Rage Against the Man-chine

Since it’s the weekend, I thought I’d share something partytastic with you all, a video I discovered a year or so ago that has recently resurfaced. Some dude that was in Pantera (what’s funnier than metal cowboys?) and a few other dudes who were in some other hilarious bands whose names I can’t remember were partying for some reason last summer, maybe because they’d just started a new side project called Hell Yeah (I swear) and had recently put out a single called “Alcohaulin’ Ass.” If I’d thought that shit up, I’d be partying too.

They decided that in order to party properly, they’d need some Jagermeister. And not like a few bottles, but a thousand dollars’ worth of Jagermeister. I’ve often said that there is no drink that marks someone as an asshole better than Jagermeister, but I think I may have been wrong. These guys are obviously unintentional comedic geniuses, and they’re into Jagermeister, so it has to be cool.

They staged a trip to a suburban booze emporium called Daddy’s Liquor. On the way there, the Pantera dude introduces us to Hell Yeah’s assistant, Bri Dog, who has a beard that, braided, could put Scott Ian’s to shame. I suppose that’s no surprise, since I’d be willing to bet that the Anthrax dude can’t even handle Jager. Bri Dog, like the other band assistant, Video Fuckin’ Bob, has on a Jager t-shirt. That alone tells me he’s pretty much the baddest dude in town, but he proved it when he said what may be the funniest thing I’ve ever heard when the camera hit him: “I can’t wait to wrap my lips around that dark green bottle and get me a full gulp pull of me some Jagermeister.” Fuck yeah.

They went on and on in the car about how hard they were going to party, how awesome Jager is, how much money they were going to spend on it, and how awesome Disturbed is for being a “Jager band.” (How does one know when a band is a Jager band? I want to start a Jager band. I think it’ll be called Full Gulp Pull. Anyone in?)

They got to the liquor store and bought $992.99 worth of the elixir (weak sauce - why not actually break $1000?), then headed out to the parking lot to get started on the full gulp pull. Because the sun sets during the clip, it’s obvious that they hung out in the parking lot for quite awhile. They were there at least long enough to accost two random black dudes and ask one of them if he’d be willing to do a rap about Jager. You know, because all black guys can rap. The dude didn’t rap, but he did do the full gulp pull on a shot bottle of Jager for the camera, a demonstration that the Pantera guy dubbed “drinking lessons 101.” The guy was pretty good.

Pantera dude, apparently saddened by the fact that no rap would be provided by the black guys, did his own: “I’m a mother-fuckin’, titty-suckin’, two-balled bitch, your mama’s in the kitchen cookin’ red hot shit.” He also lamented the fact that Dime Bag Darrell couldn’t be there to do the full gulp pull on $1000-worth of Jager with them (seriously, bro, that fuckin’ sucks, dude).

This video is basically the most amazing thing I’ve seen in years. (I mean, it’s almost as good as Trapped in the Closet.) You might wonder why it exists, you might wonder what the fuck these guys were thinking, but that’s just because you don’t know how to party. These artists sat down, thought this out, probably wrote a script, carried the trip out, then edited and distributed the footage, all to let us know how fuckin’ hard they party. I recommend you watch it at least 5 times (10 would be better) to get the full effect.