I’m taking a break from compiling a list of the worst songs ever made (Any suggestions? The criteria are that the song has to induce cringes and can’t be even slightly funny. For example, “Your Body is a Wonderland” by John Mayer made the list, but “I Want Your Sex” by George Michael didn’t, because it can be funny in some contexts.) to write about something that’s been in the back of my mind since I was a wee teenager: the frequent sidebars in the sex columns of “women’s” magazines about the nutritional value of semen. Because, apparently, whether ingesting semen will blow one’s Atkins diet is really the only question left to be decided.
Say what? I’d completely understand finding something like this in a sidebar in Maxim giving dudes advice on how to convince women to swallow, and I know Cosmo is basically the magazine for women who date guys who read Maxim, but I still can’t believe that they’re selling the practice to other women. I find it odd that in a magazine that is ostensibly written by women for women, one frequently finds pro-swallowing propaganda.
Have we really reached a point where the main thing holding women back from ingesting semen is a diet concern? I hope not, but the existence of these little info tidbit columns points to two pretty weird assumptions. First, the magazine believes that women are all already convinced that, as long as it doesn’t cost them a Weight Watchers point, they should be performing fellatio and ingesting semen. Second, there is the assumption that women are all more concerned with staying thin than with whether they ought to be doing something they don’t want to do in order to fulfill some asshole’s porn fantasy.
And that is, my friends, what men’s desire to have their partners swallow is all about. Ask any dude if he wants to power down a tablespoon of semen, and he’ll probably tell you to do one: “That shit’s fucking sick, dude! What, do you think I’m some kind of fag?” But yet the same dude expects his girlfriend to be all about it. You see, in our pornographized culture, that’s what sex is about to most dudes: getting women to do things they don’t want to do or are uncomfortable with (swallowing semen, “doing” anal, threesomes, you get the point). When a woman submits to a sex act she isn’t that into, the dude she’s with gets excited because he’s been given proof that he has power over her, and what in the sam hill is sexier to the porn-addled male mind than domination, than seeing a woman “willingly” submit to a sex act she isn’t comfortable with in order to further bloat his turgid ego?
A lot of women have bought the package, apparently, if “women’s” magazines are operating under the assumption that we’re all hanging around waiting for a dick to suck, and that we’re wondering whether to swallow, not because we think it isn’t cool of men to expect it of us when don’t want to do it, but because we are afraid doing so might make us gain six ounces and fall down a notch on the fuckability scale.
What a bunch of goddamn sellouts the Cosmo people are. I know that’s not an innovative thought, but seriously, is it published by Bill Maher?
Cosmo sucks. I’m advocating a girlcott, and maybe even a magazine-burning party (with Jager, of course, or maybe BL Lime). But I do have a suggestion for the Cosmo people, should they ever decide they’d like their magazine to have something to offer beyond advice on how to be an Axe-wearer’s dream girl. How about putting a sidebar in the next sex column with responses women can use to tell their manipulative douchebag boyfriends how they really feel about swallowing? I’ve got a few. Feel free to plagiarize these, Cosmo:
- Sure, I’ll do that if it turns you on, but you know what I’m into? Seeing dudes drink my piss. Get a cup. Did I mention that it’s nutritional as fuck?
- If you’re so excited by the thought of seeing someone ingest your bodily fluids, how about I drink some of your blood? I’ve got a knife right here.
- You down a dose of it first and tell me how you like it, then we’ll see.
- I don’t want to. Go fuck yourself. Also, get out of my house. I don’t date dudes who are into coercing women into doing things they don’t want to do.
Ah, what a lovely topic for my hundredth post.