Hey, kid, don’t worry that your mom is all cut up and bloody. It’s for good reason.

27 Apr

I suppose I’m a bit late on this one, but I’ve been writing papers and marveling at how my blog has all of a sudden started getting a ton more hits (I have no idea why), and now I’m recovering from some kind of alcohol-abetted flu that’s kept me from doing anything but watching What’s Happening on hulu.com, drinking Capri Sun, and complaining.

But enough about me. You’ve all, I’m sure, heard that some munificent plastic surgeon with a heart of gold has written a children’s book in an attempt to ease the confusion and fear that children experience when they see their mothers’ bodies cut up and put back together again in some new configuration that more closely matches what Cosmopolitan and America’s Next Top Anorexic deem acceptable.

What a sport. Basically, he’s clearing up a lot of confusion for the general public. We’ve all heard about the “mommy packages” on offer at the average plastic surgeon’s office that include tummy tucks, breast lifts, implants, and probably some kind of vaginal rearrangement. Modern medicine: the professionals are here to fix nature for us, because nature doesn’t know what the fuck it’s doing. You can’t allow creating a new life from zero, carrying it around for 9 months, and giving birth to salt your game, ladies! I know some of us were thinking that there might be something kind of… I don’t know… unnatural about the whole thing, especially since kids tend to freak out a little to hear their mommy’s going to risk death and disfigurement in order to look like she didn’t give birth to them, but luckily this doctor’s here to straighten us, and our stupid kids, right out.

Women are supposed to look pretty, kid. Don’t worry when some doctor cuts your mom up, removes parts of her, sticks foreign objects inside her body, then sews her back up. When she comes home all bruised, swollen, and covered in gauze, don’t even trip. And when she can’t talk to you or hug you for a few weeks or months because she’s too doped up and because it hurts to much, don’t be a little bitch about it and start crying. Because, just think, once it’s all over, she’ll be hot as fuck, and your dad will want to do it with her, which means he won’t be out looking for some other, younger, hotter woman to leave you and your mommy for. And besides, won’t you be proud when your friends call your mom a MILF?


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27 Responses to “Hey, kid, don’t worry that your mom is all cut up and bloody. It’s for good reason.”

  1. Dan April 27, 2008 at 4:02 AM #

    Don’t know if you already wrote on this (and if so, apologies):

    http://www.knbc.com/health/15703680/detail.html?rss=la&psp=news

    It’s about an honor student, planning on attending college in the fall and hoping to become a doctor someday. She died during a plastic surgery operation weeks before she was set to graduate. Of course the media led with ‘cheerleader dies!’ though. You’d think after enough stories like these that slowly everyone would realize how sad it is to die for looks.

  2. Nine Deuce April 27, 2008 at 4:05 AM #

    I have yet to write about it, but I’ve heard about it. Ever younger women (especially minors with their parents’ permission) getting plastic surgery is on my list of future post topics. It is amazing that the focus of these stories tends to be on anything other than the perversity of elective surgery for the sake of conforming to ever more rigid beauty standards. It’s utter insanity.

  3. Jessant April 27, 2008 at 1:10 PM #

    It’s probably stumbleupon giving you lots of traffic. That’s how I ended up here. I read your bratz rant. *waves*

  4. A brain washed teen April 27, 2008 at 4:21 PM #

    Wasn’t there the case of the girl whos mum gave her breasticles for graduation and died from the operation?

    And all that new research into how botox can numb your fucking brain, and you know, give you a lobotomy. Then it can filter down into your neck and stop you from being able to breath.

    Why, oh why, do people think it’s worth the risk? It doesn’t even look good. [/rant]

  5. chlorophyll April 27, 2008 at 9:19 PM #

    Proof that women are depreciating assets in a man’s world.

    (BTW I found your blog through a post on Reddit which might be why you’re getting so many new posters. Like how you think!)

  6. Lara April 28, 2008 at 2:34 AM #

    That’s a good sum up of Patriarchy in the “West” and how it views women…

  7. Zac April 28, 2008 at 3:57 AM #

    Stumbleupon has been bringing me to this website fairly frequently in the last week or so. [Perhaps Stumbleupon is the cause of your sudden jump in hits]

  8. Patricia April 29, 2008 at 8:39 AM #

    Also a StumbleUponner.

    That book is an absolutely stupid idea. But, then again, people that get plastic surgery are the kind that are too lazy to raise their children and let the media do it anyway.

    And how are people NOT learning their lessons from old Hollywood zombies? Ick ick ick.

  9. Patricia April 29, 2008 at 8:40 AM #

    Ok, I realise my first paragraph was a rather sweeping statement. I know a really nice girl that got breast augmentation.

    there I go, falling into stereotyping.

  10. SAAM April 29, 2008 at 3:00 PM #

    I heard the tail end of the story about the book while driving the other day!
    I am getting old and I look good. I look good by my standards and I will continue to look good even when I am 90 and wrinkled because I will be a (hopefully) happy old woman who didn’t let anyone get me down, did what I wanted, and LIVED my life. THAT is what I want to teach my daughter. Maybe I should write a book.

  11. Nine Deuce April 29, 2008 at 3:35 PM #

    You SHOULD write that book. God knows we need something to counter the onslaught of beauty fascism.

  12. justin April 29, 2008 at 9:13 PM #

    The Bratz post was the first one I read here. I’m hooked now. Great writing, great perspective. It’s about time we become media-literate in this society and recognize what’s being sold to us and our kids. It’s coming in everything from kids books to ads to “news.”

    Keep up the good work.

  13. Nine Deuce April 29, 2008 at 9:39 PM #

    Justin – Thanks! It’s nice to get encouraging comments, especially since they tend to balance out the “you feminazis are all just ugly man-hating bitches” comments that I love so much. Actually, now that I think about it, there must be a template someplace on the internet that these guys copy and paste, because their comments are almost identical. But back to the point, thanks!

  14. Abra April 29, 2008 at 10:11 PM #

    I arrived here via reddit and was mesmerized by the MRA-fucking-crybabies piece. Good stuff you’ve got here!

  15. Amanda May 4, 2008 at 10:43 PM #

    You’re getting more hits because you’re on StumbleUpon, by the way!

  16. Skmmer May 6, 2008 at 7:56 PM #

    I’m also a stumbleuponer, but you make a good point- thumbs up!

  17. Kim May 12, 2008 at 8:25 PM #

    Right on.
    I live in the OC. It’s got to be the plastic surgery capital of the world.
    The funny thing is that all these women must be going to the same place because they all look the same. Balloon sized tits, collagen bloated lips and plastic botox face masks. And the best part is that very few of these women ever look very happy. Most of them are stomping around in their over priced shoes with the most miserable looks on their paralyzed injected faces. Yeah that’s sexy, baby.
    Beauty does start from within.
    Something the plastic surgery monopoly doesn’t want you to know. They know it though. They capitalize on it.

    Excess ain’t rebellion.
    You’re drinkin’ what they’re sellin’.

  18. Nine Deuce May 12, 2008 at 8:27 PM #

    Kim – I used to live in the 760 myself (as well as the 323, much worse), so I know exactly what you’re talking about.

  19. Rebecca May 12, 2008 at 9:15 PM #

    I read an initial interview with Salzhauer (the author of “My Beautiful Mommy”, and was sickened–it’s not enough that women nurture another life for nine months–you have to look sexy and desirable again immediately afterwards! I pity his wife and children–especially his little girl. How in the hell is she ever going to have an accurate perspective of her worth as a person when daddy “fixes” women for a living?
    And question–did Salzhauer “fix” his own wife after her pregnancies? Did she think he wouldn’t love her anymore if she didn’t get all tightened and toned again? THIS IS NOT HEALTHY, PEOPLE!

    Sorry–everything about this book angers me.

    Oh, and here’s his website:

    http://www.mybeautifulmommy.com/

  20. Pennyr May 15, 2008 at 1:27 AM #

    SASSM:

    That was one of the best replies ever!

    KIM: Love ya for calling it what it is!

  21. Chloe May 25, 2008 at 2:45 AM #

    (also a stumbleupon-er)
    I think people who feel the need to justify the fact that they want to look like barbie dolls to their children need help. I mean, fine, go get the surgery it’s your choice, but telling your little girls its a normal part of life? Take a parenting course! By the time the girls a teen she’ll want a nose job and breast implants so she can look “beautiful” like her mother.
    Furthermore plastic surgery doesn’t make you look younger, it just makes you look like you’ve gotten plastic surgery. If you want a flat stomach, eat healthy food, and work out. It’s cheaper and better for you, and you’ll set a good example for your kids. Who wants to risk death because you’re husbands a superficial jerk. You don’t see men getting liposuction for their beer guts for a reason. It’s stupid, painful, and dangerous. I think aging naturally is beautiful, and people with face lifts look creepy.

  22. shea December 1, 2008 at 2:32 AM #

    Chloe, I’m a vegan and I get plenty of exercise and I don’t have a flat stomach. It’s just not the way my body or most women’s bodies are meant to be, and a dance major friend of mine actually had a professor tell the class that flat bellies for women are not healthy. There’s this idea in our society that if a woman is healthy, she’ll suddenly magically live up to our society’s fascist beauty standards, which is of course total bunk because if that were all it took we’d all put in that effort and look like supermodels. If simply living healthy were all that’s required for a flat stomach, we wouldn’t see so many plastic surgeries. If you eat well and exercise, and it doesn’t make you thin or clear up your acne, it doesn’t mean you’re a failure or doing something wrong; it simply means that’s the way your body is naturally, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

  23. flibbertigibbit August 10, 2009 at 8:49 AM #

    I am the product of a mother who had breast implants and a nose job while I still in my single digits. It doesn’t just scare you to see your mom all bruised, and it doesn’t just fuck up the way you think that the world expects you to be, it adds a little bit of doubt to your mother when she tells you you’re beautiful, or you look good. You think, but don’t I have that nose you got rid of? What does my mother really think of me when she looks at me. I mean at some point we probably all think “my mom’s just saying that because she has to, she’s my mom” but it really does become a trust issue when you know that your mom couldn’t even accept herself and you thought she was pretty. Well if that wasn’t pretty then what am I? And what else are you saying just to stroke my ego, what else am I supposed to be ashamed of? Although in my own little socially influenced brain I’ve thought “well wouldn’t it be nice just to get a little nip and tuck?” I don’t ever want to pass that insecurity on to my kids, if I have kids someday. I would rather my kids trust me than to be a MILF.

  24. Imaginary October 26, 2009 at 6:09 PM #

    My mom’s tattoo artist got deadifide from plastic surgery. I sort of wanted to kick the guy’s ass; he poisoned her and left her daughter an orphan.

    I can’t be sure, but I think he’s still practicing.

  25. Jessie March 1, 2010 at 7:27 PM #

    My mother got a Brazilian butt lift, liposuction, and some sort of thigh-slimming operation one weekend while I was at work, without telling me where she was. I lived at home at the time, so I don’t know how the hell she expected me not to notice, but I was totally wrecked, because a) she could have easily died under the knife- it’s rare, but not unheard of; b) she did it to erase any trace of carrying/birthing me and my brothers; c) everyone had always remarked on how beautiful my mother was and how much I looked like her before she had this surgery.

    It really damages your kids a lot to do this. I understand that mothers are people too and need to do things for themselves sometimes, but if you’re ashamed of your body because it facilitated new life, then that’s a mental issue, not a physical one.

  26. Immir April 10, 2010 at 7:10 AM #

    This book is just an example of how acceptable cosmetic surgery is. Far from helping kids, I think it would screw them up just that little bit extra..

  27. Gowan October 21, 2014 at 6:44 AM #

    If so many women die from plastic surgery, why, then, are the pro-life-activists not standing in front of plastic surgery clinics? Why don’t they give their unsolicited advice to women about to get plastic surgery?

    Rhetorical question, I know it’s because they don’t care about women.

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