I suppose I’m a bit late on this one, but I’ve been writing papers and marveling at how my blog has all of a sudden started getting a ton more hits (I have no idea why), and now I’m recovering from some kind of alcohol-abetted flu that’s kept me from doing anything but watching What’s Happening on hulu.com, drinking Capri Sun, and complaining.
But enough about me. You’ve all, I’m sure, heard that some munificent plastic surgeon with a heart of gold has written a children’s book in an attempt to ease the confusion and fear that children experience when they see their mothers’ bodies cut up and put back together again in some new configuration that more closely matches what Cosmopolitan and America’s Next Top Anorexic deem acceptable.
What a sport. Basically, he’s clearing up a lot of confusion for the general public. We’ve all heard about the “mommy packages” on offer at the average plastic surgeon’s office that include tummy tucks, breast lifts, implants, and probably some kind of vaginal rearrangement. Modern medicine: the professionals are here to fix nature for us, because nature doesn’t know what the fuck it’s doing. You can’t allow creating a new life from zero, carrying it around for 9 months, and giving birth to salt your game, ladies! I know some of us were thinking that there might be something kind of… I don’t know… unnatural about the whole thing, especially since kids tend to freak out a little to hear their mommy’s going to risk death and disfigurement in order to look like she didn’t give birth to them, but luckily this doctor’s here to straighten us, and our stupid kids, right out.
Women are supposed to look pretty, kid. Don’t worry when some doctor cuts your mom up, removes parts of her, sticks foreign objects inside her body, then sews her back up. When she comes home all bruised, swollen, and covered in gauze, don’t even trip. And when she can’t talk to you or hug you for a few weeks or months because she’s too doped up and because it hurts to much, don’t be a little bitch about it and start crying. Because, just think, once it’s all over, she’ll be hot as fuck, and your dad will want to do it with her, which means he won’t be out looking for some other, younger, hotter woman to leave you and your mommy for. And besides, won’t you be proud when your friends call your mom a MILF?