The Full Gulp Pull

19 Jul

Since it’s the weekend, I thought I’d share something partytastic with you all, a video I discovered a year or so ago that has recently resurfaced. Some dude that was in Pantera (what’s funnier than metal cowboys?) and a few other dudes who were in some other hilarious bands whose names I can’t remember were partying for some reason last summer, maybe because they’d just started a new side project called Hell Yeah (I swear) and had recently put out a single called “Alcohaulin’ Ass.” If I’d thought that shit up, I’d be partying too.

They decided that in order to party properly, they’d need some Jagermeister. And not like a few bottles, but a thousand dollars’ worth of Jagermeister. I’ve often said that there is no drink that marks someone as an asshole better than Jagermeister, but I think I may have been wrong. These guys are obviously comedic geniuses, and they’re into Jagermeister, so it has to be cool.

They staged a trip to a suburban booze emporium called Daddy’s Liquor. On the way there, the Pantera dude introduces us to Hell Yeah’s assistant, Bri Dog, who has a beard that, braided, could put Scott Ian’s to shame. I suppose that’s no surprise, since I’d be willing to bet that the Anthrax dude can’t even handle Jager. Bri Dog, like the other band assistant, Video Fuckin’ Bob, has on a Jager t-shirt. That alone tells me he’s pretty much the baddest dude in town, but he proved it when he said what may be the funniest thing I’ve ever heard when the camera hit him: “I can’t wait to wrap my lips around that dark green bottle and get me a full gulp pull of me some Jagermeister.” Fuck yeah.

They went on and on in the car about how hard they were going to party, how awesome Jager is, how much money they were going to spend on it, and how awesome Disturbed is for being a “Jager band.” (How does one know when a band is a Jager band? I want to start a Jager band. I think it’ll be called Full Gulp Pull. Anyone in?)

They got to the liquor store and bought $992.99 worth of the elixir (weak sauce – why not actually break $1000?), then headed out to the parking lot to get started on the full gulp pull. Because the sun sets during the clip, it’s obvious that they hung out in the parking lot for quite awhile. They were there at least long enough to accost two random black dudes and ask one of them if he’d be willing to do a rap about Jager. You know, because all black guys can rap. The dude didn’t rap, but he did do the full gulp pull on a shot bottle of Jager for the camera, a demonstration that the Pantera guy dubbed “drinking lessons 101.” The guy was pretty good.

Pantera dude, apparently saddened by the fact that no rap would be provided by the black guys, did his own: “I’m a mother-fuckin’, titty-suckin’, two-balled bitch, your mama’s in the kitchen cookin’ red hot shit.” He also lamented the fact that Dime Bag Darrell couldn’t be there to do the full gulp pull on $1000-worth of Jager with them (seriously, bro, that fuckin’ sucks, dude).

This video is basically the most amazing thing I’ve seen in years. (I mean, it’s almost as good as Trapped in the Closet.) You might wonder why it exists, you might wonder what the fuck these guys were thinking, but that’s just because you don’t know how to party. These artists sat down, thought this out, probably wrote a script, carried the trip out, then edited and distributed the footage, all to let us know how fuckin’ hard they party. I recommend you watch it at least 5 times (10 would be better) to get the full effect.


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17 Responses to “The Full Gulp Pull”

  1. pisaquaririse July 19, 2008 at 2:02 AM #

    I refuse Nine–you will *not* tempt me to watch this menzie brew-ha.ha. no matter *how good* you make the video sound.

  2. Nine Deuce July 19, 2008 at 2:44 AM #

    Aw, c’mon! It might just be definitive proof that women are smarter than men, or at least that people with facial hair are dumber than those without it.

  3. Dudikoff July 19, 2008 at 7:37 AM #

    I have facial hair. I do worry sometimes if I’m a moron or not. Atleast I am intelligent in comparison to those guys.

  4. KBO July 19, 2008 at 4:41 PM #

    I, too, not to view this.

    But, after I have a few full gulp pulls tonight…who knows?

  5. Nine Deuce July 19, 2008 at 4:53 PM #

    I’m telling you two, you’re really missing out.

  6. pisaquaririse July 19, 2008 at 8:01 PM #

    Alllll right Nine…you now owe me 3 minutes and 33 seconds of my life back.

  7. Nine Deuce July 19, 2008 at 9:47 PM #

    Dudikoff – If your screen name has anything to do with the star of the American Ninja movie franchise, you are most definitely more intelligent than the dudes in Hell Yeah.

  8. Nine Deuce July 20, 2008 at 12:34 AM #

    pisaquaririse – If you watch it 9 more times you’ll like it a lot more.

  9. Dan July 24, 2008 at 1:16 AM #

    While this was entertaining, I’m willing to bet it was paid for by Jaggermeister as a promotional stunt.

  10. Nine Deuce July 24, 2008 at 1:20 AM #

    Probably, but that doesn’t make the Hell Yeah guys any less stupid, which is the source of the comedy (for me, at least).

  11. Dan July 24, 2008 at 2:49 AM #

    Also there seemed to me a hint of homoeroticism in the way Bri Dog articulated his desire for a full gulp pull of some Jager. I watched just that sound bite about 7 or 8 times.

  12. Nine Deuce July 24, 2008 at 2:52 AM #

    I kinda thought that, too. It’s easily my favorite part. I can’t drink anything these days without recreating that scene. “I can’t wait to wrap my lips around that clear bottle and get me a full gulp pull of me some Zima.” OK, not really.

  13. James July 25, 2008 at 2:11 AM #

    God I love Americans.

  14. Sally July 26, 2008 at 5:54 PM #

    Darn, I’ll have to boot up my wine to see that video, which I’ll do in a sec.

    But this is made all the funnier by the fact that the act of “Pulling” someone, or to pull someone, means to get off or snog them in Britain

    “or at least that people with facial hair are dumber than those without it.” My bleached facial hair resents that comment, as do my eyebrows. :P

  15. kendallmck April 7, 2009 at 10:02 PM #

    Seriously, this was amazing.

    • Nine Deuce April 7, 2009 at 10:06 PM #

      Yeah, it might be my favorite video of all time.

  16. Imaginary December 5, 2009 at 6:03 PM #

    I had the extreme misfortune of seeing Hell Yeah live when they were opening for Nickelback. I can assure you that their fans are some of the dumbest people on earth. If cattle farms stopped murdering cattle and just took these fuckers to the slaughter house, the world would know an end to war, AIDS, depression and all forms of evil.

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