Comments on: BDSM (the sexual equivalent of being into Renaissance faires) Part 1: Some Background and a Few Warnings

By: how bdsm is like renaissance faires « Devastating Yet Inconsequential

how bdsm is like renaissance faires « Devastating Yet Inconsequential — Sun, 29 Mar 2009 19:06:28 +0000

[...] No Comments I really thought Nine Deuce was going to get around to answering the question of how BDSM is like Renaissance faires, but she never did (at least that I saw). And it’s a shame, because even though I initially [...]

By: Jon

Jon — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 06:55:14 +0000

I have never read this blog before, I generally avoid all blogs like the plague, but my girlfriend sent me to this particular set of entries, and I decided to leave a post of each page for the series.
I am going to be right upfront. I am a lifestyle male dominant and have been for going on 9 years now (I am 26 as of posting this). In that time, I have made a lot of friends in the lifestyle and I wanted to start by talking about your method of data collecting, much as Charlie did.
Firstly, most of the people who actually are in the scene do Very Little online dating. Most of the people who do, are posers, people who are all into the image of S&M with very little follow through. What you got most likely was people who dig the fantasy of having a girl to satisfy their every whim without the respect.
And yes, I just used the word respect when it comes to S&M. (Also, you show a lack of respect likening S&M to Renn Faire enthusiasts. Was it your intent to ostracize two social groups at once?) Respect is the key to an S&M relationship at all times. Without it, it’s an abusive relationship and little more. I have had respect to every play partner I have ever had.
Your lack of responses on the male ad was more then likely because Female Doms usually have their pick of the litter. They don’t have to look to hard for people that meet their needs and in fact are usually sought after.
Also, like all things on the internet, it needs to be taken with a grain of salt. People are more at ease online, they feel they can say and express things they wouldn’t in a public forum because there is no fear of repercussion.
If you went to a meeting of lifestyle folk, you would have met people like me. I am mild mannered, pleasant, and downright nice. I am respectful, and never make assumptions. I am up front about my interests and if they are not interested, then I am willing to put S&M aside to be with someone I care about. I am not a predator, and a lot of people are surprised when they learn of my interests. I don’t seem the type and if you met me face to face tomorrow, you would never know.
As for assumptions that I am perverted because of my interests, I have to disagree. I’m just as sexually interested as anyone else in the world, I just express it differently then most. Now, you may say that I am a Patriarchal Pervert just by admitting I enjoy sex and think about it, I think that is more the nature of Humanity. We all like sex and think about it. It’s just Human nature, and we all have different tastes.
If you like being on top, does that make you a pervert? Does that mean you are enacting some rite of female supremacy? If you enjoy sex ‘doggy’ style, are you regressing sex to it’s primitive bestial levels? If you have sex in the missionary position is the man forcing you into the submissive position of a relationship? It’s a different strokes for different folks issue.
Well I am done with this post I think. I am gonna read the next page and try to write a shorter response.

By: Nine Deuce

Nine Deuce — Fri, 13 Feb 2009 22:46:13 +0000

That may be how it works in this society, but that isn’t how it has to be. In societies where sex isn’t considered shameful (read: non-monotheistic societies), people don’t associate sex with guilt or hostility. That ought to be the goal.

By: Saret

Saret — Fri, 13 Feb 2009 22:43:19 +0000

“… the point here is that mixing sex with power is a problem, and that in the vast, large, wide, ample, immense, huge majority of cases, men wield the power and exercise it on women. ”

Ah, but in examining sexuality you forget a key and crucial point: sexuality is not rational.

Common sexual fantasies are shaped by taboos and cultural mores, not what people feel they “should” be aroused by, by any set of standards.

The things that people feel ashamed by, or are emotionally charged by – in this case, the wielding of power or the giving up of power – are often what they end up masturbating to.

By: Barry

Barry — Sun, 11 Jan 2009 03:40:58 +0000

Hello.

What am I supposed to do when a girl I like *wants* me to hurt her and degrade her during sex?

I don’t want to hurt anyone I like, but this keeps happening to me. And they always spring it on me after we’ve become intimate.

I don’t want to seem weak or anything, but you know. I’d like to hear your opinion on this.

By: Mary

Mary — Sat, 10 Jan 2009 04:03:19 +0000

I think you would get a more accurate picture of both men and women who actively practice BDSM and the many activities that fall under that activity umbrella by actually talking to men and women who actively practice various forms of BDSM. Putting an ad on CL is sort of skewing your findings. You could probably post an ad about anything sexually related and come away with 400 creepy responses from old horny men.

I think referring to BDSM as the sexual equivalent of the ren fair is a little patronizing and sort of saying the opposite of your post. However, I am rather biased as one who has practiced various forms of BDSM since the age of 17. There are so many different reasons people get into this lifestyle. There are the posers and people who just do it because they think it’s going against the norm and they are trying to make some sort of personal statement about society or what have you.

Are their the creepy lurkers who just want to take advantage of some poor innocent girl? Of course, but there are just as many, if not more, vanilla men who are much of a predator. In fact, and I would love to do official research on this, there are probably fewer “predators” in the BDSM community than outside of it. For the very reasons that Charlie pointed out. There are set rules, guidelines, and expectations for those who want to be members of the BDSM community. You must be Safe, Sane, and consensual. Break any of those rules and you are ostracized for life.

BDSM is hard to wrap your head around even when you are an active practitioner. You are often asking yourself why you are the way you are, what happened while you were growing up to make you the way you are? I think it’s even harder for vanillas because they don’t have that piece inside them that calls to them or drives them to be a part of that D/s dynamic.

By: sonia

sonia — Sat, 20 Dec 2008 18:42:58 +0000

“where Marines could call themselves goth and people who couldn’t get enough of Adam Sandler could get into S&M and buy each other leopard-print fur handcuffs as bridal shower gifts.”

beautiful. :)

By: bdsm and feminism « Devastating Yet Inconsequential

bdsm and feminism « Devastating Yet Inconsequential — Thu, 04 Dec 2008 19:04:57 +0000

[...] Nine Deuce over at Rage Against the Manchine is writing a series on bdsm, which starts with this post. I seriously do not recommend reading it if you are not at least familiar with radical feminist [...]

By: Maggie Hays

Maggie Hays — Thu, 04 Dec 2008 17:47:59 +0000

it wasn’t cool, so I expect any of you I happen to run across to buy me at least four beers to repay me for suffering the trauma

*Hugs* Nine. I can understand your pain.

By: Trinity

Trinity — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 05:45:36 +0000

“I think you have to draw the line between “what I really want” and “what the Patriarchy has brainwashed me to think I want” somewhere.”

Oh, but you’re cheating. If the theory says patriarchy made you do it, that’s that, and you need to “examine” till ya see it!