I sure hope my parents don’t read this.

27 Jul

L posted a comment on my Cosmo post (the comments section of which has gotten a little racy, be warned) that has got me tuh thankin':

Usually, period = blowjob week, at least in my experience.

I for some reason forgot to comment on this before, but it really struck me as odd when I read it (probably at least in part because I’m sure it isn’t the case for L’s radfem self these days). I don’t know very many dudes who would refuse to have sex with a woman when she’s having her period, but assuming there are men who will refuse, I’d hope they wouldn’t expect oral sex. I mean, that’s completely nonreciprocal! (Note my feigned surprise.)

I had a conversation with a male friend once about women having been brainwashed by our culture’s conception of what sex is to the point that women tend to consider their own orgasm a part of foreplay rather than the actual “sex” that is intercourse. I told him that a lot of women don’t assume that they will even be having an orgasm in a sexual encounter, and that many women feel guilty for taking up valuable time with their silly little sexual needs instead of letting the man get on with the “sex” part.

He told me that was ridiculous, and that he’d never have sex with someone who didn’t care whether he came.

That isn’t such a startling concept coming from a dude, but it’s important. It should strike us as just as ridiculous as it struck him that women would be engaging in nonreciprocal sex.

I don’t think women should have sex with men who don’t care whether they have orgasms. The orgasm ratio needs to be equal, if not skewed in the woman’s favor (I mean, we’re the ones who can have multiple orgasms, sheesh). That means that if a dude isn’t into having sex and doing what it takes to give his partner an orgasm when she’s on her period, he ought to just go without until the period’s over, and he CERTAINLY ought not to expect oral sex. There are plenty of ways to make it happen, and if the guy gives a shit about anyone’s pleasure but his own, he’ll figure it out.

And that goes for non-period sex, too. I’m a sexual revolutionary, I know. Get on board with real sex-positive feminism here. I mean, what’s more sex-positive and feminist than demanding orgasmic equality?


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20 Responses to “I sure hope my parents don’t read this.”

  1. bonobobabe July 27, 2008 at 9:38 PM #

    Amen! Orgasms for one and all!

    I remember one time lying in bed with my boyfriend one morning, and I asked him if we had had sex the night before, because I had a vague feeling we did, but I wasn’t sure.

    He said, “Well, you had sex. You fell asleep after your orgasm.”

    Ha, ha. At the time, I apologized (yeah, I know), but now I think it’s fucking hilarious!

  2. L July 27, 2008 at 10:22 PM #

    I should say that I don’t follow through with the implicit assumption that period week = blowjob week, and my current partner doesn’t expect anything while I’m on my period (since we don’t do the deed during my period, mostly because I don’t like to, and also because he doesn’t like to either). The blowjob week expectation comes from previous partners who literally said that, well, couldn’t they get a little, even though I’m out of commission? And for fuck’s sake, I said sure, more often than not. I’m so glad I’m not in those fucking relationships anymore. And I’m so glad I’m a feminist now so that I don’t feel guilty for saying no to nonreciprocal, unfun “sex”.

    HELLS YES to orgasmic equality. I am on board with that.

  3. Nine Deuce July 27, 2008 at 10:50 PM #

    I should have said I assumed that wasn’t your deal these days.

  4. L July 27, 2008 at 11:57 PM #

    That’s cool, I figured most people could infer it from the whole radical feminist thing, but I just wanted to make it clear. :)

  5. Mortality July 28, 2008 at 1:47 AM #

    When I have my period (which doesn’t happen very often) it usually end up with my boyfriend getting oral sex. I don’t like intercourse during my period cos blood stains are a bitch to get out and my boyfriend seriously don’t like the taste of blood. If he accidentally bites his own cheek (from the inside) he’ll be feeling slightly nauseous until it heals.

    When I’m not on my period however, sex often ends up being oral sex for me. So if it’s unfair I got the better deal.

    I do realise my situation isn’t that common :P But the only thing I’m complaining about is how my boyfriend doesn’t get enough orgasms out of it.

  6. psych July 28, 2008 at 4:09 AM #

    I still have a lot to work through before I can get there. Thank God I mustered up the self-esteem to stop getting into relationships with men like that. Unfortunately, getting out of those relationships isn’t enough. I’ve sort of been conditioned into feeling guilty if anything is about me, or even about both of us. I pretty much never orgasm unless I’m on my own, because I’m so focused on pleasing the man I’m with, and even get pretty anxious and panicky about pleasing him. My current boyfriend and my last boyfriend don’t know this about me, because I always do a big, pornilicious fake orgasm.

    I wish I had your self-confidence, Deuce. :-(

  7. Nine Deuce July 28, 2008 at 4:17 AM #

    I’m no stranger to any of these feelings, but talking about them will usually lead to their solution, provided you have a cool partner. I think the first step would be to stop faking. If you do that, any decent dude will pretty much do the rest for you because he’ll want to be reciprocal. And if he doesn’t, then you know to get rid of him.

  8. Amy's Brain Today August 2, 2008 at 12:57 AM #

    I mean, what’s more sex-positive and feminist than demanding orgasmic equality?

    I dunno, maybe realizing that lots of women (some of whom have been sexually traumatized, some of whom haven’t) are not, or not always, orgasmic, and that this kind of relentless emphasis on orgasm can make them feel defective and lacking? Maybe expanding our definition of “sex” to include all kinds of touching and intimate communication that may or may not end in orgasm and that’s definitely not the heteronormative fucking etc. that’s being discussed here?

  9. Nine Deuce August 2, 2008 at 1:01 AM #

    I’m not disagreeing with any of that. I’ve written before that I think our cultural definition of sex is too narrowly focused on orgasm, but this was just a quick response to that original comment.

  10. Black Thirteen August 3, 2008 at 1:24 AM #

    These sorts of discussions always crack me up.

    At least it hasn’t devolved into the typical places it tends to go.

    So, explain what’s so special about women, that a man should put her pleasure first, while she also puts hers first?

    How is that equal, or fair? Oh, it’s not.

    You make this great big argument about how women’s orgasms should be the only ones that matter, and frankly, it’s a joke.

    The only thing more hilarious would be letting it fall to where some feminists do, and saying that blowjobs are degrading, and sexist, and no man should get them, but cunnilingus is feminist and good, and all men should perform it.

    I notice the argument about reciprocity tends to fall out when it comes to oral, though. A lot of women/feminists like to demand getting oral, but aren’t too keen on reciprocating.

    Well, it falls out in general, really. The end place always seems to be “men should only be focused on women’s pleasure, not their own”, but if a man were to say that about a woman, he’d be called misogynist.

    And women wonder why I don’t have any interest in having sex with them.

    • Sugarpuss July 23, 2013 at 10:32 AM #

      I realize this is old as hell but I just had to comment. :P

      And women wonder why I don’t have any interest in having sex with them.

      Who’s wondering? It’s perfectly obvious (to me, at least) that you’re a closet case.

  11. Nine Deuce August 3, 2008 at 1:27 AM #

    Way to miss the point. I never said women’s orgasms are all that should matter, but rather that they ought to happen as often as men’s do. What, exactly, is unreasonable about expecting that?

    The reason female orgasms ought to happen first is that men become fairly useless after they’ve had one, while women do not. Duh.

  12. Jess August 8, 2008 at 3:33 AM #

    I don’t think men should *expect* a blowjob, any more than we should expect the same, but in my opinion, part of a good relationship is selflessly giving to the other person. And I enjoy giving my boyfriend oral sex during period week, because that means I get the same whenever I get off my period.

  13. Odium October 10, 2008 at 1:58 PM #

    Psh, BJ’s are patriarchal anyway. Why would you wanna expose yourself to all the awful sights, sounds, smells and tastes associated with it? Objectively, I guess cunnilingus isn’t any great shakes for the giver either…hell, if this was bizarro world and we all lived in an oppressive matriarchy, it might just be a tool of gender authority too.

    Meh, none of my business either way…

  14. B October 10, 2008 at 10:00 PM #

    I don’t think BJs are intrinsically patriarchal. If you enjoy giving your partner pleasure because you care about them as a human being and they feel similarly about fingering/cunnilingus (in a relationship), or as part of a foreplay exchange in which equal attention is paid to your pleasure (in a one-night stand), I don’t think that’s patriarchal.

    I agree with Nine Deuce’s original point, though. Definitely BJs can be (and often are) part of a patriarchal (and male-centric) conception of sexuality.

  15. Caitlin February 7, 2009 at 8:34 AM #

    On the other hand, when making sure “his” woman comes is proof of manliness, it’s just as patriarchy-based and I tend to kick them out.

    I don’t tend to be very task-oriented around sex, though (wait, there’s a goal here? I was just having fun!).

  16. tofudefiler March 31, 2009 at 1:01 AM #

    If a bio male can’t be bothered to give his bio female lover an orgasm, he clearly isn’t interested in sex and therefore doesn’t deserve any.

    I hate to make generalizations*, but straight men overwhelmingly suck. I pity the straight women forced by their sexuality to deal with them.

    *I tell a lie, I actually love to.

    • Nine Deuce March 31, 2009 at 1:10 AM #

      I don’t disagree with that at all.

  17. Immir March 6, 2010 at 3:46 AM #

    Ahmen. Actual sex positivity.

    I think sex pos fems ought to be called porn positive, not sex pos. Little more accurate.

  18. sarah July 23, 2013 at 3:07 AM #

    Thanks for this post. It was nice to see a truly feminist take on this.

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