous radical feminist marriage!

    Marriage. We can choose to redefine it – and improve it.

    I hope your life with Davetavius is filled with joy!

  4. Peridot January 7, 2009 at 1:48 AM #

    When I was married (too young) I also thought I would have a feminist marriage. But the whole situation not set up for equality (from the tax laws to the social customs and all the family and friends—especially his, watch out—who will vigilantly try to enforce traditional marriage guidelines on you anyway). If you’re not having kids and planning to quit your job, I see ZERO benefit for a woman to be married.

    When I lived with somebody without being married, the world pretty much stayed out of our business. So I’m curious why on earth you’re doing this. Why not just live together?

    • Nine Deuce January 7, 2009 at 7:12 AM #

      Peridot – I was also married once (and likely too young as well, as it didn’t work out). That marriage was about as feminist as one can be – his family was extremely liberal and full of feminists, and not a single one of them ever questioned any of the independent decisions I made (not having kids, traveling alone for long periods of time, going to college) nor the fact that he did most of the housework. It was a positive experience, although one that didn’t work out. I’ve chosen to do so this time for a complicated set of personal reasons that are much different from the reasons I got married at 24.

      I know the laws and social customs are set up against women and I generally oppose marriage on those grounds, but we both come from very liberal/strange families and are very odd and independent people, so our families over the years have learned not to question our decisions. Some may do a lot of shrugging, but they support us. I know it’s corny, but it’s about the gesture rather than the benefits. I don’t think marriage benefits women in the sense that most people conceive of it, but I think it can mean different things to different people, and I’ve spent a long time thinking about whether I’m doing it for the right reasons. I know Twisty would say I’m kidding myself, but I really do think I can do it differently.

      A few examples: there’ll be no “giving away” of the bride, there’ll be no name change (though it would be funny, as his last name is the same as my first name), there’ll be no bachelor/ette parties, no bridal showers. There’ll be none of the usual trappings of a wedding except us meeting our friends in a park one day, telling them and each other we’re glad to have found someone as equally strange and iconoclastic as ourselves, then continuing on as we do now. Which means we’ll be partners but remain extremely independent and that other people will play a very small role in our dealings with each other and how we conduct our relationship. As to just living together, the funny thing is, we won’t live together at all, and we won’t even live in the same city but for a few months a year (at least until I finish my PhD).

  5. Claire January 7, 2009 at 6:58 AM #

    ND –

    Congratulations, I guess. Honestly I can’t get excited for anyone getting married until everyone can get married (and honestly I think marriage should be abolished), but if this will make you happy…go for it.

    I’ve got a son and I love him dearly, but I’ll tell you straight out not to have children. Adopt if you must, but do. not. breed. You won’t regret it if you do, but you will get a much more up close and personal view of patriarchy and the focused nastiness of patriarchal culture than you ever wanted, indeed imagined was possible.

    Parenting can be very rewarding, and it is (as your soon-to-be husband can probably tell you ;)). I’m there. It is also unspeakably difficult. It’s not supposed to be, it shouldn’t be, but it is…especially and particularly for women. Patriarchy makes sure of it. Don’t do it.

    Anyway, congrats again, and glad you’ve resumed posting.

    Much love,

    CJ.

    • Nine Deuce January 7, 2009 at 7:18 AM #

      Claire – I never plan to have kids. Ever. D. has a great daughter who I’m pretty close with, and my limited exposure to her development has shown me a bit of what you’ve mentioned here, but that’ll be the limit of my experience with childrearing.

  6. isme January 7, 2009 at 8:13 AM #

    Congrats!

  7. crankosaur January 7, 2009 at 1:29 PM #

    WHA?!
    Wow, that was pretty surprising. Congrats! I’m sure any marriage of yours will be appropriately awesome, and your getting married makes me feel better about my own inevitible selling out!

  8. Laurel January 7, 2009 at 2:55 PM #

    I see zero benefit to a woman’s being married as well, but congrats and best wishes.

    Also–prove me wrong! (Please. I’m starting to worry about my cynicism levels.)

    • Nine Deuce January 7, 2009 at 3:09 PM #

      Like I said, I don’t particularly think there’s much benefit in it either, rather than not having to deal with legal bullshit should something happen to one of us, but it’s about the gesture. It really is about a gesture and that’s it. And I promise, this marriage is going to be punk as fuck.

  9. KBO January 7, 2009 at 4:32 PM #

    Congrats. Please encourage him to blog more, because that Alabama/Roll Tide post is probably the most brilliant fucking thing I’ve read recently. Sounds like a keeper.

  10. Ilana January 7, 2009 at 6:38 PM #

    To Peridot:
    There are many reasons to marry, even if you’re not leaving your job or procreating. What if one of the partners dies? The surviving party may not have next of kin status. What if one party falls into a coma? The other party may be unauthorised to make decisions about medical care, despite agreements made within the couple previously. It’s all about legality.
    (These are reasons, by the by, many gay couples want to marry, even if both are working and neither wants children.)

  11. L January 8, 2009 at 6:52 AM #

    Hey, congratulations. Have fun!

  12. Jeyoani January 8, 2009 at 7:16 PM #

    I don’t judge anybody for getting married, I think it’s none of my business. I probably wouldn’t, but not for any reasons that I’ve even thought of too long or hard. I’ve never met marriage material, and even if I did, I’m a triple Sagittarius so I still doubt it could happen. But I’ve seen some good marriages. I think it’s ridiculous though all the people who say “don’t marry/procreate” — who have done so. It’s so paternalistic. People have to do their own thing. Though, I do think the world is set up against mothers and that you will learn a new kind of misogyny if you become a mom. My sis in laws who had two kids each between ages of 19-22, griped about it throughout our twenties, but now that they’re 32 and 34, they’re all happy they did it young! So whatevs, people change their minds all the time.
    I think overpopulation is at least a little and possibly a lot of jive as well, but, I probably won’t be procreating either.
    Gloria married, and even Dworkin was married- and *to a man*. When radical feminists can’t be real about their decisions for fear of judgement or losing cred it’s just a loss. (I’m speaking of Dworkin here.) The main reason I can see not marrying is out of respect for lesbians and gays, but beyond that, I just don’t care. The set up is patriarchy-centered crap, but there are ways to subvert those things and enjoy the good things.

    I knew this lady though who was this stereotype of a feisty, sorta cranky, old industry (Hollywood) lady, she was an agent. She was listening to me and two gay co workers talk relationships. My coworkers were both in the middle of breaking up with boyfriends. She gave us her story, that she’d married at 16, divorced at 20ish, said “never doing that again”, and that all her relationships since then had been long term. She would meet up at the Starbucks with this man who was clearly in love with her, he’d always get her a muffin, have me set it aside for her. And he’d wait til she showed up to drink his coffee. Anyway. She said she’d been with him seven years, and had been with her boyfriend before him 15 years and the only reason that relationship had ended was because that man had died. She said all her relationships besides the marriage had been good and long term. She said, “You wanna know the secret to a good relationship with men?
    -Don’t live with ‘em.” Ha. :)
    Anyway sorry this was so long and congrats Nine Deuce. :) Btw I can’t thank you enough for your ongoing chapters on porn culture, etc. THe “Prudishness Vs Dudishness” one is especially good. Did you hear how Flynt wants a 5 billion adult entertainment bailout from the government? I hope someday you make your chapters into a book.

  13. ThedaBara January 8, 2009 at 10:52 PM #

    Congrats. My partner and I got married mainly because that was the only way for me to get benefits from the military-
    If that had not been the case, we both agreed we’d be just as happy living together.

    I wish the best to the both of you! =)

  14. syndicalist702 January 8, 2009 at 11:57 PM #

    w00t! Congrats, homie! If you’re anything like my s.o. and me, you’ll keep each other in check.

    I’m a much smarter person because of her. I’m sure she feels the same way.

  15. sonia January 9, 2009 at 12:47 AM #

    92-

    I thought you were joking when I read this. I’m like “when is she going to smack down all these fools?”

    right.

    dude! congrats :) that’s awesome

  16. sonia January 9, 2009 at 12:49 AM #

    and you still are THAT radical…

  17. Genevieve January 10, 2009 at 8:02 PM #

    Congratulations Nine Deuce! I hope you’re happy together!

  18. Patricia January 12, 2009 at 11:24 AM #

    I don’t see anything wrong with marriage. It’s really a symbolic gesture, I think.

    For some, that works, for others, it’s silly and they’re perfectly happy just committing for life. No problem with that.

    I enjoy being married but it’s really no different from when we were living together except for the fact that now we have a contractual agreement and I get benefits like his medical aid and lower insurance.

    So I really don’t think marriage is a big deal these days.

    By the way, nine deuce, you said you want no ceremony, but check out http://www.offbeatbride.com. Even just as something to do when you’re bored.

    And congratulations.

  19. Amananta January 12, 2009 at 4:01 PM #

    Congrats on getting married! I would add my words of caution mainly to be – do not become dependent. Keep your own checking account, finances, job/career, intact. From someone who knows… oh too well…

  20. Nine Deuce January 12, 2009 at 5:51 PM #

    Thanks, and I would agree 100% with your recommendation. I don’t plan on being dependent on anyone, ever.

  21. gare January 14, 2009 at 7:18 PM #

    gare – I’m not having any kids. Let’s not get carried away here.

    i thought i’d actually try to answer, im not good at blogs, my 18 yearold that i wasnt gonna have either laughs at me. WHERE IS THE MP3 alblum cover i ask the kid … next i’d like you to join the southern baptists ND .. accept JC as your savior, and come on a mission with me to east asia. or at least do like im doing, slow cookers … this is the ANSWER TO DINNER .. i got a slow cooker cookbook for xmas … fix it and forgit it .. THIS IS THE ANSWER!

    gare was pressing his luck.

    i am still SO HAPPY FOR YOU!!!!!! cept your husband looks REAL WEIRD …. gare

  22. jo22 January 14, 2009 at 8:29 PM #

    No! Don’t do it! Think of a different gesture!
    All the best, though, if you do.

  23. Greenconsciousness January 14, 2009 at 10:20 PM #

    I read the Dave post on football and football culture. I think he is a good choice for a mate to a feminist.

  24. Anna Belle January 17, 2009 at 4:31 AM #

    I normally lurk, but wanted to congratulate you. Can’t wait to see what you think of married life. I took the plunge 14 months ago, and my reviews are mixed. I’m glad I did it, but it’s a gamechanger.

    Good luck to you and Davetavius. Not that it matters, but I approved based on the humor and wit of the linked post. May you have a fabulous future together.

  25. Anna Belle January 17, 2009 at 4:37 AM #

    Oh, advice: we had a backyard wedding, which was simple and cheap enough. I wanted a justice of the peace at the courthouse, but was talked out of it. I wish I’d done it my way. If you don’t want a ceremony, don’ t have one.

  26. Sis January 17, 2009 at 11:37 AM #

    It can be very radical to make a committment to another person. We all need to do this, in whatever way we can manage. Good luck, best wishes for lots of happiness and love.

    And here’s something I thought you might be interested in:

    http://www.theglobeandmail.com/servlet/story/LAC.20090117.BCBUTT17/TPStory/National

  27. Rachael January 17, 2009 at 12:41 PM #

    Congratulations! Best of wishes!

  28. Aine January 18, 2009 at 3:13 AM #

    Congratulations!

    You’re making marriage your own thing, don’t worry about what anyone says. (not that you do!)

    Good luck to the both of you!

  29. gare January 21, 2009 at 3:41 PM #

    I don’t plan on being dependent on anyone, ever.

    this is why you will never find peace. on your deathbed, you will try to WILL IT AWAY.

    wontcha. g

  30. Nine Deuce January 23, 2009 at 3:10 AM #

    gare – Being financially dependent on someone is a great way to introduce weird and inappropriate elements into a relationship. No thanks.

  31. Patricia January 23, 2009 at 5:02 AM #

    Yeah, gare, being dependent doesn’t bring peace, being INdependent brings peace. Because then you can do whatever the hell you want.

    I’m married, we each kept our own names, we both earn enough to be on our own if need be, and contribute equally to the household. THAT is my view of the perfect marriage.

  32. m Andrea February 7, 2009 at 3:50 AM #

    I am considering marriage also, but still haven’t found the right undectable poison…

    Sorry to say but I suspect you won’t be a radfem for much longer. Pretty soon you’ll be reminding us how “some guys are nice” and letting wutzhiznym write blog posts because you’re too busy washing his socks…

    • Nine Deuce February 7, 2009 at 4:07 AM #

      I’ve actually gotten more radical since I’ve known this dude, which I think might be a good sign. I’ve got no illusions that he’s somehow avoided absorbing what our little society has to teach, but he’s willing to think about it, which is something. I think it might help that he hates men more than I do and that everyone is positive that he’s gay (those are my two favorite traits, if one can judge by my male friends and the dudes I’ve dated). He may still be a Nigel, but he actually says something when other dudes say gross shit, tells people porn isn’t cool or hip, etc. I’ve heard reports from other dudes that he’s “prissy” because he tells them not to be crass gynophobes. And as for the sock washing, it’ll be hard to do from 700 miles away, since I live in New York and he lives in Atlanta and it’s going to stay that way for the foreseeable future. I’m not having babies, I’m not merging bank accounts, and I’m not going to be dependent.

      We’re not dressing up, we’re not wearing rings, no one’s giving me away, there’ll be no misogynistic ceremony that speaks of duty, and we’ll not be contributing any money to the wedding-industrial complex. No cake, no caterers, no flowers, no nothing. It’s basically an excuse to get together with people we care about in a park and tell them we’re happy to have found someone to not fit in with.

      It may sound like apologia, but I think it’ll be alright. And there’s always lesbian training camp should it fail.

  33. DaisyDeadhead February 28, 2009 at 4:37 PM #

    Well, I can’t criticize you, since I have been married three times–and this last marriage has lasted 21 years. I am very pleased with Mr Daisy, a very nice and peaceful man, as men go.

    But certainly, I can’t participate in traditional, legal, heteropatriarchal marriage while pointing my arrogant and judgmental finger at other women’s arrangements with patriarchy, in that case. That would simply be laughable.

    Of course, YMMV. :)

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